Tired

I probably only got 2-3 hours of sleep last night, woke up at 4 am and couldn't fall back to sleep, though I tried. I'm hardly functioning at all. We finished our initial read-thru early, and then were working on narrative together and I was saying random words to my scene partner as I tried to discuss it with her. My brain came up with semi-related words which my mouth spoke, but they weren't the right ones. All the kissing pretty much has to start happening now.  He (the director) says that we just need to do it. There is no trick. I suppose it's better to get comfortable with it before the public performance. She has to kiss (a man) in her other scene, too. They worked that one tonight. The performance is in about five weeks.

I went to the dentist before class. No sore throat, yet. Hopefully, that was just a fluke. One thing I like about him, is we have similar taste in music. So, when I'm feeling "aauugh! I have a new sensitive spot that the metal probe just found." I also can go to, "ooh, I really like that song." Works for me. Apparently, you can't really numb the lower teeth without numbing the entire lower jaw on that side, so I'll have to find another way to deal with it. (I get novocaine for part of my upper gum-line, makes it so much easier for the hygienist if I'm not jerking around in the chair in anticipation of pain.) The dentist is also nice, and I don't have to go back for a while.

I notice the seagulls near work try to drop down and blend in with the students eating lunch outside, as if to sneak up and grab some food when no one is looking. It would work better if they didn't start squawking. Sometimes people can be pretty oblivious, but the squawks are so loud, you take notice. And yes, I did stay awake just to say that. I have to get up early so I can drop off my rent in the morning, too. Buenas noches.

What they give

I've mentioned this somewhere or to someone I think. The most important thing I learned in the physical theatre (and singing) classes I've taken is the permission to go big and fail. I can't always do it, maybe I can hardly do it at all, but there is a shift in perception in me. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath waiting for permission to be able to fail. Somehow I had learned I had to be perfect, and so I held back (oh, hell, from EVERYTHING) because I wasn't "perfect" and wasn't "good enough." Does that make sense? It's hard to explain. I had kinda' forgotten about it until just now when I was writing an assignment for my clown instructor. I know it's possible in other classes, but it was never explicit, and here, in these classes, it is, and it's expected. It's life-changing, you know. It's one thing to hear it, and quite another to believe it, to begin to be able to live it.

Just got a notice from the library that Art and Fear is now available, talk about good timing.

(And now that the swelling has gone down, I can see all the individual bite marks, there are 6 or 7, all from the same individual, all in the crook of my elbow. That yellow jacket got me pretty good.)

Later

Had to go home during lunch because I forgot part of my clown outfit. Somehow zoned out on the bus during the final 15 blocks to my stop and missed it, became aware of surroundings as we turned the corner and pulled up to a stop near my house, luckily someone else had pulled the cord: I was watching the buildings, trying to figure out where I was and realized I had already gone passed my stop. Got off and walked back. I've never missed my stop before. I wasn't even tired.

I called the landlord about the yellow jackets earlier today. When I walked up to the house, they were at least flying 20 feet away from hive, and over the sidewalk, so I used the other door. Nothing had been done to mark it off (not surprised that they haven't done anything. They should, they could get sued if someone has a bad reaction to a bite.) If I remember, I'll try to find some sidewalk chalk and mark it that way. I don't want to get close to the hive. It's weird. It's like they appeared suddenly, I don't remember seeing any even a couple days ago when I watered, and now there are hundreds.

And I've been thinking about the scene, I hope I can do it justice. Some of the dialogue is so absurd, it's hilarious. At this point, I can't even read it without tears streaming down my face because I'm laughing so hard. Complete cluelessness on the part of my character.  It'll be fun. (As long as I can play it seriously.)

One class left now. It's after midnight, I ate, but won't shower (which is gross, but...it's late, I'm tired and I want to get enough sleep.) My favorite exercise that we did was the last one which involved a lot of stillness. I misunderstood it, was in the first group and did too much (it hadn't been explained much at that point.) I wanted to go again because the point was to do nothing and see what evolved, but we ran out of time. I want to see if I can do nothing and not be boring. It goes back to what we had talked about in the last class. I don't normally operate at higher emotional levels, and it does feel imposed when I do (though, admittedly, it's also fun to go there.) I often feel fake when I have to push it, I do it hoping I'll get to a point where it doesn't feel that way, where it's genuine.  I said I'd get my assignment emailed to him tonight, but I won't. Will have to write it in the morning. I'm not really thinking in complete sentences right now. (I couldn't remember what it had been and by the time a classmate emailed me back, I didn't have time to write it.) Shoot, I left half a slice of pizza in the studio when I exited tonight. Hopefully someone else tossed it.  I hope something has shifted inside me from all this. I'm not always certain.

Still hurts

Slept, but bite area still really painful. Wonder how long this will hurt for? Bruised, too. Off to work. And I realize that I never did finish dealing with the garbage last night, or go back out to mark it, perhaps they are dormant now?

Oh, no. The poor things are in crisis mode. I didn't even pull that many weeds, but I suppose I exposed the entrance. It's relatively new that they are there, we've mowed the lawn fairly recently without issue. (The nest is in the lawn.)

Bitten

Was trying to weed to throw stuff into the yard-waste pick-up and unfortunately discovered a yellow jacket nest.  Or perhaps I should say, they discovered me. Pissed off (them, not me.) I got bit once or twice; the one that I slapped left a blood mark and swelling. Unbelievable how much it hurts. I don't even know how to describe it, intense stinging perhaps? Waiting for the nurse to call me back about what I should do. I've never been bitten by one before. I once had a wasp crawl up my pant leg and sting me, but that was the last time. I was maybe 10.  I'm trying to keep an ice pack on it. I'm paranoid that I'm going to have an allergic reaction so I imagine my tongue is swelling. I hope it's just my imagination. I'm not actually allergic to anything (well, there are foods that freak out my immune system, but not in a life-threatening kinda way.)

Okay, nurse called back. I feel kinda sick, but I think that's because I need to eat something. I'm waiting for the baking soda to neutralize the venom first, she said 20 minutes...I'm typing with just one hand, the bite(s) are in the crook of my left elbow. I'm just gonna keep singing myself now, listen for raspiness. I'm still paying off those earlier ER visits, I don't want to go. I don't even think anyone's home.  I should probably put a warning sign up.  The nest is in the ground, under a brick. Later.

On the bright side, gives my immune system something else to do. Been over three hours and I can still swallow, so I guess I can try to sleep. Nothing I've done has deadened the pain, but the swelling has gone down.

Only eight more hours now

What have I learned? Have I changed? I still feel I don't allow myself the moment of failure, which could become an event, or, perhaps I don't stay with it long enough. There is this part of me (my logical brain, maybe) that wants to do what I was asked to do. That wants to finish the task. And really some part of me knows that the task is only the means for entering into the clown moment(s), not the end, in and of itself. Yet, that part of me that want to please takes over and I don't let myself fail as fully as I could. It's harder to do than I would have thought, and the moments of failure are completely a gift, which I'm not fully accepting. He also mentioned that if I feel nothing, I should maybe explore that and see if it leads anywhere. I have a fear it would be boring for someone else to watch.

And then there is the issue with my not connecting with the audience, even when I think I am, it is still not registering. And the feeling, again from the audience, that I'm dropping the energy before I exit, when I thought I was exiting with energy. So, I need to take a look at that. If it's not registering, it's not. I need to change something. All they can take is what I'm giving them, and they are not receiving it.

What's better? Well, the change in self-consciousness, definitely. The willingness inside of me to sing, to dance, to do other weird shit without the total paralyzing feeling of judgment. (Basically, to be present without really caring what people think of my "talent." It's not that I don't want them to like me, I do want them to like me, but I'm not waiting to be "perfect" first. I'm willing to share me, as I am, flawed and all, with them.)  Perhaps more authentic?  Also, the continuation (from the bit we did in Movement last winter) of going from the outside to the inside. I want to explore it more. I think there's a healthy aspect to it, but it's a fine line.  And I do like to have an action. I still freeze up without one.

And you know, the whole thing is really fun. I know we have eight hours left, and I could be completely destroyed on Thursday, but as of today, taking this class was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was the right time, right teacher, right place, once again. (This year's been like that.) I don't know if it was Paul or Mahria or Tanya, but whomever put the idea in my head, "Thanks." (That's just sorta' out to the Universe, they won't see this.)

Just getting home from class

Well, went from class to wait to go to the Long Shot auction and then ran down back down into town to see a staged reading of a play in development, which for some reason didn't initially register in my head as being three-hours long. Anyway, ran into a friend there when I was leaving and she offered to drive me home. Otherwise, I would just be boarding the bus downtown now. Very moving. The story is about the plight of Cambodian refugees, but name a country, it could apply. What is it to be held indefinitely in detention when you have no country? Why do we insist on the breaking of the spirit of one another...are we not all human? We need to find another solution.

As far as class goes, the scene actually makes more sense as being played by two women. It's still going to be awkward (the kissing), but I think it would feel awkward to kiss any of my classmates. I'll survive. There was a lot of nice work in the photo exhibit, I probably coulda' submitted something. Maybe shouldn't be so hard on myself. I almost asked my friend to buy me something at 8:30 pm, when the price dropped to $25. But I had to run, and I didn't have cash on me when he arrived.

Still no good two-person trick for tomorrow. Seems to be a theme, not just for me. Perhaps I'll dream of something.

Might have a little food-poisoning.

Woke up a bit frazzled still

I'll get over whatever disappointment I feel (I wanted a different part, or actually, to be in it a little more) and have fun with what I've got. It is a "play" afterall, the process should have an element of fun to it. As far as the substance-use thing I said goes, I don't care if someone did that in their past, that's not particularly uncommon. I'm not trying to be judgmental about it, but because of who I am, I just don't want it in my life now.

Still pretty stressed out about the two-person trick for class tomorrow. Can't think of anything. Here's another Holga shot, this one has the red flare in the corner. (And the right side is washed out. I upped the contrast to pull the image up some.)

Bicycle-Holga shot/L. Herlevi 2013

oh

Well, cast list is out. I get to play a lesbian love scene (not originally written that way.) Hmmm. More outta of comfort zone stuff, and a helluva lotta trust. I didn't see that one coming. There is a theme this quarter. I'm gonna work my ass off for that scholarship now. (Maybe I sucked in the read-through, kinda' disappointed, not because of the lesbian thing, just don't really like that scene. Will have to learn to like it. Maybe it reads better as two women, and there is a male love scene earlier, and there are more women in the cast. There is a kinda logic to it.)  In the Vagina Monologues, aside from the orgasm scene that we all did, I was also cast as a lesbian, (in college theatre class, as well.) I just don't want to get type-cast. I suppose as far as trust goes, that would apply to making out with anyone you're cast with, again, not an uncommon thing to be asked to do.

Waiting

Well, guess my Holga really is toast. I think only a couple of pictures on two rolls of film came through without a flare. Such a shame. My regular camera has flare issues as well. The only one that doesn't is the Yashica I damaged the mirror on, maybe it can be fixed. 

Holga shot/L Herlevi 2013

Left the house at 10:30 this morning to run an errand and then go meet a friend, then ran other errands which involved more waiting (for the film scanning to be done), so just getting home now. It's pretty warm out. For the last few hours, all I wanted to do was get home and look at the neg scans. Constant sound of sirens all day, there's more now. My friend mentioned that instructor is probably calling me out on the things because once you've been teaching for a while, you can see what each student needs to work on. She's a teacher, too. After talking to her, I also convinced myself that if I ever do get in another relationship, there really can't be any substance (maybe a little drinking) use, I'm just too co-dependent to be healthy there. Would be destructive for me, as I'm just starting to take care of me, and figuring out what I want. I've spent most of my life taking care of other people emotionally, I just can't carry the weight anymore. I don't really want to (it was killing me. I was just numb and empty for years. And I'm not now, and I don't want to go back.) Plus, when I'm with someone, I want them to be with me. To be present, especially if that time is limited.  This might mean that I stay single.

Now I'm waiting to see if the casting for the September show has been posted yet. And I need to contact someone from the clown class regarding what we have to do for Sunday, we have to do a partner routine, without rehearsing. I'll have to look into the scholarship audition material, too. See what I need to get prepared. It's a group audition, the only thing we do alone is a monologue. Gonna go check that email now. Ciao.

Nope, no casting. But the other class agreed to buy something. Kinda' a fun email thread. Maybe I'll go out again and get ice cream while I wait. Was gonna mow the weeds, but it's too hot, still.

Only twelve hours left

I'm not quite sure who my clown is yet. We only have 12 more hours of class, I hope I figure it out a bit more. If you are a relative of mine, you should probably stop reading now, the following is not an image I want in your brain.

In addition to the dancing and singing on the spot, I tend to be getting the suggesting/direction: "be sad (or some other emotion), orgasmically (at a high energy level-standing up)." In another class I had a while ago, I got (interact with scene partner with this knowledge), "You're not wearing underwear." "You just had sex." Um okay. I'll do it, but why??? (And don't freak out, I don't think it's sexual harrassment, it's part of life. I think I've had a tendency to maybe be a little prudish, and so it's sorta' funny for me to get this.) The irony is that when I did the Vagina Monologues a few years back, the entire cast had to fake orgasms on stage for one scene.  It's in the script, and usually one person does all of them herself, but in the production I was in, the director decided everyone in the cast would do one as they were called out. It freaked me out at the time, I didn't want to, nor even know how to do it (I had never faked an orgasm before, and I was embarrassed to do it), and granted it was to a much larger audience, and I didn't know most of them. I've only had to do it in this class in front of seven people. 

Making myself do all of this is good for me, it definitely pushes (far) beyond the boundaries of my comfort zone...which is interesting. It's like a little voice is whispering in his ear..."she's terrified of this, make her do it." It's not just faking an orgasm, it's the singing and dancing as well (not the three together-I'll admit it, I don't have the singing voice I would have chosen, but after the earlier part of the year, I am thrilled to be able to sing in any voice with any volume, in relative tune and without pain, and I'm not a graceful dancer, which is not to say I'm not an interesting dancer.  And I'm getting more comfortable with sharing both of those. And you know, you DON'T have to be freakin' "perfect" first, for anything. It's probably more engaging for the average audience if you're not. They get an in, they can relate.) Those came up again tonight. This is all bubbling up out of somewhere. Maybe it will improve my choir singing, and I hope it improves my acting (the access to all of this.) My throat's a bit raw from singing loud, but it doesn't "hurt" like it did in the winter and spring. I have a teeth cleaning next week, hopefully that won't set off the pain again. It was probably coincidence, but it makes me wary. (The pain originally developed after a dental appointment.)

My energy was super low today (0-6, it was probably at 1/2.) It might be because I didn't do much earlier in the day, I went for a walk to the grocery store, and that was about the extent of it. I tried to listen to dance music, but it didn't help. Went outside and sat on the steps and Spot flew over to a wire above and in front of me, faced me, and started making a series of the low clucking noises they make by pulling the sound out from deep in the back of their heads, with their beaks held down and ajar. I think he was singing to me. I think he was trying to cheer me up, it was kinda' sweet. He did that for a few minutes and then flew away and I went back inside and watched a Rowan Atkinson sketch about "how to date" on youtube, which cheered me up some, but didn't get my energy level much higher. He certainly has moments of physical genius. These are separate from Mr. Bean, they were live skits. I'm trying to find old (physical humor) sketches, but mostly I find "roasting" bits, or impersonations, which are great, but I'm looking for body and facial stuff. Maybe I should just watch old cartoons...it's what I think of when I think "clown" now.

I think having my boundaries of "what is acceptable" stretched, is great. I said I wanted access to all of me for this work (theatre) and that's what I'm getting. Still safe to do it (even if a long series of cuss words continually fall out with my breath each time I hear what's next.) Can't believe I'm publishing this.

Crap! I'm hungry and these crackers are stale. (Word of the day would probably be "think.")

Love for S de C

My heart goes out to all those in Santiago de Compostela to the families and loved ones and strangers that rushed into help, once again demostrating humanity's better angels through acts of bravery and love.  So sad, what was to be a time of celebration is now a time of mourning. My heart is always partly there, but ever more so now.

Crud

Woke up haunted by idea that I'm holding back too much. Was it just the joke incident or did he mean "in general" that I'm not risking enough? Not committing to the moment ever? I feel like I am sometimes, like I've given more than I knew that I could. I know there were moments I got lost and wasn't present, but there are times I feel I am risking and failing. He said it was too safe, that I didn't fail because I wasn't risking enough. Ugh, I need to ask him.

Again, one of the reasons I took this class (and the Movement class) was to get more into the physical aspect of acting, and outta my head. And sometimes I feel like I'm making progress, but if that's not coming across, then non-committment is a different type of failure, a bad kind. It's the kind that says you don't give enough of a damn to try, to give it your all...and if that's the case, why bother? If I say I want this, then what am I holding back for? And how do I let go of that and drop into it fully, fully present and fully committed?  What am I afraid of? It's probably the safest of places to fail
magnificently.


(It was a specific and not a general comment, which is a relief.)

After 11 pm, still warm out

There is a slight breeze, it rustles the leaves of the pin oaks as I walk past, sounding like running water. I can barely feel it touch my skin, but the sound somehow makes me feel a little cooler. The moon is rising, less than full now, bright, but not so much that I can't see the stars. Not a cloud in the sky.

Happy. Not elated, just happy. That's how I felt at the end of tonight. Perhaps glad to be done with my turn, perhaps in the shared experience of failing. It was universally painful, but we all got up and did it anyway.  I am attempting to deliver what I am asked, and it is often more than I knew I was capable of giving. Still, I need to live more at the higher levels of energy...it's the stoicism again, and thinking too much. I ended up having to use almost every joke I had looked up, none done particularly well, they all flopped...still, I am happy. I hope I am truthful, if not as joyfully playful as others can be.

I'm tired and dirty and hungry. The busses were crowded. There was a baseball game that let out around the same time, though I only had to stand for about 1/3 of the way.  Four more clown sessions. The other class begins tomorrow night.

number 4 maybe

(In Portugal) So M, the Canadian, decides he will walk with me, a couple days after the bathroom incident. I've been having trouble with my feet (and I'm cranky all day-he does eventually tell me he prefers to walk alone)...I will figure out at about day 7 or 8 that in addition to walking on cobblestone and in ditches, it's that the orthodics don't fit my boots, but that's not today.

A few hours into the walking, it's a Saturday, lots of people harvesting grapes, tractors everywhere, etc, we stop so I can re-tape my feet. This black puppy comes running over from a nearby house and starts jumping up on where we are sitting, on us, and rolling in the tape I'm trying to put on my foot. It's woman eventually calls it home, but when she disappears, and we are about to start walking again, it returns with a friend, a tiny dog. They start walking with us. M gets ahead of me and the dogs stay with me, running along at my feet and looking up at me all cheerful. We go through forest, into another village, and I try to stop and yell at them to go home. They don't listen to me. We continue on for a couple more miles. They look thirsty, seem to be getting tired. I stop and try to yell at them again. No luck. We carry on. Cross a highway. Enter a vineyard with tractor traffic. I begin to worry about how they are going to get home. I fantasize about how I can get them home. I haven't a clue of the name of the place where I picked them up, plus I can't speak Portuguese much. I imagine having to call a taxi and load them in and paying the man in hopes he returns them. I imagine, I'll have to go along and not have enough money to get myself back and will have to walk this whole distance again. I see M in the distance. Laughing. Filming the whole thing. He shows it to me later. I look mean, and the dogs are nipping at my feet, happily. (I know I was thinking, "If I don't pay attention to them, if I act like I don't want them around, maybe they will leave." But it's no good. They like me, and they are out for an adventure.) M finally screams at them enough that they turn around and trot off in the opposite direction. I keep looking back to see if they are following, hoping they don't get hit by a car. They were freakin' adorable. And I love that they showed up on the day of my worst mood. M threatened to write stories about both the dog and the bathroom.

Off to find some jokes now. Crap. Haven't found any that I think are particularly funny. Maybe it's in the delivery. Maybe I'll have to go with my doctor's joke.

Three more hours and I still need to write the other thing.

Tuesday

Need to come up with some jokes, among other things. I mentioned it to my doctor yesterday and she told me a semi-naughty joke, which is funny mostly in the context of how it was given, and that she heard it from elderly woman. I might have to use it. I'm getting a lot out of this class, but even if nothing else, I'm getting out more weird vocalizations, and gut-busting laughter (out of me) which I don't think I've had nearly enough of in my life. I laugh just thinking about the class, unintentionally funny moments (which, of course, is what's funny). Strong possibility of bombing with the jokes tonight, and then my life will be over, (do you think if you use words like that, the NSA takes interest in your blog...it would be dumb, I almost edited it out, but it's the word that I want to use.) Or at least I will be mightily humbled and there is always the chance of crying. (Incidently, do you know how difficult it is to sing backwards on the fly and keep eye contact?  You really do just end up having to make it up. I could write it out, but then it wouldn't be funny. It's the public struggle, the (attempt at) solving a problem that's funny.) I've thrown a few articles into the sentences today.

Not much interesting yesterday. Had an awful blood draw, my arm looks scary, not sure how the man made those marks, I had my eyes shut tight as he was digging around. It looks like I have three bite marks on my arm. Ugh. Took a ferry ride, ate lavender ice cream and discovered a really cool museum-thought I'd be a tourist since I'm on vacation. On the way home, came across a man busking on the waterfront with a full-sized white goat standing next to him. I'm not sure if they were together, or if the goat was just trying to get out of the sun. I wanted a closer look, (or a picture, really) but didn't have any cash or change to toss into his guitar case, so I didn't. Maybe you get more tips if the goat is there, or it chases people? Don't know.

Thrilling

that would be the adjective I would use to describe this work. You just don't know from moment to moment how things will turn out. You cannot control it.  I can only say that commitment matters. Presence matters. Reaction in the moment matters.  All as in theatre, only sometimes more so. For whatever reason, it went well today, so I'm elated. But it might not next time. But...I want to be in the ring. I want to learn to show up completely.

Notes for self: I've got a deadpan face. It doesn't matter why, and I'm sure I could come up with a laundry list...point is, I need to register big emotions in my face (in body too, but I think that might follow automatically) so the stoicism needs to break. It's not serving me in this arena. And again from before, I need to figure out why even when I think I'm making contact with the audience, it's not registering with them. How do I make myself more receivable? Oh, and I need to let myself receive the "reward." That follows with what I wrote earlier about "impulse."

Aside from that, it's a gorgeous afternoon. Perfect heat-level for me (mid-70's with heat reflecting back off of the pavement), sun dropping low, air glowing in the "candy-aquarmarine" colors, slightest of breezes, and I'm itching to go out and do something. But I'm really hungry, so I will cook instead. Peace.

Oh, and one more thing: I sang loud and pretty badly for everyone, and I so wanted to get out what I had in me, all self-consciousness disappeared. Interesting, and progress.  I don't know if I've ever experienced that before.

Sunday, week two begins

It's tough being human. You feel like you make so much progress in changing, and then wake up to realize you've slid back down. Great respect for the courage to begin, as many times as that has to happen, to get out of the places we are stuck, that don't work, where we feel "comfortable" or resigned, but not necessarily happy. And even greater thanks for the inspiration of those who break through, those who might not have broken through but continue to try, and those who have decided to stand at the wall and acknowledge it's there.  It relates to clown, I suppose, but I was re-reading something someone wrote me on my birthday, and thinking about life trials in general, and the courage it takes sometimes to let yourself change, to let yourself be open.

As for me, in some areas I'm hitting the wall hard, and in others, I can barely make myself look at it, but I know it's there.

Addendum to thrift store trek

1) bloomers are bloody difficult to find; would be easy enough to make with old sheets and a sewing machine...I have neither, and I'm not feeling crafty.  Apparently, I'm not the only one looking... no one thought it was an odd request.

2) found some orange-ruffled-homemade shorts/panties/swimsuit thing...I don't know. They fit, I bought them. Should probably wash them. They have a zipper, must be shorts. Probably still need tights.

3) trying on random tutus and other things made out of crinoline is scratchy but fun. I've been wanting to find an excuse to wear one. The other closest thing to bloomers I could find were long-narrow legged nylon slip things...they look like ugly basketball shorts. Bought a pair of those, too, just in case I decide I can't wear the orange thing. (This is all for under the short floral skirt. Then even though I don't think my clown wears black, might have to wear the black/white tights. I didn't find the colors I liked better as full tights.)

There is a baby crow right outside my window cawing loudly for food. Need to  go pick up a hold at the library, remembered when I was almost home again. Not sure I want to make the third trip down there today. I should just let it expire. I've found other ways to work through this stuff, and it's hot out. Might be a good idea to shower after the clothing outing...and maybe time for the cold soup I lugged home earlier. Hungry, as always. Just like the baby crow.

Ah, Seattle, how I love thee...listening to Audioasis on KEXP. (kexp.org) Still feel lucky to live here.

On a sunny Saturday-getting domestic

Attempted to go to a drawing workshop, but futzed around the house waiting for the bathroom and cleaning the kitchen, and then wandered around the farmer's market for so long, that it was really too late to get there by bus, so I lugged everything home. (Note to self: just because it fits in the bag, doesn't mean it will be easy to carry the 30 blocks home-like buying a pumpkin, or a gallon of milk. Or as is the case: a jar of pickles, vinegar, frozen soup, non-frozen soup, and stone fruit...maybe something else, it was heavy, plus I had my other bag because I thought I was going to the workshop.) Now, plan b for the day is to go find bloomers or something to wear under the skirt for the clown thing. Practice articulation, of movement.

I woke up and stressed out not remembering it was Saturday, that I don't have to be anywhere, and that I am on vacation.

Now it's almost 2 pm and I still haven't gone to the thrift store(s), as I've gotten side-tracked by 1) eating fruit (what?!!)-they were mostly berries, got squashed walking home, had to be done; 2) going to the grocery store for additional things I didn't pick-up at the market; and 3) attempting to clean kitchen more and discover source of minor fruit fly gathering...did you know that kiwi fruit will eat through aluminum? Fascinating.  All gone now.

And so should I be. For real.

Moment three

Walking home across the park, toward the lowering sun, light illuminating columns of flying insects, feet crunching through dry leaves, air smelling of wood smoke, it occurred to me that this is the closest I'll get to camping this year.  An enjoyable moment, none-the-less.

This will be three, I think. It's not one particular moment, it's that I've been meeting a lot of doppelgangers lately, you know, dead ringers for people I know. I'll start talking with them thinking that I know them, and they'll talk to me as if they know me and then mid-way through the conversation I'll realize they are not who I thought they were, but don't admit it. And they are possibly being polite, possibly too embarrassed to admit that they might have met me but have forgotten my name. And so in this manner we carry on. It's weird because the conversation will usually be something personal. I think it's a fear of being perceived as rude, or trying to save face that keeps either of us from admitting that we've never actually met before.  It's awkward, yet amusing.

Sorry, I'm not feeling much clarity today. I am on vacation for the next nine days, from work that is, this is the first of the 22-hour school weeks, and I need to catch up on more life stuff. It's been about a year since I've taken a week off. Went and watered the garden earlier tonight. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I might actually get tomatoes this year. I never do. Been trying for years. They either have been undernourished, or the weather's been too cool, or the rats bit into them first, or they got late blight. They are doing well right now. (Hopefully, I don't lose the garden for it's over weediness this summer.) Fingers crossed on that one, too.

A Midsummer Night's Dream is on the radio. I still see my friends from college performing it when I read or hear it, in spite of the fact that I've seen it so many times since. Makes me smile (though not my favorite Shakespeare play, probably because I've seen it so much. And it's really long.)

Failing

Which is the point, but it sucks anyway. Completely bombed, not any laugh. This was the moment I had been dreading, had to face it. In some ways it's worse, because I'm not sure what I learned from failing, except that I sucked. In other ways not as bad, there was a lot of compassion there. Or empathy. Cried a bit (walking to the bus, not in the room.) Crying a little now. What if I don't learn anything, and have to endure six more hours of feeling this shitty? There are 24 hours more of class, this was the end of week one, but we cover other stuff in at least 2 1/2-3 hours of each class.  It's tough when it's just you, no props, being told "be funny." But I'll endure it. I'm not quitting. Even if I have to endure the humiliation of never finding "funny," there's something going on in the room that's beautiful and worth experiencing.

There was a notable shift in intimacy between beginning of class and the end today. The other class begins this coming week. It involves a performance, as a learning experience. I don't believe we are expected to suddenly be brilliant, and that is somewhat of a relief. Clown stories tomorrow. I want to sleep. I'm tired. I need to shower, but the bathroom is occupied, and it will be gross by the time I get to use it. He always leaves every surface dirty and flooded in water, I'm not sure how.  (It does no good to ask him to do otherwise. And I'm too spent to want to clean it up now.) Sigh.

Day 3

Well, I don't have either the shoes or head-thing I want, but I did a Goodwill run last night to try on clothes, so I have ideas. They only let you try on five things at a time, because there are only two dressing rooms, but eventually, after my third or fourth time in there and my trying on layers of shirts in front of the mirror, they let me take more than five things in. (I ran into someone I knew there, too, which was funny: I rarely see people I know in clothing stores. We were both using the mirror at the same time.  She was trying on clothes that matched...I was deliberately not.) I told them I was trying to come up with a costume. I think I'll need to make it more absurd, it's probably too cute at this point.

This morning I was listening to this podcast and this man mentioned that falling in love was like being on cocaine, and if you jump into relationships too quickly you can often end up with someone you're not really life-compatible with because of the initial high before you got to know much about each other. Like when you share an intense experience with someone and mistake that for love...it's slightly pessimistic, maybe it is real and you are compatible, but I think it was in answer to people wondering why their relationships don't work out, and that was one (of many) reasons. They were (specifically) talking about online dating, and how the initial "meet in person" dates should be short, like 20 minutes. (And also how the email contact should not drag out so that you don't start building up fantasies about who someone is. They were saying no more than 5 emails back and forth.)

Why do I bring this up? Well I heard it right before I left the house, and I'm definitely in that addictive place still, but I think I can shove it over and meet other people and get to actually know them on a healthier level and develop deeper friendships that'll be better over time. And if I fall in love with someone else, all the better. I was also thinking that maybe addictions are places where our energy (or life force, if you will) just gets stuck in a whirlpool and can't break free. Obsession certainly seems to dwell there.

There is a light that's flashing and clicking in my face like a mad beacon. I called it in yesterday, but who knows when it will be replaced. It makes my eyes tired, I have to look toward it all day. It's too dark in here to turn the lights off:) Actually, I did turn them off. I will keep them off until it gets fixed or someone complains, although, no one else has to sit here and watch it all day. I was feeling slightly whiny about being cold and then I remembered that I actually have a whole bag of clothes that I could layer and stopped.

I'm leaning heavily to "yes." I'll just be broke for the year, nothing new there. 99%. 1% working up the balls to ask about leaving early from work for 9 months.

Several comments that the lighting scheme is "romantic." Just for myself, I'm the only one in this space, lol.

Moment 2 or something

Trying to get used to wearing my glasses again. It feels like I'm wearing a fence on my face, bothering me more than in January when I got them. The prescription is off just a bit, will need to get it checked (has been off since I got them, but better than not wearing them, I suppose.)

So, I had just finished lunch at one of the last places to eat for the day (Spain) and I walked outside and saw a man sitting with two other men I had met previously. I went over to him and asked him if we had met before (yes it does sound like a silly pick-up line), as he looked like someone I had talked to about a month earlier after my first day of walking (in a place called Zubiri.) He said he'd never heard of it but followed up with a line better than mine. They got up to leave and he invited me to walk with them, which eventually just turned into he and I. You know, I kinda' liked him. I also like talking to animals (along with trees) and started talking to some horses near a fence. I still don't know what happened, but as I was petting a horse's face, suddenly there was a noise and I was covered in muddy horse snot (I think). I wiped it off somehow, at least off of my face. I think he handed me a tissue or my water bottle or something. Completely disgusting. But he continued to walk with me, and we eventually met the other guys at a shop where there was a sink and I scrubbed off more of it. He must've not been completely grossed out by it, we hung out until we both left a couple days later.

Oh, well, yikes! It looks like the scholarship is going to involve an audition process:(

And my, aren't those American spambots out in force today. Again, what a waste of energy. Seriously, you have a limited amount of time to exist and that's what you choose to do with it? Really? Pathetic.

Late home, the ground is wet, the air, ozony

Dirty and exhausted, but in a better mood than when I walked into the studio earlier in the evening.  Nice side effect is that my thigh doesn't have quite the giant knot in it anymore. We have to bring (clown) clothes on Thursday, I just don't know. I have a feeling about my walk, but if I changed it even a bit, it'd be a man, and that might be interesting, too. I need to tone it down, I can't actually see and walk this way, plus I think I'll end up with whiplash. And if I tone it down, that might change the clothes...dilemnas.

I was actually psyched to do my walk. When I was younger, until my mid-twenties, people were always commenting on the way I walked, that it was wrong, stood out in a not-so-good way. My mom says that I didn't learn how to walk until pretty late, and when I did, I walked on my toes (I also spoke in a british accent, who knows where that came from.) I had an aunt that called me twinkle toes, which I think was meant to mock me, and not used as a term of endearment. Anyway, at some point in my twenties, I said "fuck it!" and stopped paying attention, so of course, no one notices, or at least no one comments anymore. A childhood friend had actually told me that if I didn't look down at my feet so much, people may not notice, and you know, she was probably right. But I was shy, so I looked down a lot. (Shrug.) Also, my legs turn out in a permanent second position.

Anyway, I really wanted to blow it up. It was also kinda' fun that I had the limp from the sore quad in one leg. It's pretty ridiculous. George kept trying to get me to laugh, said it was more engaging when I did...how can I laugh continuously and not seem fake? He brought that up when we were "slapping" each other as well, to belly laugh instead of scream...so, I guess that's something I need to look into.

I think I mentioned that the movement class I took in the winter changed the way I walked and changed my center of gravity (which was my initial reason to take it, that and to get out of my head and into my body. My center of gravity was really high before.) I started rolling through my feet, not really sure what I did before, I still have to consciously think about it. Kinda' like the singing class extracted a vibrato I didn't know I had. I can't remember how to get back to it, as I took a long break from singing.

The interview for the 9-month intensive was tonight. Half of the answer is "yes." The ball is in my court. If I do it, I give up having a life for nine more months, but I'll have the tools inside me to move foward for whatever comes next. If I don't do it, I'll still take classes, but not at the same intensity, which I think I need at this stage. I need to figure out the money end of it and the leaving work early once-a-week for nine months. But I love doing this. I love doing this. (I may temporarily hate it on Thursday, but I love doing this.)

I think it's safe for me to let go for real now, and let myself love someone else.

Almost noon

Got six more minutes to enjoy my coffee (or nine, if my computer is to be believed.) I am going to try to come up with a "clown moment" every day while the class runs.

Once when I was travelling (meaning trekking), I was so tired and sore, I agreed to stay in what was essentially a storage closet with a couch in it. It was 5 euros, but there wasn't a bathroom. The man assured me I could use the bathroom/shower in the kitchen of the restaurant in front until it closed, sometime around midnight, and he gave me the keys. So, when it's warm out and you are hiking, it's good to drink a lot of water, and I had had heat exhaustion in the past, so tried to be conscious of it. So, I waited 'til close to closing to use the bathroom, so I wouldn't have to in the middle of the night. Problem was, the family also lived in the back and had locked the gate between the "compound" and the restaurant for the night, and as it also turned out, none of the keys they gave me worked on that. The Canadian man who was staying in the real room had said I could use his bathroom if I needed to, I had been hoping to avoid it. He left the key in the door, so I went in quietly (apparently followed by a cat) and snuck into the bathroom so as not to wake him up. It was hot and muggy in there. He was sleeping in the bed nearest the bathroom (so, I shut the door, I would have anyway). So, I try to leave, and I can't. The handle is broken on the inside. I considered staying in there but it was too hot. So I banged on the door to wake him up. He wakes up, lets me out, laughing (thankfully.) I shut his door and go to sleep in the closet.

In the morning, I wake up late and he's shouting to me from a window. The cat had gotten locked in and started crying to be let out, at which point he realized somehow I had locked he and the cat in the room. A couple days later I got trapped in another bathroom, but somehow managed to get the door to open eventually.  I have a slight fear of door locks now, especially to bathrooms. (And now that I think about it, last time I lived on Capitol Hill, my housemate got trapped in our attic bathroom on a Friday afternoon when no one was home. He said he screamed out the window for a long time, eventually the neighbors came out and laughed at him. I think he finally crawled out on the ledge and inched over to an open window-so it happens here, too.) This Canadian man features in my dog story, too (which he filmed, before successfully chasing them off.)

Monday, still happy

And feeling very even keeled. Have a fear in the back of my mind that it's somehow hormonal and I'm gonna crash (although that hasn't happened since I was a teenager.) It's only the one leg that's super sore, and I'm wearing heels, because the weather report this morning said "hot" and so I wanted to wear a dress...point being, it's hard to walk down stairs. (Though, I imagine it's amusing to watch....Ooh! I thought of another clown moment: Dance party in college, couldn't not really walk stairs for days after. I had fun, but lets face it, I dance like an idiot. I think I pulled just about every muscle in my body. I have a lot of very physical "clown moments," I tend to walk into things a lot.) Yesterday, in a more coordinated manner, realized I actually can drop to lying on the floor from standing without hurting myself, not sure how I did it, but kinda' excited about it.

As far as the outside world goes, it's been a pretty horrific news week, still trying to digest it all. In general, I'm appalled. As a species, we seem to be losing our humanity at a quickening pace. Where is a sense of altruism in this divisive world? We seem to be widening the gap of "us" vs. "them." Whomever either of those happen to be, where "us" get all the privilege and "them" get the short end of the stick, or whatever is left over. Do we even see each other as fellow humans on the journey anymore? If there is a God and you have to answer for how you treated others, what will you say? I don't necessarily believe in a judgmental God, or karma carried from one life to the next, but a lot of people do, and they hold others to that judgment and use that to justify their own mistreatment of them. Although, perhaps most people are hedging their bets that they will never have to answer for anything.  They don't seem to have to answer much here.

Devouring tacos

while I  write this. My physical energy level (on a scale of 0-7) would be about a "2," at least, on the last ten blocks home. I walked the last mile or so because I'm so sore that I wanted to try to work some of the lactic acid out of my legs. It'll be worse on Tuesday, which is when I have to go back to class. It's four hours of physical work. The bottoms of my feet are black from the floor, plus at one point I was rolling around on it, so I really need to shower and not just fall over and go to sleep.

Happy. I feel good. I've been pretty centered all weekend for whatever reason (but I'll take it) and that might have helped. It was a nice easing into the work as well, and all the other students seem pretty cool. He seems fair. I know it will get tougher, in fact he said it will get deeper by the third class (Thursday). He mentioned the need to hit the wall again and again until you break through it. I'll have to figure out what that is for me still. I thought I knew at one point, but am not so sure now. Comedy or funny is in the failure and the common experience, or to quote Woody Allen: "Comedy is tragedy plus time."

Realization, about twelve blocks from home: as far as impulse goes, I have them and don't follow through either because I'm 1) being polite; 2) trying not to step on anyone else's toes; or 3) holding back from what I really want for fear of being seen as being too pushy (even when I've known I've earned something, I don't take it.) Lifelong pattern. Would like to break it. I not only sell myself short, I also sell the "sparring" partner short by not giving them my all and not having them push to their limits as well. Sure, there is a time for holding back, but that's not ALL the time.

Attended a travel blessing (for other people) on my way home. I love the idea of being blessed, being accompanied at the onset of a journey. The last time I went on pilgrimage, I received a blessing around day 10 or something, right before that leg of my trip ended. I wasn't expecting it at that point and I was the only pilgrim. We were the two hospitaleros, some people from town, the lone priest and me. I'm sure that I cried, I felt really loved (by strangers, no less.) Anyway, these people, mostly teenagers, are leaving for Africa tomorrow to work at a school and to learn about the culture.

"Be Safe and Well
Peace, Love, Courage"

Traditional farewell (Egyptian, I think) for those leaving on a pilgrimage. May it be life-changing in a good way.

Sometimes the only thing you can do to counteract all the hate, is to put more love into the world, and to continue to work for the betterment of all. It's not by mistake that we are here. Wake up, become who you are meant to be.

The day has arrived

wish me luck.

Saturday-last day off for a while

Feeling remarkably centered. I want to do this Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to release emotional blocks (which I know are lurking) but even when I come up with ones out of my head, I don't currently feel any emotional attachment to them. Maybe later. I guess I could also describe this as feeling "blank." Not a bad thing, I guess. I am a blank slate. I suppose that might change tomorrow. Four hours. I just have no idea what to expect, which fuels the apprehension. Well, and all the rumors. I want to be a better actress, and whatever can help me get there, to access tools that would be helpful, is useful, though I don't want to be abused. I suppose that's my fear, but even that isn't really moving me much right now. It's more intellectual, a rememberence of how I've felt, and I need to generate an emotional response to do the EFT work. I only have access to the workshop for a few more hours. I'll have to write down as much as I can, work on it on my own tomorrow.

Went to a park with a friend last night (whom I haven't seen in a couple of months and probably won't see for a couple more.) We watched freight trains pass by and went on a short hike. It woulda' been longer, but it suddenly got dark in the trees even though the sun hadn't set yet, and we didn't have a flashlight. I told him that the new growth on Douglas fir trees was edible, so he tried it, said it was sweet. It is edible, though I don't remember if I've ever actually eaten it, I didn't actually expect that he would.

This year has been like swimming underwater, I am enjoying the new environment with those who are with me, but am rarely coming up for air and light. And somehow trying to remain in contact with all the people above the surface, whom I still love and want in my life. All the water between us distorts sight and cuts out sound, and the energy spent in the swim, makes it more difficult to keep in touch. I still need a lot of time to myself.

Caw!

Woke up to a single loud caw outside my window. With my eyes still closed, I lay there thinking, "Why is there a crow cawing at 3 am?" Finally opened an eye to see that it was light out. Looked over at the clock and it was almost 6 am. So, thank you Spot, for waking me up.

I don't know who put the idea in my head that taking the clown class would be a great idea. Must've been a conversation from over the winter quarter. I know that I came into spring break with the idea that I really wanted to take it, to study with George Lewis. I remember asking someone that also taught at the school if they thought the class would be offered again, and she thought "no" because he no longer had a home here. I did know that if given the opportunity to take it, I would make it happen. A few weeks later, I asked someone else, and she said,"yes" but as an intensive, and the day that it showed up on the schedule, I signed up. And then I heard scary stories about it. But a couple of years ago I met a woman (a classmate) who loved it, and she thought I should take it. I wasn't really interested then and I put it out of my head, thinking I could do it later. She said you'd love it or hate it...I'm aiming to love it, even if that's in retrospect. Anyway, that starts Sunday. I'm excited and scared. Only 36 hours of class:) (over three weeks.) At any rate, I've dedicated this year to transform what's not working for me in my life, or how I stand in my own way-and for the record, when you decide that, a whole lotta' shit comes up.

From instructor: "Comfortable clothes to move in, drinking water...an apple for the teacher...their courage strong like a lion, their heats tender as a lamb. Tenderloin of lamb. Yum!"  Assuming, that's a typo and it's meant to read "hearts." Yikes. Is this the next closest thing to boot camp?

Duh!

Epiphany 1 (probably obvious): if you (I) say you (I) love someone, what exactly does that look like, how would that be expressed? And if you are not sure, just imagine what that would be (not them loving you, only you loving them. You have no control over what they do, think, or feel.) Then, act as if you already do love them as they are right now, not for who you want them to be or act, or whatever, but for who is standing there in front of you (any kind of love: family, romantic, friendship, whatever.)

Epiphany 2: apply that to self. Act as if you (or I) already do love self as you are right now, faults and all. (Obvious, don't beat self up either emotionally, for not being perfect, or physically, by not taking care of self.)

Sorry, a little heavy. Coming out of all the meditation and personal work with the elephant(s) and other things. Forgive myself for effing it up, and try to not do that next time:)

And with that, good night. (Maybe easier said than done, but it was definitely an "ah ha!" moment.) It is a shift in focus.

I apologize for the jumbled-ness of the writing lately.

Thursday-lo siento

Deleted previous post, really was rambling on about nothing. I just heard the smallest bit of choral singing coming out of the stairwell, made me think of S. African choirs. Sounded wonderful, wish there were more.

Since I stopped, for the most part, drinking coffee after 12 noon, my consumption has gone way down. I'm also beginning to be able to sing again, haven't attempted to sing more than a couple of songs, but the pain isn't there with that. It's not healed, but it's getting better. The range is getting back to what it was before. (42 spam hits and counting. I report it, they change domains, it starts up again.)

Since I'm now allowing myself to like some things more than others, this morning I was mentioning to the (orange-giving) barista that the best cup of coffee I ever had was in the old section of the Heathrow airport last summer. I had a bit of a wait for my connecting flight to Helsinki, and there didn't seem to be any food courts or stores in that part of the terminal. There was this one coffee cart that had a convenience store feel about it, in the hall. I really wanted a cup of coffee, so I ordered a mocha. Walked back to my waiting room area, (it was an actual room, I don't think you could leave once you went in) and began drinking my coffee and trying to clean up a bit with those hand-wipe things (a lot of people were doing that, there wasn't access to a restroom. I'd been travelling for almost a day by that point.) I kept hoping we wouldn't board soon and I wouldn't have to dump it out. Maybe it was the fact that my expectation was low, but it was fantastic: chocolate was a little bit bitter, don't know what he used.

The worst cup of coffee was at a hotel breakfast in Strausborg, France. It tasted like they had burnt it in a metal pot over high heat. I actually tried to hide my first cup and get some from a different pot, but of course, that wasn't any better. It's too bad, I had high expectations for it. (It's France!) Although now I recall my high school French teacher saying you could either get good espresso, or really bad drip coffee in France. When I finally found an open café (it was the off-season), I had a decent cup of coffee in Lourdes. (Sadly, I mostly ate at Burger King there, because it was open, and crowded with French teenagers. I hadn't planned on being in France, and so I didn't know how anything worked; missed out on good French cooking.)

Speaking of French things, three more days. (Word of the day, "since.")

Returning from lunch I was overtaken by a stampede of children, one of whom, upon passing by me, said, "It's like being in a herd." Yup.

Oh, Russian spammers, please find something better to do. 63.

A couple better photos

Here are some birch trees I passed by on the very long and scenic route home today. I needed some wildlife and forest time. It took me more than two hours to get home this way. (These are taken with the old, point-and-shoot digital camera.)

Birch trees, late afternoon/L. Herlevi 2013

And a mama mallard and very tall baby that walked up out of the canal and came up to me. I think something might have been wrong with the female, she was making squeaky noises at me and her feathers were kinda' a mess, like something had gotten on them. It used to be a landfill, so it's a little toxic, still. She walked the baby to the ditch on the other side of the road, it went into the water, but she remained standing in the road.


Ducks/L. Herlevi 2013

Ducks/L Herlevi 2013

addendum

I went to a coffee shop on my way to the bus stop. Mentioned I woke up with a facial tic, man behind me in line and man sitting at table near the counter chimed in about muscle twitches, between the two of them, they recalled a doctor had suggested eating oranges would be good. So, when I was leaving, the barista handed me an orange to see if it would help. I bring it up here because it was really sweet.

Well, four hours later, still have the twitch, but I appreciate the gesture anyway.

I find that I have a habit of using some word over and over again in my posts. This one now edited to lessen my use of the word "mention." Word of the week seems to be "now."

overactive alarm in my head

No ants so far this morning, but perhaps they sleep at night, when the walls are not so hot. I didn't mean to imply that if I did something wrong, I don't need to make ammends or take responsibility for it (that would work both ways, of course), only that I can't keep second-guessing myself. And I can't go around apologizing for every perceived slight on my own part (by me.) It's so codependant.  At any rate, I did apologize; what he did, wasn't a huge deal, but he passed the buck anyway (and I think we both know that.) I've let it slide because he has a lot of qualities I like, though if it's a regular behavior, it shows a lack of sensitivity and I need to walk away if that's something I want. I don't know that it is (a lack), and so I haven't. Lots of people lack that (sensitivity), it's more a matter of to what extent I want that in my life. And the alarms going off in the back of my head regarding poor choices I've made in the past, (staying with people I wasn't necessarily compatible with, because I like a challenge, or don't like to be a quitter, or I wanted a boyfriend, who knows?) sometimes are sounding now because of my own history, not always because the other person deserves it. It's protective, maybe overly, maybe not. Hard to tell now. The last two relationships I was in were really destructive (to me). The first, we were incompatible (no one's fault), the second might actually be a cruel person, and the alarms ringing are a fear that if I coulda' been attracted to him, the cruel person, (the charm factor was very high in the beginning) am I doing that again with someone else? I don't think this one now is cruel, (cruelty implies deliberation; insensitivity does not, more cluelessness or insecurity, very common traits we all have) nothing in his behavior suggests that. I just don't always trust my own attractions now because of that other one. My own lack of judgement back then makes me spooked.

Shoulda' used aloe/lavendar oil (both good burn remedies, btw) last night, didn't realize I had gotten sunburned in the brief time I sat outside yesterday. My shoulders are feeling irritated. Gotta go meditate.

Uninspired

I had my windows open in the afternoon (at work) and the soft warm breezes blowing in had me itching to get outside, long before I could. Had to convince myself it was actually Tuesday and not Friday already. There's a summer vacation feeling about the world right now. Finally went outside to read in the grass after work, somewhat surprised (not sure why) by how many insects crawled over me. Continually had to flick them off. Eventually got too hot and went to find air-conditioning and tried to get some writing done. It was only in the 80's, but if you grew up here, that's pretty warm. In the place I ended up, the people in the windows kept moving into shadier areas of the room, saying it was too much sun, so it's not just me.



Frame/L Herlevi 2013

The writing was nothing exciting, but it was good to get back in the practice of it. I had a couple of story ideas that I wrote down somewhere a few months back, haven't written anything on them since. Came home to a bathroom full of ants.  Have now tried spraying the bathroom down with vinegar water (1:1). Read somewhere over the weekend that it's supposed to help, at least to kill the scent trail. Worth a try, although everything smells like vinegar now. Will go check shortly to see if it worked. Obviously, the pesticides did not.

Didn't end up submitting any photos to LongShot afterall, deadline was yesterday. I wasn't crazy about anything I had, I haven't gotten the 35 mm film developed, but when I was shooting it, nothing excited me, either. (Did come up with a couple of ideas for personal projects though, need to remember to write them down, if I haven't already.) I also got my resume reviewed by a couple of people today, so that's something. Interview is next week. (One of them did a bunch of editing on it, which is fantastic. I've never written an acting resume-nor seen one, before. I found a template online and used that.)

Legs/L Herlevi 2013

Tethered/L Herlevi 2013

These pictures are a few of the ones that I kinda' like, but didn't seem like anything to submit for a fundraiser. I'm gonna shoot a couple more rolls through the Holga to see if it's worth keeping or not. Will drop them off this weekend to get processed and scanned. I have a scanner, but I don't think I can scan negatives on it, I should check. There's a lot I need to scan. These were shot on an old point-and-shoot digital camera. (Edited and published blogs do not look the same lay-out wise.)

I had an epiphany after I got home, can't remember exactly what it was, something about being myself and to stop worrying about if he despises who I am. Not actually my problem. Something like that. It's been bothering me, and it shouldn't. It would be destructive for me to try to guess who I should be for someone to like me. Even if nobody likes me, I can't keep losing myself to be the flavor of the month. At the end of the day, I'm the one that has to live with me. (It's not really news, it's just that I've been behaving as if I didn't already know this.)

I can hear someone learning the ukelele, through the vents. I might have to take up the banjo for real, now. (Banjo is infinitely louder, but I won't play it at night.) Now off to watch Spanish cooking episodes (Made in Spain-Jose Andres) until I pass out.

Monday early-ish

So much social media writing throwing out missives hoping to be read or seen. Hoping if someone sees it, "likes" it, reads it, acknowledges it, then we have some validation. We have acknowledgment that we exist, either in general or from someone we imagine we are writing for. Hoping we are not alone in our way of thinking, acting. Hoping that whether we are or not (alone), we can still be understood, accepted. Perhaps not wanting to be the only one that knows what we know. (Not always, sometimes it's reporting on an event that needs to be known, but a lot of the time we want to be known. This isn't meant as a criticism, just as a compassionate acknowledgment. I don't think it's bad.) Great love to all of us, sending out our human feelers, trying to connect.

Still no birds singing the sun awake, though I did eventually hear a baby crow ask for food, probably from across the street. Gonna go cook something now. (For me, not for the crow, though there's always a chance it will be fed by me.)

I am still trying to let go of that one, but now I keep seeing men that look like him. I still think he's more beautiful than they are.

Happy Monday.

The one baby was SO loud! Crying and crying (lustily?) for one of the others to feed it. I was both laughing and cringing, it probably woke the whole neighborhood up, or at least my household. And then it hopped up on the neighbor's roof and stuck it's head in a pipe, don't think it cawed into that. Can you imagine waking up to that if it did?

and in walks another elephant

Room is getting crowded with another elephant. While meditating this morning I came face to face with some of my own snooty-ness. I've been kinda' aware of it, trying to work on it, overcome it. I don't really know where it comes from. I don't like it, but can't deny it. It's part of who I am right now. Is the only way to change the constant wrestling? I've done that before, with other things. A lot of other issues. Oh, crap.  Pretending it doesn't exist is useless. I'm ashamed to even write it down (and no, it doesn't have anything to do with racism, or homophobia, or xenophobia.) And it hits me as much, if not more so, than anyone else.

Anyway, I was getting ready to go to church, and then as I was leaving, I realized it was too late, again. So, I went to this other Lutheran church. There weren't very many people there, but they were all really friendly. So, the lessons and the sermon addressed the issue I was struggling with this morning, it helps a little, mostly I mention it because nothing is random, really. I'll still need to work on it, it keeps me separate from people, and I don't find that useful or something I want. And then I decided to go to the coffee hour, and thought that I'd just be a wallflower, but people invited me to sit with them and included me in their conversations, which was cool. I think there is a real gift in welcoming strangers. (I've been thinking about that a lot in the meditations: gifts, talents, what we all bring into the world. Trying not to judge mine or anyone else's as being better or worse, that all are needed. I don't have a lot of outward ones (except maybe the potential coaching thing), you'd have to know me for the most part. But I'm trying to appreciate who I am, and share them with who will accept them.) I'm trying to figure out what I have to offer, especially when other people offer things that cost money, and I never seem to have any. Been struggling with this forever. I rarely have had money.

And on an unrelated note, my skin is going through a second puberty. Need to do something nice for my liver. Artichokes shoulda' helped, and burdock root is good, but maybe not a summer remedy.

Oh, and I think I found a studio to study dance, but I'll have to wait until September. Will also depend on what happens regarding the Meisner class.

Selling books on a Saturday morning

Working up the will to go sell books. Need a certain amount of internal fortitude for the rejection, the snooty-ness of "I can't believe you think we would possibly want to buy that from you." It's worse with clothing, the disdain of what bad taste I must have. I do it sometimes, but more often, give clothes to Goodwill or some other charitable organization. Some bookstores are more willing to accept than others, but you usually sell to those by the box load, and that would require a car and an appointment.  I will do it. I need groceries. I want to go to the Farmer's Market and these are the last two Saturdays I'm free for the summer. The Saturday market is my favorite, I've been buying my food there for almost 20 years. I've been here a long time. I was graduated from college 20 years ago. Crazy.

Okay, sold books for $13, which did buy some produce, and I had an old gift card with enough left on it to get some coffee. The buyer was super nice, he didn't buy all of them (I ended up finding more books I was willing to part with, will have to do it again, but it's a start), but I think I can sell a few more to a different store. When I was picking through the cherries, I looked up and started laughing, realizing that I was surrounded by people who were as picky about fruit as I am. We were all picking up individual cherries and looking at them before tossing them in the bag. I know I won't eat it if it's really bad looking, even if I should, and I don't want to pay for it if I'm just gonna throw it out. Anyway, I have a little less stuff now, and I thought about more clothes that I am willing to part with, will do that today as well, before I change my mind. Clothes are the easiest thing for me to let go of.  But first, promised myself I would work on the resume for an hour. Gonna do that now. Let go, let go, let go.

Okay, resume draft done. Sent off to have instructor look at it, and waiting to hear back from sister regarding spoken word performance info.

Day off

Called in to take the whole day off, had originally only asked for four hours so I could go pick up the film. Have really done nothing, except go to a coffee shop and attempt to read a little more of David Copperfield, got a couple chapters in before I had to leave as the air conditioning was turned up and I was really cold. Eyeing my books now to see which ones I'd like to part with, I'd like to go buy some fruit at the farmer's market tomorrow.

Just ran out of my room to the sound of intense sobbing. I thought something horrible had happened, but it was my housemate's daughter, and I think she's okay. I would be very concerned to hear an adult sob that hard. (I'm pretty sure both my female housemates are home.)  I feel I should do something productive. Purge more stuff. At least make a run to H&M to drop of old, worn-out clothes for recycling. Been meaning to do that since January. Slowly, slowly, letting stuff go. I know I need to, it's just a matter of working up the energy to try to find something useful to do with it besides tossing it in the trash. I think it's true that you have to let go of things to allow life to flow. To allow new things to come into your life. Things are not love, no matter how much sentimentality is attached to them.

Still need to do the resume, that was my main reason for taking the day off, that and I haven't had a vacation day since Christmas, where I didn't have classwork or some other committment and am about to go into a really long over two-month stretch with no days off, since I have classes on weekends and at night. I want to pull myself out of this state of entropy before that starts up again.

Have at least managed to bag up old clothes, but not the books, nor have I made it out the door, nor looked at bus schedules.

I did get rid of the clothes, then wandered around the store because I was enjoying the music. Finally cooked the greens and the artichokes, sore hand be damned. The artichokes were wonderful. Was enjoying them so much I accidently burned the greens a bit, still edible. Pan's okay, smoother now. Should have it burned more often.

What I love

Well, got my viscera moved.  I like talking to the therapists, they are always very interesting, and they like to talk about diet and alternative healing practices and therapy. Took a sauna after, because even though it was hot out, it only costs $5 w/massage and I thought it might be good for me.

A year ago tomorrow, I left for Finland. And that was where I had my first sauna, in Eluvori maybe? I'll need to look up the name. Near Sastamala, a ski resort in the winter. I was nervous about getting naked with people I knew casually. I didn't know how saunas worked. As it turned out, one of my roommates had an extra swimsuit which she loaned me, and which fit, and we went separately by gender, so it was very crowded with the women. The older women kept dumping water on the fire, so it was super hot, and then we beat each other with birch branches (which, while it might get out aggression, doesn't actually hurt much when they are wet.) Ended up being a great bonding experience for all of us, I think. (This would be with the Finnish Choral Society, we were on a choir tour in S. Finland for a week.) I later went in a second sauna with my cousin and a friend the last night I was in Finland. While trying to stay as long as possible in there today, I thought with great affection of everyone that made that trip possible, everyone I spent time with, and everyone I encountered on that trip. It was pretty wonderful. Magical. Picture is from a day trip I took with my cousin to Estonia. (I had no expectations before I went, I didn't even know I was going until pretty close to the time to leave. I didn't think I could afford to go.  I had just gone to Portugal the previous autumn, which had used up any extra money I had.)

Tallinn, Estonia/L Herlevi 2012

This will be more gushy than articulate, but what I love about my country is that it is a great melting pot, and every wave of immigrants made our country greater than it was before.  I love the potential. The possibility of what we could be if we weren't so afraid, could embrace each other, learn, grow.

I love the Fourth of July. It's my favorite holiday. I love being in a crowd of people waiting to watch the fireworks, and looking around and seeing people from 20 or 30 different countries, just in my vicinity. Not tourists, but people who are building a life here. And we're all happy, and hanging out together and getting along. And while I know this doesn't happen all the time, the fact that it does, and that it can, and that we can share in one another's cultures is a beautiful thing. Feels my heart with joy.

Happy birthday America!

Morning of the 4th of July

Developed a wicked headache around 7 pm last night that I cannot seem to shake. Might be a food allergy, I don't know. Back pain, too. Inner eyelids a little puffy. None of this relieved by water nor ibuprofen, which I'll need to get up and buy more of, as I've taken the last of it now. Maybe walking will help.

It's a national holiday. Happy 4th of July! I wanted to go to the beach, but maybe I should go get my back and shoulder worked on. They are open in the early part of the day. Get caught up on reading.  Clean. More later, gonna see what I can do to get rid of headache. Oh, good, I can see someone at 2 pm.

Headache not gone, but at bay for now. Not crazy about the Holga pics, have a weird red flare, not in every shot, not sure what's going on, if I should keep trying to tape it up, or get a new one. I used to borrow a friend's Holga a lot, travelled with it, and got some beautiful pictures. I borrowed it so much that he bought me this one, but as they are made out of plastic, they are hit and miss in quality. His was a better one. At the time you could buy them for $20, I think I've seen them at Urban Outfitters now for $60 or $70, which is a lot if it ends up being a dud.

Anyway, here are three. There are a couple that are better, but I like these. Definite light leak on the left corner of camera, that one is in just about every shot. Or maybe it's the right, my brain doesn't switch back and forth quite like it did when I shot more. (Or between color and black/white.)


Canal/L Herlevi 2013

I don't know that I'll submit them, I have some 35mm film I still need to develop. The thistle picture is a double exposure with a red flare, the canal shot has a flare, I think, but it works somehow. The middle picture, I like the eel grass, as a shirt.

Seaweed/L Herlevi 2013

Thistle/L Herlevi 2013
 

Scratchy

I'm either sunburned or really scratched up from the bedstraw and other plants, my skin is burning.

In fairness, I'll say that I've probably been dumped as a friend over the years for lack of follow-thru on my part. I was bad about calling or writing letters because I thought I had to say something profound and I could never think of anything and time passed and I lost contact with people...and the more time that passed, the worse I felt about it, but still couldn't think of good reasons to contact people. Well, my insecurities would have said, "couldn't think of a reason to bother them." I still break into a cold sweat if I have to cold call someone (but I've said that before.) Even my own family. Email is easier for me.  All this just to say, I feel hypocritical to not give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Still there is a sanity issue, and I could learn to give someone the benefit of the doubt without being invested in the outcome. Somedays I am there, a lot of days, I am not. (Because, obviously, it did matter to me.)

I misplaced my debit card for the credit union I can only really access through an ATM. If I don't find it today, I'll try to find a phone number. Even if it was stolen, it couldn't be used to buy anything, as it's only a savings account...still I need to buy groceries, so would be helpful to me. I took it out of my wallet so I wouldn't use it, but it's not where I usually put them. It was when I had too many things going on, so it really could be anywhere. Haven't used it in over a month.

The crow outside sounds more like a raven, very low, rough voice. Still no robin...I heard a bird singing about an hour ago, but it wasn't the robin, nor the crow. Finally, going to try to salvage my frying pan now, have no choice but to cook. Thankfully, my garden is growing lots of edible leaves.

The spam generators must just go out in waves, and then create new fake domains and do it again. They slow down for a few days and then suddenly will get wave after wave of hits, and then nothing for a week and then it picks up all over again. It's picked up again. It's such a waste of energy.

No luck on the debit card, but on the bright side, a very small corner of my world is more in order. My arm is killing me, did too much work with it yesterday, so frying pan has not been dealt with (couldn't lift it to hold it.)

Alarms kept shrieking on this morning as well.

After gardening, alarms going off at home

Super exhausted. I weeded for a couple of hours, embarassingly making grunting noises, because it was really hot out, I was tired and there were endless weeds to yank free (mostly bindweed, which is tangled up into everything.  It takes a bit of effort to extract it.) Filled up most of a yardwaste bag with bindweed and bedstraw, that's not counting the stuff I haven't dealt with yet or the stuff I chopped into the bins. I noticed someone hacked back the neighbor's grape, which is great. They don't like our garden, but the garden was there before they bought the house, so they've planted things that are invasive along the fence-line. Anyway, the woman who gardens next to me gave me some beet greens, and I had some collards and cauliflower greens, as well as artichokes and some tiny cauliflower florettes, but by the time I bought garlic, lemon and walked home, I was too tired to cook. Maybe in the morning. I need to deal with my frying pan, should probably drink some water, too.

The tomatoes are recovering from their earlier neglect. The weird-colored leaves have disappeared, so I think it was a mineral deficiency from being in the little pots so long. Need to schedule a work-party, I need the hours, the garden needs the work, and I won't have any free time for the rest of the summer after the 14th.

Our smoke detectors keep going off. We can't figure out why, no smoke in the house. Maybe it's from fireworks outside. I think I'm going to go deaf. Someone was shooting them off outside, and the windows are open. (Picture is random.) It's probably not shyness, it's maybe "annoyed" or maybe "don't like."  The problem with me is that I keep wanting to believe in a nice answer, but am I fooling myself? Very probable. There are people in the world that like me. Just not this one. I need to let that sink in.

Lunch/L Herlevi 2013

Morning

The spiders had a busy dawn laying out gossamer highways across the open expanse. They float freely on the slightest of breezes and glisten in the morning sun. I could watch them drift, avoid passing thru them, when I walked outside.

I'm having an early 90's nostalgia moment. Here's a Belly song, Feed the Tree. (Reminds me of something I recently said offhandedly to a tree...I do talk to plants. Okay, I was carrying pizza and I asked if it would like some. I believe the answer was "yes," but how in the world do you give pizza to a tree? I thought about making it into a slurry and then digging a hole and burying the slurry there...why do these things come into my head? Feel somewhat apologetic every time I pass by.  Anthropomorphizing it, imagining it waiting patiently for me to follow through...people dump worse things in the ground.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFYFj5q8_Qk&list=ALBTKoXRg38BA47pSz8oIzbYO-0-TTM2VO

Here's Tanya again with the Catherine Wheel: Judy's Staring at the Sun, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVj4f6qP3zA

I'll stop now. It's funny, I hardly ever listen to this music now, but I still love it. Music consumed my life then. (Music, art, photography, nature, food...I had a lot of energy.) The time itself (late 80's to mid-90's) was a big mesh of darkness and hope, huge political changes but also a lot of depression and heavy drug use in general (not for me, but all around.) Kinda' sounds like the late 60's when I say it. For whatever reasons, I've blocked a lot of it out of my mind. Had to move on.

Last night, cool air came in from the Pacific and tempered the evening to a perfect temperature, sky glowing red all around. It's lovely out right now as well. Reminding me of one of the many reasons I live here.

I'm so tired, I'm giving into the coffee-after-noon urge. I want to go lie down in a park some place and take a nap. Felt this way for the past four hours. Woke up from a nightmare, where I thought I should get out of some house before anyone came home, and then was trying to hide from someone (a family friend) who was looking in all the windows and trying the doors. Don't know why I didn't go into the hallway. Anyway, that was some time during the 3 am hour. Didn't really get any good sleep after that. Have to go garden in a couple of hours, didn't get around to it yesterday. Ended up trying on clothes in the air-conditioned store instead, air outside had cooled considerably by the time I left. (Have gone on three walks, and tried a bit of yoga to wake-up, just not happening.) Lots of spam from Russia again today.

Hmm. That worked, should cut back on coffee consumption more often:) Very awake, not in a bad way.

Ugh

Wow. Now getting (probable spam) hits from something called "stalker-inc" that's just effing awesome. Will not look at it. What's wrong with people? (I have now turned into both of my parents.)

As for the other one (not creepy), okay. Wow. Can't respond to it there, so will respond here. I'm flattered, but there is a potential girlfriend out there, who is not me, yes? And you're not actually flirting, it's just witty banter, right? Still, probably the nicest compliments I've ever gotten. (And I needed to hear it.) Wow.

13 days

13 days. My previous instructor thought it would be good for me to do the clown class as well. I'm getting better at getting around the paralyzed feeling of creative blocks, or sometimes crashing through them. I need the constant pressure on that now, or I probably will back off, and another reason I started taking these classes was to work on that. My exit interview was shorter than it shoulda' been because she lost the original list and when she wrote to tell us that, I accidently replied to my scene partner and not her, so there was a time mix-up. She said I could email resume stuff though. Need to work on that tonight, after paying a bill and possibly going to garden. We will all be in the same boat, so, at least the class will be a bonding experience.

Ran into a friend of mine from previous theatre days (we live down the street from each other, so see him around) and we were talking about gardens. He said he'd put in a good word for me if I wanted to switch over to the one in our neighborhood, I don't currently live anywhere near my garden. I like my neighborhood now, but my house needs the bug and water issues dealt with. Not the healthiest place to live. Another friend was telling me that new studios in his neighborhood are starting at $1675/month. Ridiculous. Who would pay that? Are we becoming New York? Where do normal people live? He's an engineer, and both he and another friend who works in the tech industry moved to older, less-expensive apartments, and they make a fair living. What is everyone else supposed to do? My hope is that most of them stay vacant, so that management companies stop believing there is a market for that kinda' rent. I remember a few years back seeing 500 sq ft studios for under $600. Those days are long gone.

It's only 78 degrees so far, with a decent breeze blowing. I don't believe there is real air conditioning here.

This is a Charlie Chaplin quote, snagged from a Tyler Perry interview : Chaplin often spoke about finding comedy through pain: "Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain;" and "To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!"
http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/tyler-perry-used-afraid-open-kitchen-cabinets-164510925.html#more-22546  Has to do with clown, I think.