Crowds

As I make my way to work in the morning, there are an inordinate amount of birds flocking and diving through the skies, in front of traffic, through the trees, landing in clusters on the streets...I'd chalk it up to the wind, but it's not that windy. Or trash day...or they are just playing, more than usual though. Also, an army of grounds crew armed with leaf-blowers and lawn mowers out on the lawn...more than usual there as well.  A day of crowds.  At lunch, the birds are assertive, one gull with an injured foot jumps up and eats off a girl's proffered fork. Others swoop low over students' heads as they walk across the plaza.

Last night we rehearsed with another choir, in a much, much bigger space. It's fun, but you have to sing differently than we can get away with in our regular space; consonants get lost, so we really have to hit them.  And then the conductor wanted more open vowels so I was trying to re-learn the words, but it was also only the second time I'd seen this music, and then there are some difficult soprano descants in it which he said to bring out more, but I'm having trouble finding them, so I was lost.  I will need to get to a piano beforehand to pick out the part. We are also singing in "quartets" as opposed to sections, so I can't even rely on listening to another soprano, as I'm not standing near enough to any...Ha! everything I don't know is exposed.  At times I could hear my part off in the distance, but as someone else pointed out, it felt like being on an island. It's good to mix it up and I think it sounds good overall.  And singing with this conductor makes me seriously consider finding a voice teacher.  There are a things I would like to be able to do (nuance, dynamics, etc.) that I've been trouble getting to on my own, and now that I'm getting more comfortable with how my voice sounds, I might find it less intimidating  Also, a couple of my classmates are working with voice coaches and I'm inspired by that.

Seeing people in Halloween costumes makes me happy.  Curiously, the only people in our office that dressed up today were all IT staff.  I didn't dress up this year; feeling unoriginal.  Last time I dressed up was as someone from an 80's hair band. Today someone I work with said they didn't recognize me, but it's just 'cos I was wearing glasses.  (Not as a costume, just to see better.)

Bought candy on the way home, but only got one trick-or-treater, and I think it was my next door neighbor; I imagine everyone else might be afraid of us. Sat in the living room waiting, watching "Last Man on Earth" or something.  I thought it was about zombies, but I guess they were actually supposed to be vampires. Has an ambiguous ending, the woman who'd received immunity tells the temporary vaccinated vampires that everything is going to be all right, and walks out of the church where they'd just murdered the last man. I think the man was Vincent Price, I'll have to look it up.

Last night I was trying to do some writing while waiting for a classmate, and a man I kinda' know in passing was trying to ask me on a date, I think. He was progressively more and more drunk, I don't think he will remember.  It's not actually flattering if someone needs to be that drunk to talk to me, I kinda' will talk to anyone, you wouldn't need to be wasted, I'm not that scary. As I've mentioned before, I like talking to people...and I wonder if he would like me if he were sober, or if it's only the alcohol...again, just not flattering. (Kinda' leaves me feeling like I'm either repulsive or super intimidating...if you bothered to talk to me, you might decide I'm neither.)  Okay to be fair, maybe he actually wanted to talk to me before he got drunk...and then he kept calling me by my legal name and not the name I go by, which was also disrespectful.  I don't go by my legal name because I prefer not to; I find doing that presumptuous, never liked it when "adults" did it, I kinda' feel like it's someone taking the upper hand on you (to decide to call you by a name different than the one you introduced yourself as.)  I think at some point, we get to choose how we present ourselves to the world, including our names...and I think other people should generally honor that in us. It makes us equals.  Which is how it should be.


Melting/L.Herlevi 2008


Maybe laughing too much

I don't know if it's a form of hiding behavior or just that with different people you will have a different working energy, but there are two people I've been working with that I just laugh the whole friggin' time. And I sometimes feel kinda' bad about it, but it's what comes up.  Maybe we are avoiding things; or maybe we just need to laugh...and being able to laugh that much, regularly, is fairly recent for me (since Portugal).  There are a couple people that I usually end up crying with as well, they hit something routinely.  Every time I work with them (both the laughing and the crying) I have the same sorta' reactions. Will have to move beyond those things though, I imagine.

I ran into a friend on the bus yesterday, she asked why I was putting myself through all of this, I answered that I wanted to act.  But also, I think for most things that you want to do, it takes work or practice to get better at them; there's often a struggle as part of the learning process.  I do want to perform, but even if I never do (again), I'll be freer for all the work.

I think my trees are gone now.  On Monday, the arms were all removed, just the bare trunks remained.  I haven't been back since.

Self-kindness

It wasn't far enough. I understand the playing out the fantasy, but it's not easy to just let yourself do it if you never let yourself do it.  I feel like I need handholding, someone asking me questions to find what I feel passionate enough about to make it real enough. On stage is where you can play this stuff out, you can't do it in real life; you shouldn't do it in real life. I censor my fantasies. I censor my wants. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  I don't know what I care enough about to fight for...I don't let myself anymore. Ugh. And I have to come up with something in five days. I did come up with something, but I don't think it's good enough, though my circumstance might be. (I don't think it's physical enough.) I don't have the time nor the money to do some of the other things that have crossed my mind...nor the ability to bring a lot of stuff in after work. We did get somewhere though; we connected, got beneath the surface; got real...so all that's useful; the whole thing not specific nor physical enough.  Now we have moved on to new partners.

It's not that I didn't have respect for actors before, it's just a hundredfold greater now.  I knew it wasn't easy.  Art's not easy.  And I don't buy into you have to be depressed or addicted to be a "great" artist, that's bullshit, but I can see how you could be, or if you had tendencies and you didn't take care of yourself, how those things could destroy you.  Artists take on a lot, wear it on the sleeve so the audience doesn't have to.  They provide a release for others, but they have to learn to, to be able to shake it off when they walk off of the stage, whatever that may be.  If you can't, you risk becoming yet another sacrificial lamb for the masses (it's all over the place.) It's okay to be healthy. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to walk away and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Actors are the canvas, you have to respect it (yourself) and treat it (yourself) well.-Peace.

Came up with something

The pavement is covered in a thin layer of yellow powder, spruce pollen, I think. A very cool, gritty, pale, sulfur yellow. I went to grab breakfast from a food truck, because even though I woke myself up before 4 am with a coughing fit, I didn't actually bother to get out of bed until after 7...I always hope I'll manage to fall back asleep, but I'm never actually tired again until right before I absolutely have to get up. Reread a little of David Copperfield, trying to get back into the story before it's due again. It's too bulky to want to carry around now.

There was one gull curled up on the brick platform, possibly trying to warm up, possibly sick. It didn't seem disturbed by people coming close to it, and gulls are wary, though perhaps just too tired or cold to care.  It's chilly out.  I'm feeling slightly bleh myself from eating a piece of spam (the food option was a Hawaiian-style food truck.)

I finally came up with a task last night.  I just have to make it important enough, it is to me, but I feel like I have to really put a back story to it, which I'm working on (or rather, why only this one particular task, and not more.) I've come up with a couple other ones; we have to have about five for the remainder of the quarter. We did this exercise last class where we had to find our partner in the room with our eyes shut, and with no vocal sound. We had massaged our partner's shoulders (while eyes were shut) and then we were separated (one of us was moved.)  It seemed like it would be an impossible task (even though I've done similar exercises before, in a much smaller space), or that it would take a long time: it's a big room. Right after walking into a wall I thought, "I'm never going to find her," and immediately found her. I only touched a couple other people, both men, I think; both only on a wrist. I mean, you can hear footsteps, and breathing, and a couple people laughed when they walked into each other, but it's interesting that it's possible. I think Robin said it was maybe 10 minutes for the everyone to find their partner (there are fourteen of us in class.) I wish I had known I could open my eyes once found, I would've liked to have seen the recognition/relief that I felt, in other people. We get new partners after the task tonight. (There are three people I haven't worked with outside of class yet.  Mostly due to scheduling.)

Admittedly, there is a little fun in the challenge of coming up with a task (my fear is always that my ideas are lame.) I am creative, just not always when I need to be, or in ways that seem easy for other people. (Or maybe I lean more toward "adventurous" than "artistically" creative; it comes out in problem solving or synthesis or cooking...hmm. Maybe.) I am dreading it less than the straight chair exercises...that might be progress. I know it's a step at a time, and that's the point of this year, but when I read the books, I just get overwhelmed by how much work finding yourself in the character is. Or I fear my own laziness will get in the way of doing the work.

New Monday

Actually, my problem isn't coming up with tasks, it's thinking of a compelling reason behind doing them. And my panic is from being an introvert; sometimes it's all so overwhelming.

It's chilly, sunny and breezy.  The sun was rising as I was waiting at the bus stop, the snow I saw before on the western mountains, seems to have melted again: they appear as a blue outline in the shape of mountains in the low light, a couple of small glaciers visible, but mostly lacking any detail. At lunch the world feels vibrant and the increasing wind brings an energetic relief after all the stagnation as of late.

I got up early enough to cook. Made more of the butternut squash, with onion, garlic, some Andouille sausage from a local farm, sage ( I have a massive sage plant), and then because I wanted it to cook without burning, poured some leftover broth on it when I added the squash and put a plate over it. When I came back to check on it, the broth had been absorbed and the squash was soft and a little caramelized.  The bonus was that nothing stuck to the pan (cast iron), so it was easy to clean. The squash was really tasty, wish I'd made more of it. I've hardly been cooking as I've hardly been home lately, but have food on the brain most of the time now, when I don't have to be thinking of other things. I like to cook, and I usually like my own cooking.  (If I want soup, I have to make it myself, as most commercially made soup uses potato starch to thicken it, and I can't eat that anymore.)

Man! it's pretty out right now. I wonder if I can still get a pumpkin anywhere? Last year I had to use a pie pumpkin for carving because all the stores had run out of the other type...I like jack-o-lanterns, they charm me.

I still get phone messages coming into my email account, when I do a search on the app, it says it's legit, but I still don't open them, I think they are how the virus got onto my computer. Just of the record...if there's a real message in there, I'm not receiving it.

If there's a choice between love and fear (and let's face it, that's always the choice) choose love. Hold it. Stay with it. There's a lot going on, not all of it good, stick with love. Just stick with it. Some people think it might get a little rocky in the world, but may the just, kind, fair, altruistic, and cool-headed rule the day.

Creativity stymied by panic

It's going better. I'm following impulses more, hell, I'm present enough to start having impulses, though not necessarily getting deeper emotionally.  I can't think of a task with a specific, important reason, need to have that ready for next class; it's my turn. I'm pretty stressed out about it. I told someone tonight that I'm always afraid now (in class.)  I'm hoping I get to the point where I'm excited for the challenge.  I hope that evolves, still even if it doesn't, I'm not gonna quit for that.  We all signed and agreed the charter tonight; in it together for the long haul now.

And on another note, some things really are impossible given the circumstances. I will accept that; it's the only real choice.

Finally, the weather moves

Spent most of the morning obsessed with thoughts of soup: what I should put in it, how I should cook it, etc. Finally, it's simmering on the stove at the moment (chicken, celery, carrots, butternut squash, wild rice, herbs, for the record.)

After all the quiet, stagnant weather, it was a nice surprise to wake up to rain, by the time I got to the sheltered bus stop, there were showers, could hear it hit the roof, then this man started asking me if I knew what a seance was, and why they don't teach this in schools. I answered that we don't really teach religion or spirituality in schools, and then some friends stopped by in a car and offered me a ride so I got out of the conversation...I've encountered him before, he remembered me, too. Usually, he just wants to get into talking about Tesla.

Walking back home, the breeze had kicked up, but the rain had stopped. The leaves, ready to fall, suddenly filled the air, and dropped, dropped, dropped down like massive snowflakes, the ground now covered.

I watched The Way again last night, for the millionth time. I was thinking that it seems like a secret club, but that just even attempting it, includes you as a part of it. What made me think of that was when Tom encounters that cross marker in the Pyrenees and realizes that's where his son died, and someone had marked it, and you see those all over the place on the route. Also, in John Brierley's guides he makes the comment quite often about places "being friendly to pilgrims" which always made me feel a little like a subversive, that there were "secret" places to pass through for support (whether or not that's actually true.)

It also makes me think of the way Gypsies are treated, there's a scene in Burgos where a Gypsy boy steals Tom's backpack and the father makes the comment about the rest of Europe "seeing Gypsies as beggars and thieves," which makes me think of the incident in Greece. How the Gypsies were telling the truth about the girl but still remain in custody, and how the media immediately seemed to resort to the spreading stereotypes of "child stealing" without getting the facts first. It's an opinion, not a fact, and frankly, it's bit racist. And even though it turned out not to be the case (they didn't "steal" the girl) repeating it as if it were truth, fans the flames of fear and hate. It may be true that there are people that would prefer not to be assimilated into the host culture, but there's still got to be a way to build bridges between us and them. (This violence against the "other" happens daily, it's not just the Gypsy's, but whomever we are threatened by because we come to believe our "truth" can only exist if we can erase someone else's, or at least subjugate them to our way of thinking...the more people that believe what we believe, the less insecure we will feel, I guess. And we all do it, especially when we are unsure. It is difficult to stand alone with the threat of being singled out for thinking differently than the dominant culture-whatever that happens to be at the moment, and it's constantly in flux.) Where is the threshold?

And on a somewhat related note, because it's Reformation Sunday, I was thinking about Luther, and how his love for the Church demanded that he try to set it back on a truer path, but how in doing that, speaking what he believed to be true, he was sent out and lost the thing he loved.  And how we need reformers and truth-tellers in the world, but who wants to choose that path of isolation? Standing up for what you believe is right because you have to, and losing everything for that is a tough road. I don't  know that I have it in me, thankful for those that do.

Not yet midnight

I think we are lucky to be able to experience even just the smallest bit of so many different cultures, to find an awareness of what makes us all unique as well as how we are the same. That's all.

The concert was great. She owned that room, as well as the stage. There was supposed to be an intermission, but they ended up playing straight for around two hours.  At one point before an encore, she ditched all the amplification and just sang out to the room.  And her musicians were just ridiculous.  Geez. I don't think I've ever seen anyone play guitar that effortlessly, it was like he was the guitar. Crazy. Her photos make her (Mariza) look intimidating to me, but live, she came across as very charming. And kudos to the audience for 1) keeping the cell phones off after being asked; and 2) really being into the show: when there was silence in the music, you coulda' heard a pin drop in the room, which is rare, and awesome.

Came across two other acting books while wandering around waiting for the doors to open: Richard Brestoff Acting Under the Circumstances-variations on a theme of Stanislavski, and Michael Chekhov's To the Actor. I've read the first couple chapters of the Brestoff, but am going to start reading a play before I go any further with it, it gives advice on how to approach a play to put yourself in it.  I had just started the Chekhov when I realized it was time to go to the show. The first bit deals with the body and psychology. Brestoff explains exercises I've done, only moreso, i.e., they make more sense to me now, but it probably helps to have done them, and  to do them again.

I should sleep. I have to get up early and shore up the parts of my life that are currently in the process of disintegrating from neglect. Something had to give.

Friday (Homecoming)

Once again, have a Loverboy song stuck in my head. (Everybody's Working for the Weekend, for the record.) Reminds me of a French-Canadian house-mate I used to live with, I actually have the 7" somewhere, I was going to send to him after he moved, but never got a hold of his address.

This is a live video (not from my computer), of Loverboy at EXPO '86 in Vancouver...they actually sound pretty good live. Apparently, I'm on some sorta' Canadian thing this week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmvZnX8aUtg (Loverboy, Everybody's Working for the Weekend.)

I'm blank. I'm all over the place today. Just stood in a really long line 2x for a $1 hot dog, the first time for the hot dog, the second time because I wanted to donate money (for a student endowment fund) and they didn't have change, plus I didn't have anything better to do and there was a band playing that I wanted to listen to next to the line. (It's homecoming, plus our 152nd anniversary.)

Trying to get a comp ticket to MOMIX next weekend (http://uwworldseries.org/world-dance/momix/) though I suspect it might sell out, since it's an all-ages performance. Keeping my fingers crossed. She won't know until next week. Going to a Fado concert tonight, and a throat-singing style concert in a couple of weeks (I bought the series last year because I wanted to keep my seat, and in theory, you can exchange tickets for other shows.) We do this vocal warm-up in class that is similar to the where throat singing comes from. I don't do it at home, 'cos it might freak out my house-mates, but even just doing it in class 2x/week has helped my singing ability. I'm no where near the control I'd like to have vocally, but my range and strength have vastly improved, especially on the really high notes (G, A, B), I feel like I have more control up there, and I'm straining less.

Heard drums playing through my window panes, and went over to witness the ground-breaking ceremony for a longhouse. Had the privilege of experiencing two powerful songs. The second of which, the presenter of the song asked that it not be recorded in any way, not be shared, but just be meant as medicine for the people present.  I believe that his wishes were honored.  May you all find authentic power here.  May your cultures thrive.

I feel lucky and happy to be here now.

Thursday

Last night, walking home after seeing another show, the sky was clear, the stars were out, and so I am surprised (a little) by how thick the fog had returned by morning. It was the third-year graduate students in the Professional Actors Training Program's (PATP) production of Tom Stoppard's The Real Inspector Hound. It was another Art's Crush sponsored event (pay-what-you-will), although, the tickets aren't that much to begin with. By the time it actually started, the venue was full, which is good to see. I liked the set-up of a play within a play, and the switching of the audience becoming the players, and the acting was good, but not sure if I liked the play itself. Need time to think about it. And I was watching the style of acting, the very focused face and body, which I've seen a lot of lately, and thinking that I am no where near that point, but do I need to be? Again, can see it's usefulness in auditioning, so need to get there with monologues at least, it pulls your focus (as an audience member.) I've seen a lot of work this month (most of it was free, a couple were pay-what-you-can.)

I was gonna do some writing while I waited for the ticket office to open, and I came across a "good-bye" message for another person gone. I had been thinking about him lately, wondering why I hadn't seen him, thinking perhaps he had moved. Seeing his picture really upset me, perhaps more than was warranted for how little I knew him. We were denizens of the same neighborhood haunts for years (and years and years), someone I only knew enough to acknowledge in passing. Still, I sat back down at my table and wrote with tears dripping down my cheeks. My insecurities keeping me from ever venturing any further than "hello."

Too many people fall through the cracks. We think there is always tomorrow (and for a lot of things, there should be time to think them through, especially if they could/would have a negative impact if carried out), but we hold back when we should reach out, with encouragement, with kindness, with friendship, with forgiveness. And perhaps the truth is that there isn't time.  There won't be a tomorrow. We need to connect.  Fate may never wait for you.  It might never be the "perfect" moment you imagine.  Maybe we could meet it half-way, and give ourselves a fighting chance instead of waiting passively for "fate" to happen.  We miss out on each other.  Fate is only a nudge, we have to make the choice to act.

Fog

By the time I went to lunch yesterday, the fog had been swept down to the horizon, clear blue sky above me and warm. When I left work, the sky was full of crows, diving and spinning in the air, evening play before making their way to the nightly roosts.  I caught a bus going southbound, as we crossed over the bridge, I could see the fog as it hung, lingering in the cool, low places, waiting for nightfall in order to seep back in over the streets and around the buildings.

It was only overcast in the city when I left rehearsal. I dozed on the bus, that half-waking sleep, with a succession of mountingly strange dreams, until I forced myself to stay awake so as to not miss my stop. Walking home, visibility was down to a few blocks. The air was wet, the low clouds softly billowed in on imperceptible breezes, like puffs of visible breaths.

In the morning, the ground is wet, the remaining leaves, dripping. Visibility down to two blocks, then one. The air is wet and cold; humidity, not oppressive as in summer.

I briefly broke through a wall last night (I didn't have a confrontation, but I let myself be affected), during an imaginary circumstance exercise with my partner, mostly due to external circumstances. Definitely felt an impulse to move, actually fought it for a while, but finally gave in...I hope it happens again. I am enjoying working with her.

I finished the book.

Tuesday

I almost wrote Wednesday.  Losing track of time and this is only the fifth week.  I agreed to stick this out for the duration, but it's a struggle. Already.  And we don't have class tonight, but am meeting with partner, (we got partnered, at least for the upcoming week) we have to meet three times this week (plus with two or three other people.)  We have logistics issues so are meeting 2x tonight and once later in the week. This morning I thought my wall is that I'm really afraid of confrontation and so I don't let things affect me, to the best of my ability (and then of course when it gets to a point where they do, they really do.) It would be healthier to deal with them a little bit at a time rather than let it explode. Obviously, by the time it gets there, it was affecting me and I needed to deal with it, but didn't. What does that look like? I don't like violence, but at times I envy people who can just let it out, get it over with, forgive each other (that would be the big selling point there), shake on it and move on (and still be friends, still love each other, having really let it go and wiped the dust off their feet, so to speak. Not carry the resentment into the future.) I'm not talking about abuse or cruelty, just the airing of things, the ending of simmering resentments and accusations (based on assumptions, built up in our heads to be the worst possible scenario) the really knowing how things stand so you have no need of avoidance or walking on eggshells. The latter is no way to live, curbing yourself to not upset someone else.  Confrontations, have generally ended badly for me, maybe not always, but that's what left an impression.  It would be a great relief if this work could move me beyond that.  It's a huge limitation on life and in theatre, makes the world smaller and smaller, and limits expression until you just disappear.

And on happier thoughts, singing helps mollify the effects of the gloomy weather, and we ended the rehearsal last night on a silly Christmas song, about elves, I think; most of the songs we've been rehearsing have been pretty somber. But singing feels good anyway. The weather report said no break in the gloom down here anytime in the near future. Apparently, it's warmer and sunnier in the mountains...can't see the mountains from here, now.  Maybe I should try to get out of the lowlands and go hiking.

The hummingbird is moving languidly from flower to flower, almost as if it wished to take a breather in between, or enjoying the beauty of the flowers.

Monday and dreary

The camillias that have been setting buds for what seems like weeks, have finally bloomed, bringing the resident hummingbirds over to the window.  The sun refuses to burn through the endless overcast, and so will have to pretend the bright yellow leaves of the vine maple are the sun.  Been feeling gloomy (or glummy) lately. It's lack of sunlight. When I finally crawled out of bed on Friday afternoon, I went for a walk because the sky was blue. It's not the morning or the evening fog that bothers me (I think I've mentioned this), they are romantic and mystical, but at midday, it's just dreary. Months to go.

Maybe the only point for redemption would be to let go. I never lied and I was no one but who I am, but Jane Siberry says it better than me. I used to love this song. (I still love it, but I don't hit rewind on the tape deck to listen to it over and over again.)

The Walking, from 1988. (And I'm not posting this from the infected computer, so the link should be safe.)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXCyM7FlVyY

Her song Calling All Angels is pretty good, too.

Late, Sunday

Devouring remaining gut-bomb order of rice and beans from Mama's. I suppose stress makes me hungry. We didn't end up doing chair work per se, so I got a little more excited to do the exercises in class though still having a hard time letting my partner's words affect me, i.e., if a roommate repeated what I said over and over again I would get irritated, but I'm not in the Meisner work, and part of it is that I know that they are supposed to repeat me, and knowing that negates my irritation.  (And I'm thinking too much.) 

We are moving fast.  We have added a task to the equation, a task with the highest stakes, the higher the better.  I still feel like we are building on a foundation that I haven't mastered yet, hopefully there is still time for that.  My stakes are higher with some than others right now, but they need to all get there. The stakes are higher right now with the people I'd known before, or have gotten to know a little better because we've worked together a fair amount so far, mostly due to availability.

I'm, a little bummed that whatever is on my computer probably won't allow me to watch a movie, though, perhaps it's a little late for that now.  Maybe I should just go practice balancing something, that was someone else's task, and I volunteered next 'cos I wanted to do it, but I got one of those paddle things with the ball attached and was supposed to hit it 10 or 20 times consecutively, I think I managed 5 at the most, even with my attempts at trying to make the string shorter.  I tried balancing my shampoo bottle on my thumb, but that just kinda' hurt. Cheers.

Virus are us

Spent most of yesterday trying clean up my computer, which has been infected with something. Possibly stealing passwords. I'll have to take it somewhere. Really slows it down. Anyway, no links to anything still.  And speaking of viruses, my friend mentioned that  she'd heard that this vertigo deal is actually some sorta' virus that affects the inner ear. She mentioned she has had it, as well as a bunch of people she knows.  Not sure if I'm relieved or concerned there.

The opera tickets I won from Arts Crush were for Cornish College's production of Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme by Jean-Baptiste Lully and Moliere. I couldn't always follow the story, though it all came together in the second half. I think the idea was that the main character (new rich, putting on airs) Monsieur Jourdain was supposed to be a buffoon, but that actor played him in such a way that I had a sympathetic bend toward him. And he was my favorite character. Everyone else came across as conniving and shrill toward him (which might have been the point, to point out how he is a fool), but it only served to make me like him more. My friend described it as a farce when I pointed out the clownishness of the performance, which I really enjoyed. And the singing, set, movement, performances were all good (even with the occasional dropped lines.) My friend drove me home which was great, there was a Kanye West concert next door, and I think busses would have been packed.  As it was, even with the ride, it was after 11pm when I got home.

Feeling lots of resistance to Meisner. Dread the five upcoming hours. I hope I have a breakthough. My computer might be a goner.  Will have someone look at it tomorrow.

Vertigo part II

Woke up early, fell back asleep and then woke up again with vertigo. Wish I knew what caused it so I could avoid it. It's either my inner ear or my upper back.

I was thinking about the emotional thing and also about the exercise we did on the first night, where we had to do the "playback" of someone else's "video" message. I found the latter really difficult to do and I was concentrating hard to remember, but still couldn't.  A couple days later I was reading class materials in a coffee shop and these two women were talking at the next table. I was there for over an hour, they were talking audibly, I was listening half-way; I was still reading, but listening was unavoidable, really. Anyway, in that half-eavesdropping, I could probably repeat the whole hour of their conversation. And in class, when I'm not actively doing the exercise, but sitting on the side of it observing it, I pick up on all sorts of subtle cues, and I emotionally react to their interactions, but can't really do it in the moment when I'm actively doing the exercise. There must be a certain detachment or distance that works, or perhaps not feeling like I'm on the spot, not feeling like I have to do it.

How does one find the detachment/focus balance in the moment when you have to connect? It's probably a little of performance anxiety of being on the spot, and worrying what other people notice, but I don't know. There's also a distance that doesn't work for me, and I imagine that varies from person to person, really in each other's space works (I think because there's a certain unsettledness of crossing a boundary that ups my sensors to what's going on with the other person) and then with a fair amount of distance it works in a different way, maybe because it allows for detachment...when I'm just outside the personal boundary, it feels like a dead zone, just don't connect there. So, that's also something to consider and try to work with.

Guess I should get up and walk around and see where the vertigo hits. It usually only hits when I turn my head, or move in certain ways. There's usually a way I can hold myself where the world isn't spinning. (It's not spinning as I sit here typing.)

After rehearsal

Really struggled through the 4th chair exercise, plus we were outside and it was chilly, the sun came out after our time was up.  Fourth partner has a fascinating face, very changeable. True for one last night as well, if they turned in the slightest way, almost seemed like a different person.  People are interesting, I have permission to really see that, which is cool.  Again, it's kinda' not a socially acceptable thing to do usually, so a privilege to be able to do it, to really observe someone.  Sat around reading more of the Bruce Lee book while waiting to go to choir rehearsal. Was reading self-defense advice. Later, at choir, director mentioned that his daughter, whom I know from a theatre class, got mugged as she got off of a bus last night. I should probably find a self-defense class. I've taken one in the past, but maybe time for a refresher. Not saying she should have fought back, she didn't end up getting hurt, but her bag and phone were stolen. Luckily, the next bus driver believed her and let her on without making her have to pay.  It's scary though. Ever so grateful that one of my classmates has offered to drive me home on a regular basis. Very grateful.

And another thing, I know I have needy tendencies, and I'm working on figuring out what that's all about, but being around people who run hot/cold (they give, then take it away, repeatedly) isn't really the best decision for me, it just aggravates the behavior. I'm mostly okay if I feel the ground I'm standing on is solid, that currents run kinda' steady, even if the hold/cold seems more exciting. It takes too much of an emotional toll on me. I'm gravitating more to the even keeled people. And that makes me happy, makes me feel like there's hope that I'm not always gonna be an emotional wreck.

Singing seems to be going better. The music is really high, and sometimes it's hard to sustain without a coughing fit, and I get a little scratchy, but certainly doesn't hurt, so keeping my fingers crossed that throat is better for the most part. I drank a lot of tea earlier in the evening, hope it doesn't keep me awake. I have to get up early and cook something for a potluck, since I don't feel like doing it now. Cheers.

Thursday

Wednesday afternoon: legs getting very stiff. Tomorrow will be fun.

Not so bad, just the left leg, equally the quad and the hamstrings.  Went to a charity fair yesterday, a kick-off to the Combined Fund Drive. Again, as with the art event, felt like speed-dating, felt like I was one of a few attendees actually talking to the people at the tables. A bunch of new charities, or ones I didn't know about. I like meeting people. I was there for over an hour, which surprised me, ended up being my lunch break. I was hoping there would be food, but it was mostly just sweets, which I ate and then crashed at my desk a couple of hours later. Ended up with a  police t-shirt, a cupcake, and an offer to hold a kitten, which I declined because although it was adorable (and making a face of seemingly silent roars-I could hear it's voice if I put my ear to it's mouth) I had the cupcake in my hand. There are a lot of agencies I'd like to support: violence prevention, culturally relevant books to kids, farming start-ups, support for foster kids, horse therapy for veterans with PTSD, etc., I'll have to try to scrape up something this year.

So, the question is: why can I get emotional with that but have such a hard time with the chair exercises? Did three last night. I'll start to make progress and then lose it. I started to feel like a sociopath because I wasn't reacting, just repeating. And then I was trying to drop my center of gravity so I could be with the person across from me, but then that took me out of the moment because I was thinking about how to "drop my center of gravity." And then sometimes I just get lost in the other person, which I don't think is the point either. I also noticed that I can't look in both eyes at the same time, I have to choose one or the other...is that how it is for most people?

Reading the Bruce Lee book on the bus this morning, in this essay, he's talking about gung-fu, and Tao, but it totally relates to acting, and where we are trying to get with the Meisner work. He talks about unattachment of the mind and having a broad awareness of what's going on around you so you can respond to anything, rather than having a single-minded focus, that takes your awareness away from what else is going on. And you have to do that on stage, so it makes sense in a way for this work, too, since he was also an actor. Very cool.

Wednesday

It's my upper back that's sore, and my hair doesn't look that bad (it was wet and I had it wrapped up in a pajama shirt right before I fell asleep last night.) Must've been Day 8.

I meant to say that it's easier for me to be vulnerable physically than emotionally (on a "stage," in front of people.) Not easy, just easier...then there is making random sounds, that one's the hardest. And I'm saying, "Yes," when they ask (teachers) even if I'm afraid or feel resistance, unless it would be somehow hurtful or unproductive in the long run (I said, "no" to George once, but I don't necessarily think he expected me to do it, I think he was pushing at my limits, and he went in a different direction after that. I didn't get off of the hook. I did something else that scared me, and that was life-changing.  It has made me less self-conscious in other areas of my life.) I  trust they know what they are doing, and if I get through it, I'll arrive at a stronger, more clear, place.

On another, related note, maybe the most flattering thing you can do for someone is to really listen to them, to give them your full attention. How common is that now?  And it feels like attraction sometimes, even though maybe ten years ago, it was just a normal form of interaction. We're all so distracted now, seems rare when anyone really hears you.

It's starting to be cold in the mornings. I need to figure out where my hat got to, or get another one. If I get them all in, might actually do seven chair exercises before class.

Day...I don't know anymore

"Oh, shit!" would be my reaction to the set up after break. A stage with an audience. A progression in the chair exercises, adding imaginary circumstances. (And I never know, so, how much do I identify with the space being mine? Or is that thinking too much?)  It felt like a jump, jolting away from the familiar, but it was bound to happen, and besides, um, that will be the point after all this, to act on a stage. Just new, and I don't want to get left behind.  I felt stiff, stilted...yeah I don't know. In theory, it should've been easier because we were using our whole bodies and not just sitting across from each other. It was the same exercise we've been doing, only we could move. Also, we spent the first two + hours doing movement work, so in theory, should've been more grounded. I somehow got volunteered to go first on a walk thing, it was sorta' like finding the clown walk in George's class, only we didn't feed off of each other, it was solo finding it. (Well, Robin helped.) It's easier to go first. If I go later, I end up freaking myself out. Anyway, I find the physical work easier to do than the emotional work, hopefully, one will feed into the other. I think I might have strained muscles from just above the knee on the left side, all the way to the top of my butt, I could feel the whole thing seizing up earlier. Will feel it by Thursday, I'm sure. (Usually takes a couple of days.) I don't exactly see images when I let myself go (physically), but I feel things; at one point, whatever it was that I was doing full board, made me feel like a warrior, and super focused. I realized that while I wasn't angry or looking for a fight, I felt ready for a battle.  I like doing the physical stuff (so, I say now. Everytime I say I "like" something, that changes almost immediately.) Still afraid of the "chair" exercises, but pushing through anyway. It's a wall. Needs to fall or at least get a door installed.

The thing with the imaginary circumstance exercise, is that I get self-concious about being boring, and it's not that I was trying to "act" or make it more interesting, I was just aware that I felt boring. Which means I wasn't in the moment with my partner, if I was in my head, I guess. I wanted to use the space more, but didn't feel a compelling reason to move. I was probably thinking too much and not noticing impulses. Hopefully, we will do these again. I'm afraid, but I need the practice, so I have it before we move on to the next thing.

I'm so tired, I'll just have to deal with my hair in the morning.

Tuesday

My stomach is killing me. Been hurting for days now. Down to eating apples and cold oatmeal, figure they would soak up any bad things. Need to eat something today though, Meisner is supposed to be very physical tonight, so need the energy. Have six chair appointments scheduled for this week, hopefully, most of those will happen.

I was wrong about the A.S. Byatt, it's Angels and Insects that I didn't like.  I saw the movie a long time ago with the LA-bound actor, we didn't speak to each other for the rest of the day. As he pointed out once, we shared the same bad qualities...we probably shared good ones as well.  It was often like looking in a mirror, or dating the male version of myself. Strange, at times. He studied at Freehold (Meisner) when he lived here (where I study now). At the time, it didn't even really cross my mind that it would be a possibility for me.  Though I did do some spoken word performances back then, as a favor.

Watched The Owl and the Pussycat last night after choir rehearsal (mostly Swedish lyrics, really got to get those pronunciations down) I think it was Barbara Streisand's first movie. It was a film adaptation of a play by Bill Manhoff. The monologue I did for the scholarship was from that, so I thought it would be good to see it. Not sure if I'll use it for the auditions or not, might try to find something in Frankie and Johnny and the Clair de Lune. (I've done more character work with her already. I could also look at Rhonda from Almost Maine. I'd like to do a monologue from something I've done some background on already, since I'll need to do all that for a second one.) They kept a lot of the same dialogue, though changed the circumstances, i.e. they live in the same building, they both get kicked out of places continually, the supposed fiancé is a pianist instead of a poet, he doesn't threaten to kill himself, etc. The section I did the monologue from was cut from the movie version. I found it at Scarecrow Video, it always surprises me what they have there, it's not that big of a space.

I wonder if we do chair work all year? I should get a second job over the holidays to pay for the TPS membership and headshots.

Synchronicity

Having a silly bout of synchronicity. On Friday night I was listening to the radio, and there was a segment with Ian Doescher about his book "William Shakespeare's Star Wars, " where he wrote out the dialogue of Episode IV in iambic pentameter. Found the book on Saturday, and was reading it on the bus ride to class on Sunday morning, where I found out one of my classmates is doing a staged reading of it next Sunday. It's an enjoyable read.

Maybe my resistance is a fear of losing control; that if I go there, I won't find a way back out. A fear of all the voices that told me I was weak or a victim getting to be right, and I resist letting them be right, it's a superficial judgment, they didn't know me, much. There was always so much chaos in my life, I really fear losing control. I have to be able to, obviously, if I want to work in theatre. It's a safe place to do it. It's no longer my responsibility to hold the universe together, it never should have been in the first place. If my world collapses, then it does. (Easier said than done. Chaos=violence to me, and that terrifies me.) Fear of rejection of true self? Gotta let that one happen, too. This is the safest place I have to explore that.

Home on Sunday

Class was at 9 am this morning. Still feeling resistance; feeling ungrounded. It's showing up in not letting my partner in, not taking them in, so I more urgently need to find a way to get out of my head more and into my body. It's interesting that the center of gravity affects whether I'm present in my body or only with my mind. I spend a lot of time thinking and relating logically. I need to let my heart and my gut into the action as well. We came up with a charter for the rest of the duration, defining how we will be together, what we bring, what we expect from ourselves and each other. It's liberating to have the parameters; it makes it all safer; defines what's the ground, where are the edges. For me, it makes me feel emotionally freer, still a problem for me, but freer. I don't always know what I'm feeling, but maybe that's because I'm trying to find the words in my head, and they don't live there. Worth a thought.

Earlier this week, someone posted an essay on Facebook about how someone wanted to be lovers with everyone they met without that being a sexually intimate thing. I find that whole idea liberating as well. I'll have to find it again, reread it. The impression it left with me was being really present with everyone you encountered, and getting to know people as well. And then I thought, yeah, not rushing into something because there's some unspoken idea out there that there's a "timeline" and you are "supposed" to jump through some freaking hoop by some arbitrary moment, probably decided by an advice columnist in a men's magazine, and universally adopted across the board. It's your body. It's your emotional life. You should really decide between the two of you what works, instead of having unexpressed expectations. I digress.

Went to a play after class, not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I have the annoying thing going on where someone else's opinion colors my experience in that I wonder if they would like it, and what they think about it, and if I'm some rube for my "uninformed" opinion. This is happening alot, it's irritating me. I want to get the insecure snootiness out of my head, and get back to liking things because I like them, or don't, as the case may be. It's like a giant eye watching me and judging me. Not really happening, I know this, constantly think about it just the same. Really needs to close and shut up already.

Here are the trees I love. 


Beloved Trees/L. Herlevi 2013

Last days of flaming glory

Oh. Lots of robins this morning. A sky full of robins. Gorging themselves on the fruit of the ash tree. Flocking with the starlings, the voices of both filling the air with song.

My favorite trees are scheduled for removal at any moment. The thought of it rips my soul in two. I get attached to old trees. They stand there waiting for an execution, flaming red against blue sky, wrapped in prayer flags and tokens of love people have left there. "Replacement trees will planted when project is done." One generic life does not "replace" a specific, beloved one. I get too attached to life. Generics can never replace a specific, beloved one.

Saturday afternoon

Doing laundry. Once again, did not make it to the Frye. I had gone to the Farmer's Market and then to meet with a classmate and then to look for a book I want to do a monologue out of, and to price shoes, and to Goodwill, and to the library and then home. Laundry is mostly for the sweaters I found at Goodwill.

Did not find the Stanislavski book I was looking for, the library had been rearranged, and there are a lot fewer books in it. In the spot where I expected to find the Stanislavski book, I found Bruce Lee's Artist of Life, which I checked out.  First book I saw. A lot of synchronicity with him over the past week, I think the time is right for him to be a new teacher to me. Feel chased into it, as sometimes happens: chased to J, to D, to France (which probably saved my life...there was a storm on the trail I had planned on walking, and somebody died, I've mentioned that elsewhere. I started the trip a week later than originally planned and from a different city), chased to Spain, to Lourdes, to Fatima, and always to Seattle. It's funny, his philosophy is similar to the text I'm reading for class, though different culture, and similar to what we are learning in class. So, the timing is good. I'm open to it. And he's easier for me to understand than the other writer is. It might not be fair to say, but it feels like the motivations are different: Bruce wants to teach, to share, while the other writer seems to want only to share his experience. There is a subtle difference.

With each teacher I've had over the past year, I feel I'm getting pushed more and more along some personal journey; this would be outside of the theatre work, I'm learning that too, but there is this other journey underneath that. With most of them, I've taken the teaching and moved on, one I haven't been able to, the "lesson" is too tangled up with past energy for me, and it's hard to unravel, and I want to: I'm tired of facing it. It's come up a lot. Hopefully I'll end up more enlightened at some point:) Anyway, all of them have given me a permission of some sort that, being the perfectionist that I am, I've needed to get on with it. To get unstuck. I am grateful for all of them.

Time for housecleaning.

Resisitance

I was surprised by the rain when I walked out the door. It was raining hard, had to put on a jacket. I listened to the weather reports and somehow didn't get the impression that it was raining. The gray and the silence are a nice contrast to the vibrant colors of all the trees.

(Around a hundred referral spam hits after that post.) Having a very unfortunate muscle spasm around my tailbone. It's making me feel a little sick.

I'm feeling a lot of resistance to the chair exercises now. There is a fear of going deeper. Fear of uncovering things I didn't know were there (like the crying on Tuesday.) Fear of being boring, or of not doing the exercise right. Fear of the kindness, of being able to trust it. My inability to say the same things back to someone, fear I lack the worthiness to say it. A lot of resistance, I'm holding back from something. I do this in relationships, too. All of them, not just love. But it's worse with someone I'm attracted to, when they suddenly like me back, it suddenly feels too fast (like 0 to 100) and I back off, and then they end up with someone else. I take a long time to make up my mind. And I don't always trust what I'm feeling...I've been wrong a lot. If I did this to you, I'm sorry. Definitely "therapy worthy" behavior.  Anyway, two done for the week, one tomorrow (hopefully), would be good to get more in before class on Sunday. Plenty of time after class, since it's early this week. I need to do more of them, so I'm not so afraid of them. Face whatever it is that's scaring me.

Thursday evening

One of my co-workers had comp tickets to the UW Chamber Dance Company concert tonight. Beautiful. My favorite work was Doug Varone's Possession which is based on the A.S. Byatt book, which I'm not a fan of, and which the speaker before commented as having a Victorian feel about it, which I didn't pick up on, but the movement and fluidity and spatial awareness was stunning. All of the work was great: Doris Humphrey's Air for the G String (1928), and The Shakers-Dance of the Chosen (1930); Zvi Gotheiner's Brazilian Duets (1998); and Twyla Tharpe's The Fugue (1970) which was performed without any music, which is amazing in itself, and it was the longest piece...how do you keep time? I never did go to the rehearsal, the person that told me I could go was in a meeting, and though I probably coulda' walked into the rehearsal without her, I felt funny about it. Another time.

And there's all these great clown workshops happening, but I keep having scheduling conflicts, ones I can't change. I need to get into my body more. While we do warm-ups in Meisner, most of the time we sit, at least for now. I feel like from all the time I spend in my head, and sitting, and because of how much my arm hurts lately, my center of gravity keeps inching up higher and higher. Feeling really ungrounded. I'm reminded of this when I walk down hill or down steps, and especially when I see people dance. I should get some sleep.

I'm trying to see if I don't edit, if I still get all the spambot things hitting me. There are grammar things I want to edit in previous posts (wrong word, wrong punctuation, unclear thought, etc) but then I get like 100 spam hits. Not gonna edit this.

Okay they hit immediately, not related to editing:(

Thursday

I was thinking this morning how the debriefing sessions remind me of Stanislavski's "An Actor Prepares," with his questions to his teacher. There's a newer version of it out now, because his teaching evolved over time, and what was being taught in the west no longer matched his teaching, and the newer translation is closer to his later philosophy (I think he went back to include the physical work.) I'll have to check it out again, I've always had a hard time getting through it, because I want to get to the practice itself...last time I skipped to the exercises in the back, and I think I want to revisit those since I now have people to work through them with. I think it lives at my local library branch.

Maybe some truths are momentary, but make such a strong impression that they guide our actions for years to follow, even long after their moment has passed. Maybe we need to revisit them and decide if they are true now, instead of following them without question in perpetuity.

Took another stab at the text for class. It's a little better in the middle. He talks about breath, about getting into a meditative state so that there is flow. And how in that state, your art and you become one and the same (I think, I get lost sometimes.) And how it's important to have mastered both the art and the process of getting to that state, so that you are ready for the inspiration when it comes and don't need to think about it. (He also mentions how difficult it is to stay in that state. How thoughts of completely unrelated things invade it and try to distract you.)  I always feel like I'm going to hyperventilate when I concentrate on breathing, and my nose gets sore: I have a lot of sinus issues. Obviously, something to work on. There is a definite appeal of getting to the point of flow and not over thinking everything; to get there, I need to do the work to the point that I don't need to think about it anymore. That's the point of studying, I suppose. The meditation is a practice to master outside of class, in hopes that in the future the two things will mesh, the responses will be in the moment and real. Sounds like it should be easy to do:) though it's not for me.

Inner critic

I'm tired of my inner critic beating me up. I'm tired of not standing up for myself against it, for believing it as truth when in reality that voice is a mixture of a lifetime of outer voices telling me who I am or who I'm not (some well-meaning, others not at all, but very few from really bothering to know me, and most of it someone else's fears projected onto me. And besides, I've changed a million times, a million things since the voices first spoke, I'm not who I was when those words might have been true...so why am I letting them have so much power?) It's not the voice of God. It's not even the voice of me, or of any kind of truth. Just a nag sitting on my back telling me everything I do is wrong and that I'll never be good enough, so why bother? Shut up already! And because I'm trying to do something now, it's really loud. And it drowns out legitimate advice.

Just got invited to a Sounder's game tonight, which would be fun, but I need to get my head on straight and figure out what's going on in my life. If I were more organized, it wouldn't be so crazy, but right now I feel like I've got tunnel vision just so I don't lose my mind. Might be some let up in November. I enjoy all of it, I just am not getting enough down time, hardly any at all, and I need a lot. I probably need to cut back on stuff, but I want to sing for the Christmas concerts, so need to get to most of those rehearsals. We have a couple big events in the spring, but I might be able to cut back on rehearsals after Christmas, or maybe I'll get more in a groove with all of this scheduling.

The fog is almost burned off now. Had a glimpse of the Olympics from the bus stop earlier, more snow since the last time they were visible. One of the ski resorts (Cascades) opened for limited use a couple of weeks ago. It's not that you forget you are surrounded by mountains, but it's always a pleasant surprise to see them again after so much heavy gray, and to see that they've changed in the intervening days. We're having a vibrant autumn as well, think it has something to do with the weather, how much color the leaves get year to year. Yesterday we had a downpour, and when it had passed and the sky cleared, there was bird song erupting in the air everywhere. All of this sensory overload (in a good way.) The power flashed after the clap of thunder and I wondered if it would blow out the servers and send us home (it didn't.) But a few hours later, there was a water main break down the hill which set off all the fire alarms here, and we had to wait outside over an hour for someone to come turn them off, so we got out early after all. Thankfully, it was neither raining nor cold by that point.

I saw five robins in the Fill a couple days ago, still none here, nor by my house, but I was happy to see them. They seem to have been replaced by Stellar Jays in the old haunts. Lots of acorns this year.

Hitting my wall

We spent a fair amount of time debriefing after partner exercises, the third of which had me on the edge of uncontrollable sobbing, and I'm not sure why. Right at the surface, boom! I was blindsided by that. My partner was very kind, and I was probably putting too much energy into not going into the sobbing fit...hard to recover from those. I can almost bring it back now if I think about that. They were happy memories. Related to one of the elephants, would help me understand a lot of my life now, if I could figure out where all that pain was coming from. Right under the surface and I didn't know it was there. I didn't shut down on her or try to hide the crying from her; I hid a little in trying to back away from the sobbing, but I stayed with her (my partner) for the most part. So much distance from someone who was the closest person to me once, with no real good reason for it. We might as well live on different planets, on opposite sides of the universe. I block it out most of the time, I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to break through. I don't know where the distance came from. The signals break up in the ether and disperse, never reaching their intended destination.

How quickly it changes day to day, now officially afraid of the chair exercises: they just got personal, no more repetition for repetition's sake; repetition, but reacting like a real person and not a polite student. Finding it hard to make that transition, finding it hard not to dull the edges...that's what I've always done. That's how I've survived....but I have to unlearn it for here, let the words cut if they do and react to that and then shake it off later. Characters say the things we wish we could, but won't (and probably really shouldn't) in real life. But in the writing, the writer's give us permission to do it on the stage, both for us, and by extension, for the audience. Eight-and-a-half more months. Officially hitting my wall again and again and again (well the one I'm aware of at any rate.)

Tuesday, still tired

I'm back to the insomnia, maybe getting four hours of sleep a night. We're sorta' having a thunderstorm.  About the acting thing I mentioned, I meant that anger tends to be an easy emotion to go for, easy to generate energy with that. And if it's what's called for, great. It's just that it's easy to hide behind, to use as a mask to cover up truths that we don't want to face. And it is about going for what you want, but there are many ways to get there. It can easily become a game just to win for the sake of winning, but losing the truth of  the moment, of the interaction, by turning it into a one-up-man-ship. Thin line there between tactics to get your objective vs. winning only for the sake of winning, to defeat the other person (and losing the reality of the humanity of the other), to prove your dominance, (but losing sight of the overall goal)...it's not always about the latter. And in only going for the latter choice, it becomes all about you, and not about the interaction, the other person might as well not even be there, you aren't seeing them.  I don't think the point is to figure out how to decimate that person in front of you, maybe I'm wrong. I don't think it builds up trust in order to do the hard work needed together, in general...some people thrive on that, others shut down. Whatever you're calling out in the other person should be present in the moment, right in front of you. No need to make up stories. (I'm not referring to scene work, only to the current chair work. We are not working under imaginary circumstances here.)

Sleepy Monday

Wow. I have 5 cents in my checking account. (Luckily, the medical reimbursement has been processed, though those always take a couple of days to register in the bank.) I thought more about that dream, it was actually pretty loaded. Woulda' been something if I'd actually gotten myself moved out of the house. The elephant is starting to speak more. There's a spider on the outside of my window that just dashed into the center of a web and then back out again. I've never seen a spider move that quickly. Now it's hiding on the corner of the pane, waiting. Maybe it knows something.

Shoot, have to go home before the clown thing: I forgot the short-things that are part of the costume. Kinda' need them.

I get disillusioned when I think about how good that performance was on Saturday, and how far away I still am from finding that in myself. Someone mentioned to me yesterday that she had paid an acting coach with help for an audition, I'm strongly considering that. Will see how the non-clown group evolves, I need to perform the monologues to someone before I do the audition, and that terrifies me at the moment. It makes me feel exposed. It's actually flip-flopped with how I feel about singing now, which is interesting; they aren't my words, still maybe it's that the emotional choices would be mine, I guess. I'm worried I wouldn't make good ones, or be able to make any at all.

The clown jam was fun. I haven't done anything since July. It's still really scary to do something solo in front of the group, not as scary as in George's class (for one, we don't have to stay up there as long), but scary. I'm my own worse critic, I fear that my energy is too low and I won't be able to bring energy into the exercise. I think the whole concept is for support, and continuation and sharing of exercises and work...I don't think anyone is sitting there hoping I fail. There is so much generosity in the room. The fear is all in my head: I'm not creative enough, not expressive enough, not interesting enough, blah, blah, blah. I need to do all this more to shut up that voice: you/I have to actually have the courage to get up and do the work, the exercises, whatever to get better. It takes guts to try. It takes guts to get up and try it again after you fail. And again. Take that, inner critic. The critical voice is private, hiding in the secrecy of shadows, the work is out in the open, failing publically. The critic isn't going to win.
(My brain isn't really working on functioning thoughts anymore. And except for a haiku or two, I pretty much write from what's spilling out of my head without much filter. Apologies for when it's not all that coherent.) Night.

Oh, thank God, the reimbursement deposited.

It's still Sunday

I really don't know what day it is: I just put the garbage out at the curb...it's the wrong day, I thought tomorrow was Tuesday. Day has felt like several different lives. Regretted, since I left the house, that I wasn't carrying a camera, but didn't have time to go back, I was already late. Walked through the sculpture park late in the afternoon, warm sun, warm air; hard shadows; empty chairs waiting for sitting in, the orange matching the surrounding trees; birches with bright shots of yellow amid the green; glowing rust against bright blue sky. Crowds looked out to the western horizon, watching boats and mountains, gulls spinning through the sky. Others climbed the roof of the temporary structure, I did that too, and when I had walked one way and back, walked up to class and after looking and re-checking the clock, realized I was still early, and not ten minutes late. Sat and watched a Croatian band play, enjoying watching the faces around me light up and sing along, words I didn't know; heartfelt memories, I didn't feel. My second day of dropping into someone else's culture.

And I don't think being truthful in the moment and calling what you are getting necessarily needs to be going for the jugglar just to get a reaction. In some ways, that's faking the tension, forcing the moment. At any rate, there is more than one form of tension on stage and in the world, going for the fight is the easy one, the easiest one. Right there at the surface for most of us. I shoulda' called it, called out the behavior, I only questioned the statement, and then bit back. I didn't go for the jugglar, 'cos while I was slightly hurt, for someone that hardly knows me, it can't be about me, even if they think it is: it's about them. You don't know me enough for me to believe it's about me. How's that for abstraction? Still it's true. We all have baggage, it's usually (not always) about that. We read ourselves on someone else instead of really being present with them, really seeing who it is that is in front of us. In polite reality, we stay on the surface, the safe place.  In this room, we have to strip it away. Still sometimes the intimacy of attention can be mistaken for love, or other strong feelings, but is that real outside the room?

Saturday

There is a massive sun-dog in the sky. The sky looks as if an artist were playing at thinly stretching cotton across canvas to see what came up, a mish-mash of shapes and directions, a precursor to rain.

Went to the "Searching for Bruce Lee" tour of the International District this morning. It was part of Arts Crush festival taking place around the region for the month of October. It was a walking tour of the International District to places with some relationship to Bruce Lee, and included a history of the neighborhood as well.  Along the way there were scenes acted out, written by local playwrights and performed by local actors. It ended at a dim sum place for some food. I randomly ended up at a table of one of the actor I knew's relatives. The whole thing made me want to know more about Bruce Lee: seemed like a really decent, thoughtful, cool guy.

I was planning on reading scripts after that, but stumbled upon a Taiwanese Independence Day celebration so hung out there until it was time to go to the other play. The other play was a staged reading (a remarkably wonderful staged reading) of "The Brick and the Rose" by Lewis John Carlino and performed by Arouet. It's basically about boy who is searching for meaning and whose life is cut short by heroin, which is pretty depressing, but it was so well-performed and the writing is poetic. That was also part of Arts Crush. After that, I wandered around through places I rarely go, looking in shops and at art for general inspiration, then coming closer and closer to the reality of city life and out of the dream world of art as I neared my bus stop, with its crowds and jostling and arguments. And now I'm home.

Was invited to both a birthday party and to attend the dance performance I worked at last night, but I feel like I'm fighting off a virus, so will probably stay home and do laundry and get everything ready for tomorrow, another really long day where I have to leave the house by 8 am and won't get home again until almost 11 pm. Thinking about it makes me want to take a nap.

Later, that same day

The sadness lingers through the morning. I hope the sun shows its face, it would help. Went to see if my favorite barista was working, bought a day-old bagel, toasted. He was there, also subdued, I think someone had just told him something sad.

My speed-dating with arts groups ended up with a couple follow-ups regarding shows tomorrow, both of them free, early, and with people I know involved in them. I never did get my lottery event, but it's a busy month, so I suppose that's okay. There are a couple of pay-what-can nights for shows I want to see, so might do that. Ooh, no the site was down: I won opera tickets. Cool.

I wore a dress because I thought I'd be short on time between jobs (need to dress nice for the catering gig), but the latter changed the call time, so I actually do have time to go home first. I'm cold, but doesn't hurt to dress up for work:) Although the slip I love and bought specifically for this is a couple of inches too long...had to improvise. I'm meeting a classmate for chair exercises in between the two (jobs), but that's only a half hour.

Went to pay a bill during lunch, missed the fast bus back to work (and people were really driving like idiots on that route, there was the potential for multiple accidents on the way there, mostly people trying to make left-turns without really being able to see, and others trying to get into a drive-thru lane, but blocking traffic to do that.) Had to catch the scenic route, which, since the fog had burned off by then, was gorgeous: the golden trees, blue sky, view of the mountains out for the first time in days, and now with snow on them. Napped for a bunch of that, too, didn't realize I was tired. It's a long route. My lunch break was long, but I forgot to take one yesterday, so I guess it washes out.

Told the truth to random acquaintances to get it off of my chest. They won't retell it, and it was burning a hole in my mouth. Blindsided.

The sky is full of stars tonight, more visible than usual, even with the city lights. On the flight to London, we watched the clouds billow up like secret castles, and later, the colors that flashed on the horizon at the edge of the darkness. Stars out to forever. You were the first person I could share that with. When you thought I was sleeping, you leaned over and shut the blind.

Early, awake and sad

Oh, man, just woke up heartbroken. Had two sad dreams in a row, two involved him and he was cordial, but really wouldn't make an effort to talk to me without prodding, the first he was driving me home from somewhere, then he turned into another friend who was trying to get directions on a smartphone; the second was actually a super sad dream about a relative I was trying to carry on my back and trying to convince them to wait somewhere and I would come back for them, but they didn't want to (and I don't blame them, everywhere was a bit sketchy, but I couldn't carry them on the steep hill going down or coming back), and then we were suddenly watching a play and he was there with a woman (there was no point for us to go to the play or for him to appear in the dream, it's my subconscious messing with me), who leaned over to the side really far to be cute or clever and pushed him into my relative, so I went and sat between he and the relative so he wouldn't fall on them. I think the play was a farce, and at an intermission the relative tried to get a program, but couldn't read it because the font was too small, and I woke up with them trying to explain how they were gonna try to copy it larger later or something, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. The atmosphere was kinda' gloomy in both. I don't know why we parked so far away. And we weren't there to go to the play, not really sure how we ended up there. I was trying to get to a house to move out of it. Yesterday, I woke up from nightmares. I haven't remembered my dreams in a while, about as long as I haven't seen a robin, these were pretty vivid. I was happy enough when I went to sleep last night, stressed out the night before. Have a long day today (all of it good things.)  Might as well get it started.

About that missing bird

Oh, apparently robins flock together (for safety) and migrate. It seems strange for them to leave now, however, as there seems to be plenty of food, and the weather has been good. And I know we have some during the winter, though, maybe they migrate here from somewhere further north. One site I looked at mentioned that the migrational pattern of American Robins is a mystery. (And the ones that don't migrate, have first choice of breeding territory.)

Free item(s) today: chai (the real stuff, not from a bottle) crisp grapes, brownie bites.

Went to an audition panel after work. There were four panelists from theatres around town, mostly casting directors (ACT, Seattle Rep, Book-It, and Seattle Shakespeare Co.) They talked about the casting process, resumes, general things about auditions, how to choose work and prepare that for a general audition, among other things (it's okay to introduce yourself, let them know what you are doing; they are on your side even if you don't get cast, etc.) Really helpful. So on that input, I am going to sign up for the TPS auditions, even if I only get to the pre-auditions. So, need to start saving up for head-shots (about $285.) I guess that's actually not too bad, camera actors have to get them a lot more often than stage actors, you have to actually look like the picture when you go out for auditions/jobs. (Some stage actors look nothing at all like their head shots; they are refreshingly less intimidating in person.)  Also, need to start reading a lot more plays. And I don't think I'll do a classical monologue. On the way home, I also decided I need to start doing the physical training again: my center of gravity has creeped up toward my chest again, and I feel like I have an aversion to my feet fully contacting the ground. I've been making a lot of excuses, time for that to stop.

I'd been looking for a group of people to work with, and now (fingers crossed) I have two: a clown group and a text group. Both of them only meet 1x/month, but it's something to stay in practice, to read more plays, work on monologues, work on physical impulses, and to stay in contact with people, build a community.

And lastly, the woman I sat next to had seen our show, she said she enjoyed it, enjoyed our scene, particularly the clothing removal (it was funny.) It was really nice to having someone I've never met before tell me that. It's good to know all the work is actually communicating to someone, even if it's just to make them laugh. I think it's why we do it, and it makes it more worthwhile to sacrifice (time, money, sanity) this year.

Wednesday

Random liberated food of the day: a lemon and a lime, someone must have cleaned out a fridge somewhere. Also included in the bowl were over ripe pears, random selection of tomatoes, and an apple. Then corn chips and dip. I have a melon in the fridge I should eat, and a banana, then won't be a total unhealthy wash. Crud, I need to get to my garden and clean it up. Might be some kale or something growing as well. (I like kale, but don't really get the whole raw kale thing. Yuck. It's so tough, great for roughage, but do you really digest much of it? So much nicer when it's at least sauteed, a little olive oil, garlic, lemon juice. So much easier to chew.)

On an unrelated note: If that person sitting across from you is an unexplored universe unto themselves, how could you ever be bored? Everyone, one in a billion, never again. There's always more than you think you know: first impressions can be wrong. Explore.

Long bus ride

Lights flashed red in the distance, all the way across the road, or on a corner, I thought. Couldn't figure out what it was, must've not realized where I was. Turned out to be the drawbridge up. We sat there for about ten minutes waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

I missed the bus I left early for, because I had the wrong schedule in my head, I coulda' done a second session, I did a partial one, thinking my bus was at a later time. I waited, and then walked to another stop. Caught a different bus. It's been over an hour.

At the edge of a rabbit hole, will have to drop into it; don't think I have, yet. We've been working on trust, and today we worked on empathy. It's actually similar to a practice I do when I'm frustrated with someone, or need to forgive, or understand them because there is an impasse, a wall. We looked at each other, really looked at each other and then imagined the other in a different place or time, and imagined the other at a very young age, at a very old age, through a range of circumstances. In regular life I don't practice that looking at the other person, they are not usually present, obviously. I will say that in regular life, those relationships have transformed. It has helped me to understand the other person and to not take things as personally, but to realize there is this whole history of why they respond/behave like they do. Again, I haven't done it in a while, it opens me up too much.  Anyway, the version we did was a great exercise, even if I did have trouble in the imagination department today, it changed how I felt about that actor, and I think it changed how we relate.

And then I was a little scared to do the chair exercises. Ironic. I was afraid I would be boring, wouldn't be able to do the exercise correctly, yada, yada, yada...it was fine. And then we went even deeper and there seemed to be a general apprehension in the room, but that might also have to do with not quite understanding it. It was to get us to pay attention to even the most subtle reactions in our partner. Oh, the levels of needed vulnerability grow, and walls come up and walls will fall. They have to. They have to. It's kinda' the point: you have to be available on stage. We'll see if anything I've done this year has helped blast through any walls or knocked back the chips. Laughter is no longer the only strong emotional response. It's like therapy. Yea.

Day 4

None of that is to say that I wouldn't mind getting paid for the art, I would like to get paid, just saying that isn't my main motivation for doing it.

I realized this morning that not only have I not heard the robin singing at dawn in a long while, I also haven't seen any in a couple of weeks. There are usually several around work, in the grass. They don't migrate, there are usually robins here all through the year. Wonder where they are?

There was a retreat for students over the weekend, and so random food keeps trickling through the office, today it's carrots and slices of cheese. I did say random. Oh, and then scones from another meeting. Did get up early enough to make lunch, but not to get to store to buy cleaning stuff. Tomorrow? Then if I don't meet a classmate during lunch, I can go drop of my rent.

Just got invited to an open dance rehearsal, trying to learn more about all performing arts, was talking with a dancer. I'll have to find someone to cover for me. Will call it "lunch." It's during the day. I think a friend has offered me an extra ticket to the performance itself, but it would be cool to watch a rehearsal.

I find I'm nervous about class, but looking forward to the chair exercises because: 1) I have a general idea of how they go; 2) when we work as a class, it's super focused and she calls you on behaviors. It's funny, because usually I feel the opposite, I like the warm-ups (more or less) and get nervous for the exercises (this was particularly true for clown, if I didn't go first on those, I sat in my seat and felt the terror of failing; felt my energy level drain out of me and wondered if I would be able to walk into the ring at all, half-hoping we'd run out of time first.) There are a couple of warm-ups that I've dreaded: sound ball (where you stand in a circle and throw a sound and motion to someone across from you, and then they have to repeat it as you receive it and then throw sound/action to someone else-I think it must dredge up memories of Duck duck goose, which I always dreaded: dreaded being both the goose, and later, never being chosen as well), and I can't remember what the other one is. Anyway, we did them as warm-ups before the show, and for the first time, it was fun for me. So maybe I'm over that.

Also, with the chair exercises, it's been hard to stay on track when we meet one-on-one out of class. There's a level of boredom or discomfort that is hard to push through and we end up chit-chatting or stopping the process too soon: it's a weird thing to do. I worked with one person last week where we actually burned through it with minimal chatting: I think at that point we both wanted to get something out of the work and that overrode any other weird obstacles that came up. They do. Your mind wanders, you get distracted, you start thinking, overthinking, try to break the monotony, try to entertain, maybe.

Well, that's today. Will see how that sentiment holds up over time.