Last real run through

Notes: more, more, more, more, more. Grow it to release the lifetime of repression, because I don't have to keep the secret anymore. I don't think I've ever gone to that level of energy before, I hope I can figure out how to let go enough to let that happen. I don't currently know how...got five days to figure it out. And yeah, as an actor, that will be a fun place to go, if I can get there. He says I need to not think about it, but I don't know how to let go, I had a hard time going to seven in clown, but trying then is certainly helpful now. If only I felt raging lust...I feel nothing today. To quote my sister, "That's why they call it acting." Yeah, I guess so.  Cheers. Lot, lot, lotta work to do on the monologue, too. I'm trying to remember it's not me, it's the character, and she would. Doesn't matter what the actress would do.

I can do this. Yes.

Friday

Finally told my boss about getting into the Meisner Intensive. She said she didn't see a problem with my leaving early for the duration of the program. That's a relief to finally get it off my chest, though I didn't really think it would be an issue, I just have an irrational fear of asking for things.

I forced myself to call my landlord as well regarding the sink (leaking), the bathtub (doesn't drain) and the basement flooding. Hopefully, he actually does send someone over. He said he would. (The plumbing for the sink should probably be replaced, has been an issue for a long time.) And made a payment on my medical bills...now I can go into vacation without all this hanging over my head.

The rain must've missed the Fill, was expecting it to be a mucky mess, but it was very dry. The dust made me think of the idea of "brushing the dust off of your feet."  Earlier this summer I heard someone explain that as leaving a situation/place without any baggage. In other words, wiping off any hard feelings or resentments and moving onto the next place without carrying all or any of that with you. Had never thought about it that way before, and it might be easier said than done, but I like it. Just. Letting. Everything. Go.

Heavy, heavy rain

The weather gages are saying less than an inch of rain, but I don't think those are right. It dumped for a good half hour or more. It started to rain when I left work at 5 pm, as usual. I was walking slowly, enjoying the sound of the rain hitting the leaves. After a few minutes, I saw lightning, ten seconds 'til the thunder, is that ten miles? I ducked into a restaurant nearby and then it just started dumping. The rain cut off the satellite service to the restaurant and then shortly thereafter, water started dripping from the ceiling. I pointed it out and the manager commented that he didn't understand the concept of flat roofs in a place that rains so much. Good point. It was a river outside, even after the rain stopped.

I knew it would flood the basement at home. I got home about an hour ago, and have since bailed out the drain, and cleaned the mud out, and then just got finished wiping up the floor. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it's annoying that it's the third or fourth time this year. They had all summer to fix the gutters, but they haven't. Thankfully, neither the front porch nor the kitchen ceilings leaked. (But those are both from the gutters backing up.) It's still really humid, so the floor is not drying.

Ick. I need to take a shower now, and then work on the monologue. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it's what I'm going with, so I've gotta make it work.

Thursday, just one more rehearsal

Falling rain and yellow leaves. It's as if a switch flipped and suddenly I see arms of red and yellow among the mostly green trees. The bus swirls the leaves slowly as it passes by, raking them into neat lines of brown and gold. It was almost 70 degrees and 91% humidity when I woke up around 5 am. It's been humid a lot this summer, in spite of very little rain. What, are we becoming sub-tropical? Maybe we can start growing bananas...There's a sprinkler running and it just started to pour. I opened my window because I like the sound.  It's so quiet today, that's the only sound I hear.

We get so few notes after each run-thru that I asked the director if he's tired by the time we do our scene (the earlier scenes seem to get the most notes.) He said he only gives notes he thinks are necessary. I wasn't trying to be an ass, but I need some feedback. I don't want to suck, and I've had a couple experiences with other instructors where there was so little feedback (okay, one of them gave me zilch), and I knew we needed it...I don't want to be so bad that there's nothing they can say to improve it. I don't think he does that, but I want the feedback if it's needed (or even to just hear that it's good), I want to get better. I have no idea what the scene looks like. I asked if we could run our last half on Saturday (which we will do, that was one of our notes), we need to go bigger with it. It's a long scene, I don't want to be dead weight when she is talking. And I'd like it to be more than, "oh, those two chicks just kissed on stage." We do now, however, have the overlapping dialogue working. So, yea! to that. (All of this is my own insecurities, of course. Maybe I'll ask the stage manager, she can see from the front-if I seem like dead weight, everyone else is behind us. But, you know, it's helpful to hear if you are doing good, too. I can't base my progress on the subjective idea of how I feel.) The last three scenes in the second act just haven't been worked much, and we all have fewer notes than the first act scenes, which have been worked at almost every rehearsal since we started. I know that he knows what he's doing, but most of us have not worked on a full show before, so we don't always know what we're doing, and it is a class. (Someone else commented that they wanted more input as well, because it's a class, and we should be learning from it. Which is a fair observation: we did pay tuition. And since there will also be an audience, you want to give your best.) I don't mean to bitch, I just want to get the most out of the experience as possible.  I want to continue to improve; it's why I'm studying. And I don't know where I stand right now.

Darn! Someone just asked me my shoe size because they are cleaning out their closet...wrong size. (I could use new shoes.)

Ooh, forecast is for the possibility of 1-2" of rain today. Maybe it will put out the forest fires.

I found a second typo in my application (after re-sending for a different one.) I mentioned it to someone and she said no one would really care. (I forgot to include a verb.) This is very different from what you hear for job applications where your resume/letter would just get tossed for a typo (even if you were the best fit.)

It's now the type of rain that seems it should include some thunder.  It was sunny about 20 minutes ago.

Wednesday morning

My brain is parched and barren. The few, dry seeds rattling under the surface lie dormant. They are someone else's words waiting to grow and speak through me. Waiting for the right moment to flourish. Waiting for rain.

For better or worse, application has been sent. A bit of a relief to have it done.

While walking back home

Just a thought. Maybe it would be nice if we took enough interest in other people that we could ask them about themselves when they make the effort to ask us about ourselves. Sometimes we try so hard to get someone to like us that we forget to get to know anything about them to see if they are someone we even want to know. You can know a lot about a person, while they know next to nothing about you. They never bother to ask. (Or visa-versa, it's sounds awkward to reword it. "You" isn't anyone in particular.) Getting to know someone is a partner dance, not a solo performance.

Crap. Our alarms have been going off/on for the past hour. Someone, who is not home, and who's door is locked, needs to change a battery, so we can't do anything about it. And someone else tried taking their own battery out, and now that's broken, so it's the incessant "battery needs changing" beeping. I'd go sleep in the living room, where there isn't an alarm, but I suspect there are ants. It's 4 am.

Disjunct and writer's block

Apologies for my lack of coherence. The sky spat a smattering rain this morning, and I ran into my boss at the grocery store, who then drove me to work. It's raining more productively now, and I walked the full way home. I'm glad for the rain: my garden needs watering, and I don't have the time to go tonight. I turned a corner and there were snails everywhere, turned another and they were gone. Just the one street. I have my window open, and I'm wearing shorts now because my jeans are in the dryer. I'm actually cold.

Friday is now sold out as well. Yea!...I think.

I have writer's block.

The application is due Wednesday. What I've written for the application has been typed; it's not particularly coherent. I have plenty of editing to do. It would help to print it out. I can't even remember what the question was. I do have it, just not looking at it. This post isn't coherent either. Oh, geez. I don't want to do anything. Maybe I should go for a walk; taking a nap would be counter productive. At least my laundry is done.

My housemate might have been exposed to the measles. I hope not. I do not want to get sick right now. I want to do this show. I've been vaccinated, but that was a long time ago, how long is it good for?  Think I will go for a walk...am thinking too much about food to actually write. I don't even know that I'm hungry, it's more the distraction of knowing that I should eat at some point tonight. It's also the pressure of having to write something that needs to sound intelligent. I am intelligent, I'm just not particularly good at communicating that. My thoughts are diffuse, like ambient, unfocused light. Even more so now, because of the pressure of this. I'm gonna make this training work either way, but it would give me breathing space to get the scholarship. Eventually, this will support two students for the full program, but not this year. This year there's only one. I imagine we all have merit. (And most of us probably also have the need.) And at any rate, this writing, selling myself to a panel, auditioning, etc., is good practice even if I am rebelling right now. I think I need to walk away for a while (from the computer and from the house.)

Is it good or bad that we only had a few notes last night? Did it go alright, or was he just tired by that point?

Sunday, run-thru

Woke up at 5:30 am to hear the puzzle on NPR (which I had somehow forgotten about how much I enjoy.) Fell back asleep and in a dream, I was with a bunch of people staying at a house, there were also other guests there (like at a bed and breakfast) that we were helping. They wanted a bunch of orchid plants for something, and I was running around looking to see if there were any in the house. Then we were sitting around in a living room and suddenly I had a mouthful of ground glass, and I couldn't figure out how to get it out, I was trying to rinse it out with water, but there just kept being more, and it was sticking in my mouth. Obviously, I couldn't swallow it, and I was getting really thirsty. I thought slippery elm or aloe would help, but since I was at someone else's house, I didn't think there would be any there. Then I realized I was kinda' near my dentist's office and I thought I could get there and they could use the water and suction thing to get it out. I didn't seem to want to tell anyone. I woke up before it got solved. Had to convince myself that there was no way I actually had ground-up glass in my mouth. There was also something about film development in the dream, I was picking up film from a lab, but they had cut it up and it wasn't dry, and I was wondering if I actually had to pay them for it.

Rehearsal went better today, guess it just needs to keep being run. We got through the whole run, with transitions. I felt better about it, he didn't have unexpected notes to give us, my energy was up on the exit, but can go higher, I'm swallowing a couple of lines that need to be heard, etc. Since it's last, I kept getting more and more nervous about it not being ready, but the only way it's gonna be ready is to run it. Saturday night is sold out. It's a small venue, but it's still nice. Got my monologue under one minute, but have lots of work to do on it. No rehearsal tomorrow, so it's really work on that, submit the application and do laundry. Feeling okay.

Early evening

Is the week over? Oh, well. Actually, ended up getting to concert early because I managed to catch an earlier bus to Bellevue. I lived there for two years, over 20 years ago. Places sound familiar, but I don't recognize anything, except the major landmarks that haven't changed. I had a car then, too. I drove a lot, knew my way around. It's pretty: very verdant, lots of trees. I thought about how many more options you have for places to live when you have a car.

The songs went okay. We had the accompanist today.  I told him later about how I feel his playing elevates the music and how I sometimes listen to the CD from Finland to hear he and the accordian player together. Finally put my money where my mouth is, even if it is gushy. He was gracious. Besides it's all true, I enjoy listening to him play. Had to run off, right after that. Managed to figure out where the bus stop was, it was pretty fast. Made it to rehearsal on time. We barely got through our scene once in that hour. At least we talked about transitions and were in agreement about things. I had my lines down more or less, but that was my worse run-through. I just am not connecting what I want with the words, and it's like I'm just reading them, and not in a particularly interesting or believable way. This is why I'm taking acting classes. I hope I improve before the show. It's bad.

I finally committed to a monologue. Now I'm cutting it. I tried to time it using a clock with a second hand. I think it's two minutes, three minutes wouldn't make sense. My nose is stuffed and so I read this bad, too. I'm not a good cold reader, thankfully, I don't think we will have to do that for the audition. I'm crossing my fingers. It's weird, I can cold read poetry ususally, but not text. I want to include an emotional transition. I need to do it for the play, so it will be good practice. I think I know where I need to start that now. We were playing the ending pretty subdued and then I was suddenly supposed to exit excited, but it needs to start earlier, it doesn't make sense to just suddenly be there. It needs to build. I'm liberated a page or so earlier and it needs transition from there. Also, the director told me I need to soften my face, but I don't think my face softens. I even tried thinking of cute babies and puppies while watching my face in the mirror...all I can think to do is to hold my face more tense earlier and then let it go "normal."

On the bus coming home, the air-conditioning was blasting, and my stomach felt like a fist because I hadn't eaten all day, and all I could think about was that I wanted to get off of the bus. We got stuck in traffic because a wire on one of the bridges had to be repaired. I almost got off and walked, but I was carrying my bag of winter clothes, my book of music, my performance clothes and shoes, and a full bottle of water. It was cumbersome. It would have been a long walk. I just put on a long-john shirt even though it was almost 80 degrees outside. I still have it on. And when I finally ate, I ate too much, too fast. Now I just want to nap. More work on this monologue first. Sorry, I lied about one post per day. (Everytime I audibly sigh, on purpose, I hear George laughing in my head, in a high-pitched, nervous, maniacal way.)

Let the madness begin

20 hours of rehearsal this week, plus working full time, plus the application for the scholarship is due, and I need to work on the monologue...I'll be glad when the audition and the show are over. There doesn't seem to be enough time, but it'll all work out, I suppose. At least I have my lines down...although I always think I do until I'm standing and trying to move at the same time. I have them down when I am sitting. Funny how that changes. It's mostly just the one page with the overlapping dialogue I have trouble with. Most of the characters have repeating dialogue, with maybe just one word or the number of times words are repeated each time changing. We haven't rehearsed it together enough. Crud. Once again I am sick. Wonder what that's all about?  Maybe I should stop drinking that juice with chia seeds. Will make for a fun bus ride. I should probably pack my props and performance clothes now.

Hacked back a blackberry bush last night, the yard waste bin is full. There were ants on the plants, and when I went to the grocery store later, I picked an ant off of my neck while I was talking to one of the food prep guys. It was probably the only one, but for the rest of the evening I felt like I had bugs crawling on me. I still feel like I have bugs crawling on me.

I need to check the bus schedule. I turned down a ride to the concert because it was really early, but I wonder if riding the bus will give me enough time to change and warm up vocally? I don't want to wear this dress on the bus.

Here's a picture of the western sky last night. Lots of interesting clouds. That one cloud in the middle first reminded me of a dove and then a dragon. There's a sun dog, too. Time to go.

Western Sky/L. Herlevi 2013

Hyvää Viikonloppua!

(Happy weekend! I need to practice what little Finnish I can remember.) Oh, thank God! I found the book. I thought I was going to have to find a replacement somewhere.  And there is an express bus from the concert to downtown, so I can sing and still make my rehearsal.

9) Book that changed my life:
The Pilgrimage-Paulo Coelho - Not for what it said per se, but because it made me want to walk it, and doing that changed my life.

8) Book I haven't made it through but whose story I really like:
Moby Dick - Herman Melville

7) Favorite book I read in high school:
Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain (well, at least the first half, I don't care for the Duke and the Dauphin)

6) Favorite Bookstore:
Powell's in Portland, Oregon

5) Favorite mode of transportation:
Train

4) Favorite train route:
Amtrak Coast Starlight - Seattle to Los Angeles

3) Place I always take visitors in Seattle:
The Ballard Locks

2) What occupies most of my thoughts:
Food (Art, in all forms, is quickly catching up, though)

1) Something I enjoy and would like to do more of:
Curating

And I have a ticket, again, because my friend ended up reserving two other ones...but at least she's attending. I'll probably just release it.

Okay, I'll go ahead and finish it

Well, didn't make it to the coffee shop to get any writing done. Feeling ill, maybe won't go to singing rehearsal, but that's some hours off. I shouldn't have eaten last night, I was sick yesterday afternoon as well. The gulls have been going nuts for the past few weeks, constantly crying loudly, swooping down, I haven't seen any babies or hawks or anything. I'm sure there have been baby gulls, they do bring them here, but if there are, they are well hidden.

Actually, the movie is slow-paced, I may have made it through six more minutes before falling asleep.

19) I'm bossy.

18) Group indecision drives me nuts.

17) Unless I'm sick and on days of sleep deprivation due to jet lag, I'm a pretty easy-going person to travel with. (This is in spite of my inherent bossy-ness, and my horrible jumpiness at other people's driving. I can't help it.)

16) I love to drive. I love road trips. (Yeah, mentioned previously.)

15) I love to immerse myself in whatever the culture is of where I am.

14) I like trying to figure out public transportation when I get to a new city (except Los Angeles); it makes me feel somewhat competent. Sad, but true. (I have gotten on the wrong bus before, ended up somewhere weird-side of the freeway- and had to pantomime with the driver how to get into the city from there. It all worked out in the end.)

13) Not knowing the language isn't reason enough not to go somewhere. It would certainly make for a more meaningful experience, but you can get by.

12) Next travel for me (somewhere way in the future): Baltic states (plus Romania); Asia (not sure where, Japan or Philippines, maybe); Turkey; Morroco...just saw a low-ish air fare to Madrid:) though I don't have the time. Meisner is 12 weeks/pop. Spain still has my heart. (Ditto, for the most part as far as mentioning before.)

11) I'm not so great at being factually coherent, and I admire people that are; I am, however, pretty good at reading people (unless my personal baggage gets in the way.)

10) I am going to attempt to write no more than one post a day. At least for the rest of the week. Past experience is not in my favor.

Oh, there are babies. I just saw one throw itself into some bushes, flail, and when it finally extracted itself, it jumped up onto a basement window ledge and stared inside. The window was slightly open, but not enough for the bird to gain access. They seem to do that a lot, try to get inside.

I usually am wishing to be busier

The word "no" really needs to become a regular participant in my vocabulary. I am booked just about every night this week, and I need to work on this theatre stuff. There is a coffee shop that opens around six am near a bus stop, maybe I'll go there tomorrow before work. Just not where I need to be with any of this. If I get a seat on the southbound bus, I can read...but I need to write, and I still haven't found the book. (Which means I need to write more, because I'll have to construct my own monologue from the text. I don't think it will be difficult, just take extra time to piece it together.)

Later. Bus was packed. My friend found me a seat, but no reading. Sat around at Rocco's in Belltown hoping to meet up with a friend in town from Portland. No luck. Ran into some theatre people I know, and I got a bunch of writing done. Someone offered to run lines with me, but I needed to get to a meeting. Ate this garlic cheese bread with pesto (the pesto was fabulous), and now I really want to brush my teeth. Had this cucumber/rosewater drink...amazing aroma. Left to catch a bus to meeting. Got someone to drive me home, the moon was rising pale orange through wispy bluish clouds, half hidden. Now it's more pale yellow and you can see the whole thing. Must actually be full tonight. Looking down at the city, all the buildings glistened in a hard, greenish silver light against a darkening blue sky, pink clouds strewed across the higher sky. Warm. A gorgeous summer night.

I've got the general background written. If this is as far as I get, I can work with it, but I'd like to get more specific, things that never come up, but are part of being a person. Told person that drove me home about the show. He said he might be interested in seeing it. I'm getting better at this (letting people know what's going on, inviting them into my life.)

Peace. I'm going for round three in trying to watch this Marx Brothers movie. I keep falling asleep, not a testament to anything accept a bit of narcoleptic-tendencies on my part.

Evening, Aquarius Moon

I stood on the corner, waiting for the light to change, watching the full moon rise over the barbed-wire fence, through cloudless, dusky pink skies. Almost home. It's just past eight and the sun has already set; a hazy golden afterglow on the western mountains is all that remains of the day.

Traffic is steady. House is hot. Yellow jackets are gradually increasing their territory to include the back porch, though, they generally seem to mind their own business. I think they only attacked me because I stuck my hand (unwittingly) in their nest.

Finally gave away my ticket. If people show up (things happen) I should have friends at each performance. I watched some trailers of scenes today. I know I shouldn't have, I saw bits of my scene, but it won't be the same...changing the genders, changes the circumstances, even if the wants remain the same. That reminds me, I need to look up some things about Maine.

Finished the monologue play, began to read another one from the 1960's. Still haven't found that other book I misplaced. Had a bunch of tomatoes to pick. One smashed on the way home, so, now I need to clean out the bag, probably my pants as well. It's all over my knee. The avocado did it in. I don't know why I carry random vegetables around all the time. I'm not going to eat it tonight, I coulda' left it at work.

After 4 or 5 years, I finally (almost) know one of the finnish songs by heart (not Finlandia): Minun Kultani Kaunis On, it's a joke song. I kinda' know what it's about, too. After that, I cannot remember any more suomi. I don't think I can take it again this year, though I'll ask. The instructor is good.

I have nothing weird to tell you at this time. My eye sockets are a little sore from tapping on them.

Sing

I seem to have misplaced the monologue book. I can come up with one out of the actual play, but I need to return the book, it's not mine. We (choir) will hopefully be rehearsing with the accompanist from the Finland tour for the fall. Speaking of things that make me swoon, I sometimes listen to the recording from the tour just to hear the piano and accordion parts; I don't think the accordion player will be around much this fall, she's busy. I'm hitting up to an F now, but feel like my voice is around the sound, and not through the note, if that makes any sense...it doesn't feel "solid."  It feel like it's hollow. Something to work on. I don't know if I can make many rehearsals because they are on Mondays, but maybe I can do the Meisner stuff close to work and still make some rehearsals. He totally elevates the music when he plays. Feel really lucky to be able to work with him.

No more listing for the moment. I was getting a little bizarre in what I was telling you about myself. I do appreciate that anyone actually reads this.

I must be avoiding something

Rehearsal (singing) went okay. We have another one on Thursday. We are somewhat rusty. I probably need to sing for the concert as we are short on sopranos, but I have my other rehearsal at 3 pm, and that one takes precedent. Doing both will mean that I'll have to lug my winter clothes around all day. Read a second play, Laundry and Bourbon, today. Played Elizabeth in scene study class in college, I think I still have a letter that "Hattie" wrote me. I've started to read The Children's Hour; I'll still probably go with my original choice, but I wanted to read the others just in case. Wrote a rough application during lunch. I think I have enough for a page, at least a start. That's due next Wednesday.

I won't do this again after 300 posts. But it's this or my going on about some guy or about monologues.

24) Best first date: Two-day road trip on the Olympic Peninsula with someone I had known only casually up to that point. I have no memory of why we even thought it might be a good idea...it was wonderfully disastrous (even at the time, I didn't think it was the wisest choice...thankfully turned out okay.) The result of two people who are spontaneous in different ways. Thank God the car didn't break down, but just about everything else that could go wrong, did. At some point, it's just funny.

23) Things that generally make me swoon (can't help myself, those ducks are pretty.): (tie)
Wood ducks
Ring-necked ducks
The moon
Music
Certain people

22) Favorite Beverage:
Coffee (though, I've really cut back, and I don't drink it after noon anymore)

21) Food I miss most:
Potatoes

20) Weirdest thing I ever agreed to do:
Look for Bigfoot in a pitch-black, ancient forest...where about 45 minutes into the search I realized I was one of only two people in the group that had not dropped acid, thankfully, the other sober one was the guy leading us. When we finally got back to everyone else a couple of hours had passed, and I found out one of my friends was about to send someone out to look for us. Thank God for friends. Never again. I will say, it's probably the type of place where a Bigfoot would live. It's remote, though I'm sure the sounds we heard were most likely deer or raccoons. (I think someone has claimed to see one in that forest. I'm glad we did not. I was in college at the time. This was at a summer job in the middle of nowhere.)

I might not actually complete this list, they are getting kinda' strange.

Almost 300

Excited that it's almost autumn. Excited that someone just pointed out an easier way to do a job I was plowing through. And gosh, I've had a wordy year:

30) Most beautifully, heart-breaking book I ever read: (three-way tie, they all deal with some form of bullying, actually)
Garden in the Dunes - Leslie Marmon Silko (Also the most beautifully written book I've ever read)
Cities of Salt - Abdul Rahman Munif
Cat's Eye - Margaret Atwood

29) Book I was most surprised to enjoy: (tie)
Everything by Charles Dickens
The Colossus of Maroussi - Henry Miller

28) Favorite thing in the sky:
The moon
(Followed closely by the ISS)

27) Favorite tree:
Big-Leaf Maple

26) Favorite hostel stay for conversation:
Poet's Hostel in Porto, Portugal
(because of the communal dinner. Again, the food was okay, but the conversation was fabulous.)

25) Nationalities of (my) awesome travel companions:
German/Australian (followed by)
American, Spanish, Finnish, and Swiss
(Most people I have met while travelling were really cool.)

Enough

I know I said earlier that I wished that I had more in the show, but I take that back: I'm having a hard enough time trying to find this character, that I'm glad I don't have to do another one. That was just an ego thing. There's so much going on in this scene. I hope I can pull it off, definitely more than I am now. She's complicated. I've been thinking about her for the last hour (because I'm sitting here waiting for a recycling bin delivery.) And I need to connect all of the internal life with the physical movements, and there are a lot of those. It's good. I'm glad I got this part now, but since I invited people, I want to do well by it. Someone told me yesterday that it doesn't matter what the show is, or how good it is; that the people that come are there to bear witness to the work you did.  Or something like that. I wish I could remember it better, I liked it, it was very generous. And then I have to find the other character, so that I can bring that across in one minute for the audition. One minute out of four hours, and it's all I can think about. One minute. I dreamt about the audition last night. Dreamt that there were only two auditors...it won't really be either of them.

Sunday-for the practice of it

It took an hour-and-a-half to get home this afternoon. It took half-an-hour to get from Seattle Center to Downtown (should be about ten minutes), partially it was Hempfest traffic, and partially it was lots of confused people who weren't sure if they wanted to get on the bus, didn't know how to pay for bus, and were confused about transfers. The bus driver was in a good mood though. Mostly I wanted to get home because I wanted to change my clothes; my t-shirt smelt like fried squid (I know because I'm the one that cooked it) but I hadn't realized it when I grabbed it, and the rest of my outfit was partial clown. The bathrooms were being cleaned, there wasn't anywhere to change...it's kinda' cute, except the tights. When I got home the entire house smelt like old, fried fish. No gain there. It's been three weeks since class ended, felt really out of practice. I think we should meet more than once-a-month, (today was for something else) but it's hard to get the on-going committment: I know people are busy, have other priorities. It is fun though. Acting, too. In both you get to do things, express things, explore parts of yourself, or parts that have nothing to do with you...all things you generally don't get to do in everyday life. It feels so good to shout and to laugh like a maniac; to not hold my tongue, but not actually hurt someone, because it's not real. And there's joy in being a fool. (And there's that external permission I still need...and I'm still receiving it, from teachers, directors, and fellow travellers...I need a lot right now, I've been pretty out of my comfort zone all summer.)

Wow, it's almost 8 pm. Got a lot I still need to get done today, first being to find clothes that still smell clean.

Persistance

My fingers are sticking to the keyboard. Ick. Says it's only 60% humidity, but everything feels sticky. The air-conditioning was on and the windows were open on the bus, which thankfully travelled at freeway speeds; that offered some relief. But as I read, my hands still stuck to the book that I held.

Finally was able to find copy of play I was looking for at the Central Library.

Central Library/L Herlevi 2013

At first it didn't look like I would be able to check it out, said that it was "in-library use only, " but the first reference librarian said to go ask upstairs anyway, and the second librarian found a copy in an anthology that I could check out. I need to spend more time up there, lots of theatre stuff. Walked the stairs down to the exit, every section smelling slightly different than the last, the result of different papers? glues? storage sites? So excited to get to the exit, I almost walked out without checking the book out. I've been pretty spacey all day, almost walked in front of a bus earlier, because I only actually bothered to check traffic in one direction on a two-way street before crossing. I was late for rehearsal.

Oh, so much more work to do! I think I now have a little bit more figured out, but my energy level needs to go up to about a five or a six...it was hovering at two or three. It'll happen. Got a lot of internal work to do still, but we have all week off, and then 20 hours the following week and then we are at tech week. Shit. That's soon. After tomorrow, that's all I'm doing, besides work. I have singing and a clown thing tomorrow, and then a singing rehearsal for a performance I'm still iffy about, on Monday (that's usually only 1 1/2 hours, and we've done all the music before.) Our scene is the most physical, I think we have the blocking now, we could rehearse on our own, and we will at some point this week. I had both air-conditioners blasting, but we had layers and layers of winter clothing on...everything was drenched. I think my jacket is good for 10-20 degrees for warmth, so, really warm in 70 + degrees, moving around.

They tore out all the street roses near the bus stop. I loved the way they smelt. Now it's just a pile of dirt. Ah, progress. Time to finish reading the play and to write a life. Ciao.

Hmm. I have no upper singing range.  None.  Interesting.

Bombardment and a clown moment

Spent half my lunch wandering around looking for the ideal lunch spot-it's kinda' warm, breezy, and muggy out. Finally found an empty bench in the canopy shadow of some trees. Left me with about ten minutes to eat. The wandering reminded me quite a bit of an animal's behavior, in an amusing way.

I have this big, raw spot I've been focusing on, meanwhile I'm standing in the middle of a hailstorm of (human) affection. I might have asked, I don't remember. I feel like a myriad of hands are waving and shouting, "Look at me!" "Look over here!" And it's time I did.

So, the workshop was pretty short. Since it was in a public space, we worked on physical issues and my hand does feel better, but I also took ibuprofen before I went, so will have to see how it feels later. I did some of the EFT while walking home, and even though I'm irritated by the kitchen and the massive wad of hair stuck in the drain, I'm not feeling anything strong enough at the moment to test how this works.

Was going to try to go to the free Mudhoney concert and fountain/art thing, but I'm doing laundry and sorting out the recycling bin instead. Maybe I can still make the light thing, it's not dark for a couple more hours. Have to finish the recycling and clean out the nasty compost container first though. Fun times.

Ooh. Just had a clown moment. After emptying the container, I went to hose it out. Not a lot of water was coming out, so I kept turning it on higher, even though I saw the kink in the hose. I was half-holding the hose when I unhooked the kink, and the force of the water pressure shot it out of my hand and it turned on me and drenched me and then jumped toward the basement stairs, the lawn, me, the house, me, the lawn, the basement bedroom window...all the while I'm hoping it will stop jumping so I can get to the spigot to shut it off. My shirt is drenched, but thankfully that basement window was actually shut...that would have been a mess. It was very cartoonish and slow-motion.

Guess I can do the rest of my laundry then.

Time is going by so fast

Ack! Application is due in two weeks...time is just speeding by...still need a monologue as well. Maybe I'll go work on that somewhere before the show tonight...or getting my lines more solid. Still need to give my second ticket to someone, I keep forgetting to ask. Need to get my clown stuff cleaned, too. I'm working with a couple other clowns this weekend.

It's raining and muggy. Happy that my garden is getting watered, since I don't have time to go. I love being this busy with stuff I like, but I haven't cooked or been able to do laundry in almost two weeks. I've pretty much been home long enough to sleep. We get a break in rehearsals next week, which will also give me time to work on the audition stuff. The monologue I have has an accent and I want to find one that doesn't, plus it only can be one-minute. Managed to get out to the Fill the last couple of days, but didn't really see many birds. It smells nice though, like cottonwood trees and ripening blackberries. And I get a bonus hill-climbing workout on the return.

So, found a couple of plays I could do a monologue from, but couldn't find a copy of either full play at the bookstore. Will need to check the library. I thought the show tonight started at 8 pm, but it actually started at 9. My friend just dropped me off at home.  It's almost midnight. (Just two bands, but I think they started late.) I bought a drink at 8 pm, because it cost less than food there, and when I went to close my tab, someone else had already paid it. That was very kind.

And whatever someone else thinks of me, I'm probably good enough anyway. I don't need to constantly try to flaunt it or prove it. The people that care about us, just do.

Thursday

I've got the worst headache, have had it all week. Ugh. For the record, the whole situation was provocative. Maybe this person was subconsciously looking for a fight, it was pretty loaded. Even in the initial response there was a lot of venom, and not just to me. And I'm not a victim or feeling sorry for myself, though the whole encounter made me feel ill. Maybe it was hate for someone else, but it all got directed at me, I actually felt physically like I was burning. And my exchanges with this person remind me of those with someone else that I used to be close to but who has a wall around them now (not just to me, to everyone.) And while I've never been close to the person from yesterday, there are dynamics in attempting to relate to both of them that for me that are very similar. Maybe that's why I went into the fray. I'm going to this EFT workshop on Friday (third time's a charm for trying to learn this, I have something to work with this time) maybe I can clear some of this out of me. Break behavioral patterns that don't serve me well. Because even if it wasn't personal, I don't think I should be the acceptable target to release all of your anger and frustration at the world. I'm not your scapegoat. I'm not an object. I'm a person that liked you. I'm not the enemy.

We only have five more rehearsals before run-thru. Hardly feels like enough time. I really need to work on the physical stuff (and there's a lot), and the two pages of overlapping dialogue which we need to get the timing down on. There's a lot of work. Incidently, the kissing was no big deal, and believable...so, that's something. Now for everything else.

I'm an idiot

Spent most of the day sick to my stomach for a response to something I said earlier. Felt like I was being shouted angrily at, and essentially, we're on the same side of the issue. Later, person said it wasn't personal, or something to that effect, which I'll accept, but it had still felt like they were ripping me a new asshole, partially, from strength of response, and partially from it being the most they have ever responded to me about anything.  I don't want to be like the kid who provokes an adult to get a response because even a negative response is better than none. I've said nice things that went unnoticed. I don't need another angry "parent" figure. I've attempted to avoid that most of my life, so why the hell am I falling into that now? Really need to think about what I say more. Or who I say it to.

And it's not really about whomever the other person happens to be, it's more that it triggers in me cowering, like a dog expecting at any minute to be hit...and sometimes I catch myself walking around that way. Like always being afraid I'm going to get laid-off or have my rent raised beyond what I can afford. Like at those moments, I'm not standing on anything remotely like solid ground. As if the people with the power can change the rules at any time they like without notice. And I forget about it, thinking it's not an issue anymore until something brings it up again. Sigh.

Blank, again

Channelling my eleven-year old self: "Today was Tuesday, nothing much happened today." Day after day because I wanted to keep a diary, but I was too afraid to write anything down, or to even let myself entertain that idea, lest anyone read it.

Actually, a friend had an extra ticket to Das Barbecü in Concert, which is a short, staged, reading/concert version of the fourth part of Wagner's Ring Cycle, based in Texas. Apparently, they pulled this performance together in less than two weeks. Surprisingly affecting emotionally; the relationships were believable, the singing/music was great, and  the comedy worked. I enjoyed it. Now I know how the story ends, but not the rest of it (since I'm not very familiar with the actual Ring Cycle story.)

I thought of something about my character earlier, I really need to write this stuff down. I was trying to take on some of her physical aspects while walking around work. Commit to the physical action; make big, interesting shapes; figure out what I want, and get it. There was a level of comedic commitment in these actors tonight that I appreciated. I want to get there. The distance is getting shorter, but I haven't quite bridged the gap yet, maybe touched at it in clown, but not in any way consistently.

After work

Went and got a massage after work, was slightly late because I was explaining what Shuttle Express was to someone that needed to get to the airport in the morning. The therapist had calluses on his fingers which felt like sandpaper in my armpit, I so, just wasn't breathing. He spent so much time working on my neck, jaw, face and arms that he rushed through working around my shoulder blades (the thing that was bothering me, but everything hurt) and shoved his weight into the knots around my shoulders so hard that I ended up with these super deep lines all the way down my face from below my eyes to my jawline where my face dug into the head rest. I waited a little while before I walked outside, but I still think I looked like I had some scarification on my face. I walked between some kids sitting on either side of the sidewalk and as I passed them one asked if I wanted to hear a joke, when I said "no" he then asked if I wanted to make out with him. I'll take that as a compliment. (It wasn't asked in a creepy way.) I'm probably twice his age, even if I look young. (I did say "no" by the way, and "thanks for asking.")

I went to go water. On the bus this other kid was listening to his headphones. He started moving from seat to seat, and then pulling the stops and going as if to get off the bus, but then leaning to look out the windows and doors and at who was on the bus, but not getting off. Eventually, he ended up really close to the driver, kinda' dancing in the space between the driver and the door. It would be weird any day, but a driver got shot this morning, so it was weird at how much he was in the driver's space. I noticed he had a white band on his arm, and the bus goes by a hospital...maybe he was coming off painkillers or something. Totally in his own universe. I got off before he did.

Got a few ripe tomatoes, I think. Again, I'm not sure what they look like ripe, but picked them anyway. (These are orangy-red with green streaks) Right before I was finished watering, the crows started making a ruckus. I figured they'd found a hawk or owl or something. I half-looked and saw a lumpy shape in the trees. I walked over underneath the trees as I was leaving. I stood there and looked up at the "lump" which turned out to be a barred owl, I think. When I got there, the crows left, and the owl eventually turned it's head forward and then looked down at me. Then, satisfied, it pulled up it's foot and scratched at it's face and groomed itself, occasionally re-making eye contact with me. I waved good-bye to it and left. Always cool to make contact with wildlife. (Am glad it didn't swoop down at me.) http://www.owlpages.com/image.php?image=species-Strix-varia-18
This is a link to an owl picture with it's leg showing. I think they have cool-looking legs.

When I was almost home, a couple of Great Blue Herons circled overhead, squawking to each other. I haven't gone birding in a while, I suppose they are coming to me today.

Oh, and we are supposed to give the names and email addresses of our two guests plus which show they are coming to for the performance by noon tomorrow...I haven't a clue. It's such short notice. I didn't even know what time the show was at officially.

Breathe...this post sounds frantic, even to me.

Spider in my hair

Walked to and from clown meeting, only three of us showed up, but we decided to try to pull something together with our group since we just had a bonding experience. We have the option of meeting with another group, and all three of us were also open to doing that. I think there needs to be a critical mass.

When I finally got back home, I looked in the bathroom mirror and realized I had a wood spider hanging off of my ear. I walked through some trees about an hour ago, wonder how long it had been on my head? I did make an involuntary scream-like sound and knock it off of me when I saw it, but then put it outside. We have another one in a kitchen cabinet. That one is getting large, it really shouldn't be in the house.

Great Blue Heron/L. Herlevi 2013

I was having my once-every-few-month's freak out this morning. I'm fine now, emotionally.

I passed a soccer match on my way home, the blowing whistle of the referee drifted and dissipated like smoke. What I want from this continued practice is connection with the audience, and that I can figure out how to improve both that and the way I exit, keeping the energy of the stage; figure out why it doesn't register now. Keep the vulnerability open-it's hard won. That's my number one reason for wanting to continue doing this work on a regular basis. I commented to the other two today that there was a point that I almost lost it in class, but George backed away from it, he must've sensed he'd hit something. I think I woulda' cried all night had he not changed the tactic. Very grateful. That said, might very well come up in Meisner. Related to what came up in singing class, and I cried for a couple of days after that.

I was panicking earlier today because I don't have enough character work done for the play. I'll have to make my best guess, there isn't alot of background info in the play itself. Need to be in agreement with scene partner regarding ages, how we met, where we are from, etc, and then write in my own backstory. I need a reason, or I'm only reacting to what she (scene partner) does, which might be a bit shallow. She's (my character) got her reasons for why the scene is taking place...I need to find them. Soon. (My mom just called, to ask me how the clown class went and to tell me she saw a picture of a protester that looked like me. I told her about the play. She laughed. I would invite her if she lived here. She also asked me how I was going to use the clown...worth considering an answer for, I didn't have one to give. Still digesting.)

What keeps me up at night

My shoulders are achy. I wonder if getting a massage would help or make it worse? I guess if it makes it better it's my posture (plus all those bags I've been dragging around) and not my immune system. It's hard to tell, my fear (always underlying, sometimes almost indetectable) is that things are progressing. For the past 6 1/2 years this has stayed in my right hand and wrist. I keep trying to come up with a career or job I can do to support myself if it gets worse, second jobs I used to be able to do, I can't anymore. I know there are plenty of jobs, I just don't know how I get into them. Most of the work I've done has been physical; I've never had a job that mostly used my mind, which is interesting. I don't know how to get those. Keeps me up at night, but then again, I've been trying to figure out what to do for a living since I moved away from home, long before this ever started. It's another one of my "blocks" (limited thinking) I'm trying to get through or around, maybe I should get a life coach. I'm thinking too narrowly. I'm not unique, everyone's got something.

Saturday-long rehearsal day

Thunderstorms rolled through for half of the night. They were far away, though I could see the flashes of light through the window blinds. The time in between the light and sound was long. It's quiet now, and damp. Supposedly really humid again, but I can't feel that now. Need to leave for rehearsal shortly. Don't know if I should bring my winter clothes, we aren't scheduled to work the second act, but maybe we will have time, plus I can always work with my scene partner, though she won't be there until the afternoon. At least the air has cooled down because of the storms. Maybe it won't be too hot in the rehearsal space. I could always mark them and leave them there, then I won't have to drag them around all the time. Gotta get moving.

Well, no work on Act II, but we worked transitions, and I sit in the background of one of the scenes, so needed to be in the studio. If anything, the studio was more stuffy than usual, muggy after the storms. Ate pizza during the break, right before we did a run-thru of Act I.  The pizza made me want to curl up in a fetal position, but had to sit up on the side of the stage for the next two hours. I don't know if it's the cheese or the wheat, I suspect the cheese. Need to remember to bring my own food to rehearsal. We will run the whole thing on Wednesday, I'll need to be off-book. I pretty much am, trying to work out the physical stuff I have to do, in a mirror, and get my diction down.

We're supposed to have more thunderstorms this afternoon/evening. I was going to go check out an art walk, but I'm still sick to my stomach from the pizza. So I don't know, will see how I feel in an hour. It smells like something is burning, hope it's not my computer.

Friday night, an act of habit in trying to find something to say

Went to one of the free shows tonight, ate dinner with friends there. It was warm, the falling light was a warm pinkish glow, the music was good, and there was a big, happy mass of humanity. Later there was an art show projected onto the fountain, but it wasn't quite dark enough for it when we were leaving. It'll play one more time. (It reminds me of when I was a kid and we'd go camping in the North Cascades and drive to Newhalem at dusk to walk the trails and look at the "colorful waterfalls," as we called them. They had pointed colored lights on the trails and the waterfalls. I still stop there if I'm in the vicinity. It's where the North Cascade Highway closes for the winter; on the west side.) I like how many people play in the fountain, getting soaked or just sit around on the edge and watch it, while music plays. They were letting the water blast out like a cannon in random sequence. It all makes me happy. Summers are why people live here. (January and February are gloomy, dark and rough, unless you ski and there's snow.)

Right now I'm finding it easier to connect without words, but need to integrate all this movement and clown stuff with someone else's words and directions and make it real for me. It'll be easier off book. Maybe it would help if I figured out what the story arc is without the words. I don't think we will work our scene tomorrow, but I should be ready anyway.  We need to run it more, we have more blocking than most of the other scenes.

Meeting with a bunch of clowns on Sunday, but not sure what we are doing. We want to try to keep the momentum going. Something was definitely starting to happen, and you have to keep working, practicing. I've fallen off a lot of the Movement stuff, there are a few things I do most of the time, but I'm not practicing much of the balancing exercises anymore. I make excuses because I'm tired or my hand hurts, but those were true before and I practiced then anyway. I've fallen off almost all of  the voice stuff, mostly because the ENT doc told me not to do anything. I'll try to remember this fall, or take the class again. I'm slightly braver.

Watching doors shut, slightly demoralized, but they weren't the right ones. They need to shut. In the book Art and Fear they comment on the idea that if you chase two rabbits, you catch neither. I don't even want to chase rabbits. I can't endlessly keep my options open, at some point I have to decide and act on that. Let it fail if it will, but if you never enter the battle, you might always be safe, but you never get to know what it is to win outright. I need to let myself win, or go down fightin'.

Answers

And if in answer to my request, someone sent me a blog post link to a student's experience with Meisner as well as a response from the instructor about how much outside time is expected (it's a little less than we thought.) Altogether, it's slightly less commitment than when I was doing Clown and R & P together, albeit, that was two weeks, and this will be nine months. I just need some free singing nights, the program can have my full weekends and other nights.

I'm having an influx of clarifying information coming into my thoughts and attention, I need to write it down. In part, they are answers, but answers as thoughts or words (regarding personal snootiness, ego, advice, things similar to family dynamics, etc.) They don't mean anything if I don't do anything with them and forget them. I will write them down somewhere. I don't really know what to do with the information. How do you integrate words, personal truths into your body, into your life?

And everyone has become only 1 degree of separation. It's always surprising to me how an encounter can change the path of your life...where will any of it lead?

Raccoons, but no shooting stars

Tired. The air was still warm when we got out of rehearsal, but there was a low-hanging coolness that smelled of the sea. It even managed to work it's way into the tunnel. I caught the third bus because I missed the first and the second was late and doesn't go close enough at this hour. Even though my bus was 10 minutes behind that one, it caught up because it didn't have to pick anyone up.

I looked for shooting stars as I walked home. Saw the Big Dipper, it's one of three constellations I can identify, the other two being the Little Dipper and Orion, but no shooting stars. As I got closer to home, I saw two mid-sized raccoons lumping their way across the busy street, moving toward my house. I like them, from a distance.

We worked our scene tonight. It's longer and has a lot more blocking than I thought. It was very hot: the play takes place in winter and we had winter clothing on, and the rehearsal space was hot. Two of my shirts were soaked. I really need to get my lines down, it was hard to block holding a script. We need to be off-book by next rehearsal. The kissing is not my biggest issue, I have other things I need to work on that will be harder, but the physical training is proving helpful, it's good that they overlapped.

Also, need to talk to more people about the Meisner year. I don't have a good sense of what exactly it offers (compared to other training), if it's what I need, and what the actual time committment is. And with the latter, I am willing to give up the rest of my life for the next nine months, but I want to know I'm getting the training that's right for me at this time, that will move me forward. (The things I will give up are important to me-such as singing, and I barely see anyone outside of work or school now.) I question this because doing more clown and improv might be more helpful for me, it's what has helped me this year. Although, I need to work on speaking, and there are other aspects of working with text that I managed to not get that other people have, and my director has to explain to me what he's talking about. (The curriculum needs to be more uniform overall.) I spoke briefly with someone that dropped out of Meisner, he made me concerned about outside committment requirements, but again, I need to talk to more people. I'm less than 99% sure now.  I remember now that in every course evaluation I filled out over the past year I added that they should offer clown again. Still don't remember why.

I'm hungry, and I'm somehow craving tartar sauce with dill in it...must be the picture of a fish I just saw.

I got a notice from the library that I got the book back. The same book. The next day.

Here's a link to Star Sign by Teenage Fanclub (sounds a bit wonky)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw49UgKoZnQ

Tuesday evening, reading

Listening to the radio, attempting to write updates on the other neglected blogs. Afterwork, I went to MOD Pizza and read another hundred pages of David Copperfield before returning it, past due, to the library. It was almost 90 degrees but with a pleasant breeze when I left work. I was sitting on the patio area and was visited by a wasp/hornet-type creature. It really wanted my pizza. I tossed it a piece of meat in hopes of it leaving  me alone, and eventually it began to gnaw off bits of that and fly off, to return and do it again. Kinda' interesting. I generally prefer it when they don't bite me.

The sun was a warm, low-slanted glow. A tannish dog with a long face, lay on the sidewalk, tied to a bike rack, waiting to be returned to. It's mouth open in a panting smile, the hairs on it's lower jaw a bright halo in the early evening light.  Walking home, I turned to see a man chase a car and stand in traffic, oblivious to the cars around him, and then passed block party after block party, remembering it was the block party night across the city. My neighborhood never seems to do one, but I could have gone to the one near work, I got a notice about it, but I forgot, plus I didn't have anything to bring.

I was starting to get a headache by the time I left work. I drank water and beer (not the brightest choice) and I still have the headache, but because of the beer, I'm waiting to take anything for it. I suspect I'm dehydrated.  Now, I'm much more into the book, and will have to wait. (I get lost in the writing, it helps me to stop my involuntary (completely involuntary) swooning over him, whom my brain is determined to no longer be into, but apparently my heart isn't listening. The thing is, nothing will come of it, but it's not ego-based for me, whereas with a lot of the other men I meet, not all, it's more about I like that they like me. With him, I just like him. And I like that about me. So, maybe it's all about me. Shrug.)  Maybe I'll get the book again in-between quarters. The show is the weekend after Labor Day, I also have my audition for the scholarship that week. I need to write my application and work on a monologue. They say it should be something I love, but I don't know enough to really love any. I just haven't read enough, lately. I read alot of plays when I was in my early 20's, but that was awhile ago, and I'm not sure I loved any of those anyway, plus I'm older. I guess I'll look this week. I'd rather have one ready than pull something together at the last minute. Plus the application, ahhh, how will this change my life? How will this move me forward? Yeah, need to digest that one. More script work now. It's later than I thought.

Too much empty garden space

Parts of the bottom of my feet feel raw and hot from the shoes I had on earlier, I didn't even walk much in them. I actually went barefoot for awhile, in the grass. I was thinking it's funny that I have a different standard for things when I travel, including hiking, than I do when I'm in my hometown. I'm completely aware of the switch in thinking, but I still make the distinction. I will walk barefoot more when I travel; I will use barely clean silverware (meaning not actually cleaned); I will eat stuff I've been carrying around all day (that should have been refrigerated); my levels of what I consider "sanitary" go out the window. I'm not sure why. Anyway, I was thinking that I hardly ever walk around barefoot  here, and almost always do when I travel...there is the factor that it feels good on sore feet to be barefoot, and when I travel, I often have sore feet. I walk alot.

Went to water, not sure if the beans are gonna make it. The rain last week helped, but only a couple have sprouted, and something ate most of those leaves off. Half my garden is bare, I really need to get something to grow, it's hard to even find seeds in the stores, they say it's too late in the season to start from seeds. I ate an almost ripe tomato, because I never get them. It was good, a little bit sour, but good. One of the plants has some sorta' wilt, I picked off those "branches" and am hoping it's slow to spread. I have six tomato plants and one jalepeño, which is also miraculously producing. I need to look up what these tomatoes are supposed to look like when ripe 'cos I have no idea. I always buy the weird ones.  I have an affinity for unusual plant cultivars, and they are less likely to get pilferred.  I'll give them away anyway (I probably can't eat them anymore), but I want to pick them. I want to have the experience seeing something I grew ripen. Plants grow in spite of me. The only things I've actually gotten to grow well are: artichokes, cauliflower (don't understand that one-should be difficult, but grows for me), and turban squash (it was beautiful)...oh, and parsley.

Dang! That's actually a blister, and my clown skirt smell like unpleasant laundry detergent. No, I have never washed it, I wore so much under it, I didn't think it mattered, and I spent all my quarters washing dark clothes. Time to memorize lines, I think. I hope the spider I just lifted out of the bathtub doesn't pay me a visit. It momentarily meandered off in a different direction.  I know they're here, but I prefer not to see them in my room.

Monday-the world is resting

Forty minutes late for work this morning. I missed the regular bus as I was between stops when it passed by, and then all the others came at the same time, which was late. Apparently, an intersection was blocked and everything was re-routed, and then people weren't sure if they wanted to get on the bus or not, at most of the stops. An odd, slow commute. I probably coulda' walked almost as fast.  I need to get myself out the door earlier.

For the record, I'm not burned out now, that was before. I'm trying to navigate through and find a balance in my life now so that I don't fall into that pattern of overextending and losing myself again.  Not a good place to be, and it took a long time to realize that there was another choice, or choices. There were things I knew, but over the weekend I feel like I got a cosmic smack on the side of my head. It was the accumulation of recent experiences and reading and some podcast stuff I listened to...I hope it sticks. A whole new round of letting go, if only that got easier.

The branches are shaking hard on just one of the trees outside, as if it were being blasted by a very directional breeze, and one lone, sooty-colored bird plopping itself down from branch to branch that I can't get a good glimpse of . And now the shaking has suddenly stopped. Curious. Earlier I thought it was a perfect August morning, the light, the air temperature, the stillness; the holding of one moment a little bit longer before diving headlong into the next thing: the final burst of life and then the dormancy of winter.

Sunday

Both of the choirs are singing again this month. The Finnish choir's event coincides with a long play rehearsal day so I can't go, but I might go to the (singing) rehearsal anyway. I like singing with them, and it's been a few months since we've met. I know we have a meeting coming up about our future (we don't have a director anymore), but I want to sing. I like singing, and I need to use the language.  Everything is mixed up in my head, I try to come up with the transalation for something and I think of a word, but can't remember what language the word is in. The joys of remembering several languages only partially. I can make the other choir's event, that's in a couple of weeks, doesn't conflict with anything.

The pain in my arm is finally calming down. If it was at a 6 or 7 yesterday, it's closer to a 1 now, and that's good, 'cos it's usually worse first thing in the morning. I took the medicine yesterday. I hate having to, it freaks me out, but it does help with the ability to function and my magical thinking does not. Still, I want to heal the underlying physical issues that make it worse, the medicine only manages the symptoms, it's not a cure. One of my massage therapists was telling me about a woman that works with diet, but I keep forgetting her name. It's a fairly radical change. I find for me, those work better if I have someone looking over my shoulder, I'm not good at making major changes on my own. It's why I'm always taking classes, I learn more when I'm accountable to someone else. I don't have a lot of self-discipline. It's also why I write everyday, and make myself meditate, even if it's boring (sorry!). I'm trying to stay in the habit of doing it. If I stop, I'll just keep making excuses of why not I don't need to do it today, or ever.

And I realize it's a two-way street: I need to stop being in the background of my own life; if I want support or attention, I need to mention it. (There will be people who don't need to be reminded of that, but plenty that do, so might as well get used to mentioning it. Yeah, it's hard.) I've seen that switch even with my family, the support surprised me. It wasn't that they didn't want to give it, and only take it from me, it's that they might not have realized I needed it. Funny how that works. And Capricorns are said to come across as self-sufficient when we really need support and attention, and frivolity, I might add. I thought I was being selfish, and yet, they were genuinely happy for me. Proud of me. (And George, clown class, mentioned the need to accept what you've earned, to take it and not deflect it or walk away before accepting it. And you know, when you've lived your life with the belief that, you know I'm not sure how to word this, maybe that your life is to be in service of others, it's hard to let yourself take the attention, 'cos it's not supposed to be about you. It's a weird message.  You know, it has to be about you at some level, or you just burn out.  And I burned out.)

Wondering about ability to love

I've been trying to figure out my own motivations for falling so hard for someone who very well might not be able to love back. Sometimes I feel like he's trying so hard to appear as someone lovable and that all those impulses might really be there, but sometimes it seems he really can't be bothered to sincerely care about other people. It's an interesting dichotomy, or is everyone like that, and I just haven't noticed before? I sincerely hope for him, that he can find and return whatever it is he's looking for. That he can believe he deserves it for real.  Anyway, I've been trying to break my own patterns of falling for men I won't have to commit to, because they will never commit to me. What am I so afraid of? How did we all end up so damaged, and what was the inner resiliency of the people who didn't? I've been working on it this year.

And in thinking that I often fall for men who can't or don't want to (same result in the end) love me, I remembered that much earlier in life, I did love someone (okay, more than one) without any fatal flaws (red flags.) The flaws he had then were nothing that were intolerable, more quirks that could be lived around. I, on the other hand, had plenty of fatal flaws at the time, which is partially why it didn't work out. But even in the state of my most basket-case existence, I was able to choose someone pretty darn centered and healthy (and he hadn't had an easy life either, but he had a good disposition somehow.) (And during the same period of time, I had a friend that loved me fiercely without any strings attached. I don't think I've been loved that much by anyone else in my entire life. I certainly needed it then. I've often thought it was a shame I didn't feel any physical attraction...we made a good team. He loved me as a human being, it wasn't a physical relationship. I loved him, too, though not romantically.) So, I am capable of it, what happened in the intervening years that made me so ambivalent?

And yet, I do think I have the capacity to love, but I now want someone who wants to know me, it can't be all one-sided. I can't be expected to exist only to adore him, without a return in sentiment.  I know it sounds silly, but why would I fall for someone who barely can be bothered to take an interest in me? That I became so elated if he paid any attention...screw it, I want more than that now. I'm interesting, too.  And as I said earlier, I'm not begging anymore.  I mean that this time. I don't want that life. I know this is really personal, but only a couple of people read it, and you've already read all the other personal stuff. The rest are spam hits.

(I think there might be a bunch of clowns outside my house, for real. Seafair.) I will try to have better sentence structure from here on out. I'm capable of that, too.

Need groceries

But I don't feel like going right now. I just want to say that it's funny that I'm way more concerned about my breath kissing a girl than I ever am kissing a guy...what's up with that? It might be because I know I will kiss her, because it's in the script, whereas when I'm on a date with a guy, I don't necessarily know that I will. It's interesting. I was like, "oh, shit. I shouldn't have had coffee."

And for the record, ain't no glamour in making art. Lots of repetition of scales, dance moves, lines spoken, lines drawn, pots thrown, film developed, cleaning of brushes, interviews and drafts and rewrites, etc. Maybe a brief interlude to burn or shine, and then back to the grind or to waiting for it to be your turn. (And the pay is lousy, for the amount of work done.) It's like any other job. But you do it because you have to. Something inside would rather die than not do it. And if you have to do it, there are moments where some part of you is fully alive like it is in no other moment. So you plod on.

Three hours until rehearsal

Barely got any of the script memorized, I don't know if we will work on our scene today or not, it's the last one, but we will probably all be in the room for the whole six hours. I thought I heard birds singing a little while ago, but when I opened my window, there was only silence. Some geese had flown over in the distance, and a baby crow cawed across the street once or twice, and then a truck rattled past, but no robins or sparrows are singing here now.

There are these free late afternoon (live music) shows on Friday nights in August at Seattle Center. I was gonna go last night, but thought it would be better if I worked on memorizing my lines, plus I'm still really tired and I wanted a nap. I ended up reading about half of Art and Fear, and then came home to take a nap, but didn't get back up until now. I've got three hours. There's not really alot of text, the script is kinda' cluttered with so much stage direction that it's hard to find the lines. I've actually crossed most of it out. I want to get the lines down though, so I can work on the changes, figure out what I want moment to moment (I think we decided there were 20 beats.) I'm not sure what I want overall, I must want something. The lines feel reactionary, not assertive. The play is about love, in a general sense, so that would be a big overriding theme, but not specific in the scene.  I know I just said I wasn't going to discuss the show, but all this is so general to any process, it's not specific about this rehearsal and show.

I need to journal too, to figure out more about my character. I can't hold a pen right now, which is why I'm typing, my hand is really bad this morning: swollen, painful, has been most of the week. I need to find a doctor I can work on this food intolerance thing with. There have to be foods that don't freak out my immune system. I think I know what set this off, but I don't know how to heal it. I know it's possible, but I want to find someone that knows what they are doing, that regularly works with this. The regular doctors only offer drugs, which work on the symptoms, but that's not exactly the same as being healed.

Rainy Friday

I just got my lunch for free because the computer system to pay wasn't working correctly. I am grateful.

And while I'm still open if he were to decide to love me, I'm off of my knees (finally.) I'm not waiting anymore.

And now that we are into the rehearsal process, I'm not going to talk about the show anymore, unless it's vaguely about my own emotional process.

Finito

Okay, so clown is over. For the final exercise, my partner and I ended up going last. I said to someone else, "how do you go after that?" (about the ones before. What is there left to do? It was like when I was a little kid, maybe four or five years old, I thought that I'd better hurry up and write songs because there are only so many notes, and everything will be done already. Well, there are an infinity of choices still to be made.) She said, "forget about it." I was imagining a story, my "as if", and it went alright. (I didn't tell my partner; that wasn't the point.) It was just a starting place for me to walk out, whatever happened after that was free to happen. I did enter and exit with same idea though. The exercise was: 1) entrance, 2) shift/change, 3) exit. I didn't know what would happen in the middle section, I just tried to connect with my exercise partner. I can share that without breaking any trust, it's a basic exercise. It was hard to keep it "clown" and not go into "acting." I was trying to stay connected to my partner, and "clown" would include the audience, "acting" not necessarily. And I think everything made sense for a moment. It was a very sweet (the improv, in general), but also a cummulative, way to end the class. (And it didn't involve shame or failure.) Incidently, in trying to juggle: clown, connection with audience, acting on impulse, energy levels, connection with partners, failing, etc...I haven't a clue who my clown is at this point but...the actress (as well as the person) is expanding. The options have grown exponentially...and that is worth every penny and every second spent here. (And what I wanted from the class.  Maybe I will make people laugh someday, but that wasn't the point for me.) And so yes, I'll reiterate the statement that this was one of the best decisions I've made for me.