Almost 90 degrees now and I have to go catch a bus to my exit interview. I hope there is air conditioning. Think my laundry might be dry now. Put it back out at 7 am, and last time I check, there were still damp spots (though my jeans had dried, go figure.) The man at the coffee shop put orange rind in my coffee ("by accident") even though I only paid for a mocha, I wanted enough to give him a tip.
Supposed to meet friends for bowling after I meet with my instructor. I'll try to remember to only eat and drink water. Been drinking alcohol a lot more than usual lately (past couple of months.) It was less than one drink a week, and now it's closer, not quite, one drink a day. I don't have any addiction issues, but don't feel the need to develop any either. I want to be able to focus on the art and not life drama. (When I was younger doing this, there was a lot of life drama, not just for me. It's a distraction.) I want to be present for myself and whomever I am working with, courageous, and to work hard. And I want to keep my sanity and groundedness throughout it all. Gotta go.
Happy Pride Day, by the way.
Bowling alley thankfully air-conditioned and less humid than outside. I realize I release the bowling ball with my hand turned palm-down, which makes it really slow. It's weird, I'll start the right way, but then flip my hand over at the last second. I was thinking I might be protecting the injured wrist, but I suspect I've done this for a while. Less than 100, but more than 70. No strikes nor spares, woulda' tried left-handed but was afraid of hitting someone by accident.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Sunday with a side of tears
The Continental Restaurant on the Ave in the University District is serving it's last meals today. I heard about it on the radio this morning and so went down early. Probably arrived around 8-ish. It was already full and there was a line snaking outside and along the windows toward Starbucks. Got a seat just before 10, left close to 11, by which time, the line was all contained inside the restaurant. When I was paying, I saw there was a guest book by the register, but I started to cry and so I just walked out. http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2021291093_greekavexml.html
I went on one of my first dates in Seattle in 1987 to the U-District. It was dark, both of us were from small towns, there was a lot of frantic energy on the streets and I was nervous. We probably tried to go the Last Exit (a coffee shop frequented by the free-spirited and which had a fabulous open-night mic on Mondays), and we probably went to Cellophane Square and maybe Peaches (both record stores at the time), I can't recall. I do know that we ended up at the Continental and ordered greek coffee, because it sounded exciting (neither of us actually drank coffee. I didn't drink coffee regularly until I was 25.) It was unexpectedly (to us) gritty, we added sugar and drank it. We were probably wired for days. I dropped out of college shortly after that, and moved to Wallingford with my sister. I walked daily into the U-District and read poetry while sitting in the aisles of Walden's (which was also on the Ave then.) My sister and I would go to the Continental and each have a cup of faki (lentil soup) and split an order of greek fries. Sometimes they would add rice to the soup for us. (We were both vegetarian at the time.) It's still my favorite lentil soup. And I had it for the last time today. No one else makes it that good. They were out of greek fries, and bacon, and decaf, this morning. Someone told me they had to close down for a few hours yesterday because they ran out of food, and because the kitchen was overwhelmed, as they were this morning, I'm sure. I've never seen it this busy, people coming by for one last meal; to say good-bye and to pay respects. I got half of a frappe,
they were just about out of Nescafe, I got the last of it. I don't know any place else in town that has them on the menu, and I wanted one last drink of it. (It's an iced drink made with Nescafe and milk.)
Over the years I've frequented the Continental fairly regularly, often alone (it was one of the places I learned to be comfortable dining by myself) but also with friends, co-workers, my sister. I will miss it. There is no other place like it in the U-District. It was community for everyone, and after this afternoon, it's gone.
I went on one of my first dates in Seattle in 1987 to the U-District. It was dark, both of us were from small towns, there was a lot of frantic energy on the streets and I was nervous. We probably tried to go the Last Exit (a coffee shop frequented by the free-spirited and which had a fabulous open-night mic on Mondays), and we probably went to Cellophane Square and maybe Peaches (both record stores at the time), I can't recall. I do know that we ended up at the Continental and ordered greek coffee, because it sounded exciting (neither of us actually drank coffee. I didn't drink coffee regularly until I was 25.) It was unexpectedly (to us) gritty, we added sugar and drank it. We were probably wired for days. I dropped out of college shortly after that, and moved to Wallingford with my sister. I walked daily into the U-District and read poetry while sitting in the aisles of Walden's (which was also on the Ave then.) My sister and I would go to the Continental and each have a cup of faki (lentil soup) and split an order of greek fries. Sometimes they would add rice to the soup for us. (We were both vegetarian at the time.) It's still my favorite lentil soup. And I had it for the last time today. No one else makes it that good. They were out of greek fries, and bacon, and decaf, this morning. Someone told me they had to close down for a few hours yesterday because they ran out of food, and because the kitchen was overwhelmed, as they were this morning, I'm sure. I've never seen it this busy, people coming by for one last meal; to say good-bye and to pay respects. I got half of a frappe,
 |
| Frappe/L Herlevi 2013 |
Over the years I've frequented the Continental fairly regularly, often alone (it was one of the places I learned to be comfortable dining by myself) but also with friends, co-workers, my sister. I will miss it. There is no other place like it in the U-District. It was community for everyone, and after this afternoon, it's gone.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
All afternoon at a car show
Looking back, I see a massive wave of humanity stretching for the couple of miles of the car show when I reached one end of it. After I dropped my film off I spent a few hours wandering around in the hot sun, hot pavement, heat reflecting off of all the shiny metal. My favorite sights were the travel trailers (USA made) from the 1930's and the tiny German cars from the 1950's, one of which opened up from the very front. Almost shot another entire roll of film on the Holga, thought it'd be boring if they were all car shots, I wanted dog pictures, no good reason for that. One temp thing said 93 degrees, and the official ones say 85. I might be a little sunburned, camera and film got quite hot. Now waiting for wash to finish so I can put it outside to dry. I don't think I have enough quarters to use dryer, and it's too hot in the house anyway. Was wanting to meet up with friends tonight and tomorrow night. Tonight will kinda' depend on where, tomorrow, I have no excuse: it's close enough to the exit interview.
Ate posole (didn't burn my mouth) without thinking that it was already hot enough without it. Really like it. There was a slight breeze there, too. But still, was sweating buckets: the air was hot, and the soup was hot as well as spicy. Feel pretty good now though. Crud, can't remember when he said film would be ready. Either Wednesday or Friday, Thursday is a holiday. I'll have to take off of work to pick it up, or borrow a car, they close at 5 pm. Still waiting. Sitting in the basement, lights off, windows open and listening to KEXP and the continual drone of passing cars quickly heading toward the freeway only to get stuck in traffic there. It's a Guadalcanal Diary song moment. (Oh, I guess they were actually from Marietta, Georgia, but were generally said to be from Athens at the time.) Six degrees of separation, but this is the only Journey song I like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMD8hBsA-RI (Faithfully.) Can't remember which song linked to this one.
Ended up going to West Seattle to meet with some friends from high school. Thankfully, two of them insisted on giving me a ride home, I didn't realize how late it was. Probably would've taken one-and-a-half hours at least by bus, because of time of night and transfers, what took maybe 20 minutes by car. So, thank you!
And in spite of it being 85 degrees earlier, my laundry was not dry when I checked it at 11 pm. Now, what do I do with all this damp laundry for tonight? Not leaving it outside, and there are ants in the living room. All over the carpet. Tried vacuuming them up earlier, I don't know what they are after. They are taking a strange route, not going toward the kitchen or the garbage, just circling around, and they are tiny, very hard to see if they weren't moving. It's gross.
Ate posole (didn't burn my mouth) without thinking that it was already hot enough without it. Really like it. There was a slight breeze there, too. But still, was sweating buckets: the air was hot, and the soup was hot as well as spicy. Feel pretty good now though. Crud, can't remember when he said film would be ready. Either Wednesday or Friday, Thursday is a holiday. I'll have to take off of work to pick it up, or borrow a car, they close at 5 pm. Still waiting. Sitting in the basement, lights off, windows open and listening to KEXP and the continual drone of passing cars quickly heading toward the freeway only to get stuck in traffic there. It's a Guadalcanal Diary song moment. (Oh, I guess they were actually from Marietta, Georgia, but were generally said to be from Athens at the time.) Six degrees of separation, but this is the only Journey song I like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMD8hBsA-RI (Faithfully.) Can't remember which song linked to this one.
Ended up going to West Seattle to meet with some friends from high school. Thankfully, two of them insisted on giving me a ride home, I didn't realize how late it was. Probably would've taken one-and-a-half hours at least by bus, because of time of night and transfers, what took maybe 20 minutes by car. So, thank you!
And in spite of it being 85 degrees earlier, my laundry was not dry when I checked it at 11 pm. Now, what do I do with all this damp laundry for tonight? Not leaving it outside, and there are ants in the living room. All over the carpet. Tried vacuuming them up earlier, I don't know what they are after. They are taking a strange route, not going toward the kitchen or the garbage, just circling around, and they are tiny, very hard to see if they weren't moving. It's gross.
Morning, weekend, waiting for hot water
Waiting for hot water, water heater circuit blew. Fans running for the heat in the attic, circuits can't handle the extra power usage. Happens in the winter, too. I think I must just get sick from the smell of mold, it wasn't just those onions. Earlier this morning, I was washing everyone's dirty dishes (it's hot, it smells, and I don't want any more ants or fruit flies, I could send the spider up there...) and there was mold growing between things, totally disgusting. Made me heave again. Took it outside and sprayed it down with the hose.
I have to find something to put my 120 film in. I used to have a black bag, but I don't know what I did with it, been a long time since I've used it. The film is only covered in paper, so it's good to keep it in the dark. There's a car show up there this weekend (where the lab is.) The other lab does a great job, but they don't list their prices and they are a little snooty, although, they are giving a discount for film development for the Longshot thing. I could do it myself, only it's color and I need to have it scanned. I should go weed before it gets too hot. Supposed to be around 90 degrees for the next few days. Think I'll find something to attempt to write a haiku about, bad or otherwise. Practice is worth something. Incidentally, I have managed to keep my coffee consumption way down this week, by not drinking any after the morning is over. Maybe could go see the 14/48 show tonight, it's the last night. I had intended to go at some point, but totally fell off of my radar until now. (Got notices about it too, but have been off of Facebook for the most part, so didn't see them.) Just after 9 am now and already 70 degrees. I feel lazy.
I don't know where any of this (acting) will lead, but I was kinda' holding since I finished the pilgrimage thing (another odd want that I followed for years until it was played out. Well, maybe not entirely, but not at the top anymore. It's holding somewhere.) Wants come from somewhere deep inside, and if I said before that I wanted someone (God? the Universe?) to tell me what to do with my life, to write it in the sky, I never saw the message there. I was looking in the wrong place: it was already in my heart, but I dismissed that because it seemed frivolous and selfish. I spent years looking for answers that were already here, in a place I didn't look. In some ways, it's better to find this now, I'm a different person than I was at 21 (I love my 21-year old self, but I was a basket case; I was dealing with way too much pain), my emotional range is more available now. I know somewhat more about myself. And like I said last night, it doesn't matter where it leads, it matters more that I listen to it and follow it. Trust.
I have to find something to put my 120 film in. I used to have a black bag, but I don't know what I did with it, been a long time since I've used it. The film is only covered in paper, so it's good to keep it in the dark. There's a car show up there this weekend (where the lab is.) The other lab does a great job, but they don't list their prices and they are a little snooty, although, they are giving a discount for film development for the Longshot thing. I could do it myself, only it's color and I need to have it scanned. I should go weed before it gets too hot. Supposed to be around 90 degrees for the next few days. Think I'll find something to attempt to write a haiku about, bad or otherwise. Practice is worth something. Incidentally, I have managed to keep my coffee consumption way down this week, by not drinking any after the morning is over. Maybe could go see the 14/48 show tonight, it's the last night. I had intended to go at some point, but totally fell off of my radar until now. (Got notices about it too, but have been off of Facebook for the most part, so didn't see them.) Just after 9 am now and already 70 degrees. I feel lazy.
I don't know where any of this (acting) will lead, but I was kinda' holding since I finished the pilgrimage thing (another odd want that I followed for years until it was played out. Well, maybe not entirely, but not at the top anymore. It's holding somewhere.) Wants come from somewhere deep inside, and if I said before that I wanted someone (God? the Universe?) to tell me what to do with my life, to write it in the sky, I never saw the message there. I was looking in the wrong place: it was already in my heart, but I dismissed that because it seemed frivolous and selfish. I spent years looking for answers that were already here, in a place I didn't look. In some ways, it's better to find this now, I'm a different person than I was at 21 (I love my 21-year old self, but I was a basket case; I was dealing with way too much pain), my emotional range is more available now. I know somewhat more about myself. And like I said last night, it doesn't matter where it leads, it matters more that I listen to it and follow it. Trust.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Spider keeping me awake
I want to go to sleep but there is a large spider crawling up and falling down the wall near where I would put my head. Not sure where it's gotten to now, it fell again. Show tonight had enjoyable dancing, seemed a little jaded, most, not all, of the women were "teases." Only one love relationship seemed to go well, and she treated him like a dog (literally, he danced on all fours.) They all moved beautifully. And I liked that the women dancers had healthy-looking bodies. (Crud, the spider's back on the wall.) I was hungry, and while I generally enjoyed listening to the "observer" orate, I wanted it to end so I could leave (and go eat something, it had been about 10 hours since I'd eaten.) The choreographer made a comment (in answer to a question) that it had to do with the idealization of love, and how that can't turn out well (it's not real.) You have to look at the person across from you and recognize them as who they are and not what you want them to be, and figure out what type of relationship you can have based on who the two of you are together, and not on something you idealize (or something like that, it was hard to hear.) I was also irritated by how long the bus ride took, and by loud conversations (people not bothering to sit anywhere near each other, but shouting their conversations across the bus. Political opinions and health issues.) I wanted to scream, but of course, I didn't. Really low blood sugar. I've thought about taking dance classes from the company before, I think it was just too far away from where I live, so I opted not to. It's probably just one of those spiders that you can find near the bathtub drain, but it's hard to tell. At any rate, it's under my bed again, and I'm on the opposite corner, with my feet off of the floor.
Need to remember to drop off film for development tomorrow morning. Lab is only open in the morning. Next year, I'll try to be in the 14/48 festival, maybe in the fall I'll see if I can sign up for the Incubator series at Freehold, I want to direct, but not this year. I want to trust myself more before doing either of those things. Not actually sure if I should do the Meisner or if I should do a year of other stuff (auditioning, Shakespeare, improv, solo performance, camera), I see benefits of both, don't have the money nor the time to do both so have to decide. It all kinda' depends on how this summer goes. What I gain from it, what I learn, what stays with me. Meisner might be what I need, but it might not be, and it's a year where that's all I'm doing. I'll have to decide if I'll still sing in two choirs and if I can still do the Finnish lessons. It'll be another year without an outside life, but if it's the best option, I'll commit to it. Just haven't done that yet, and not ready to. Do want to keep options open for now.
I'm babbling now, still avoiding the spider. (And no, I don't intend to kill it.)
Need to remember to drop off film for development tomorrow morning. Lab is only open in the morning. Next year, I'll try to be in the 14/48 festival, maybe in the fall I'll see if I can sign up for the Incubator series at Freehold, I want to direct, but not this year. I want to trust myself more before doing either of those things. Not actually sure if I should do the Meisner or if I should do a year of other stuff (auditioning, Shakespeare, improv, solo performance, camera), I see benefits of both, don't have the money nor the time to do both so have to decide. It all kinda' depends on how this summer goes. What I gain from it, what I learn, what stays with me. Meisner might be what I need, but it might not be, and it's a year where that's all I'm doing. I'll have to decide if I'll still sing in two choirs and if I can still do the Finnish lessons. It'll be another year without an outside life, but if it's the best option, I'll commit to it. Just haven't done that yet, and not ready to. Do want to keep options open for now.
I'm babbling now, still avoiding the spider. (And no, I don't intend to kill it.)
Friday-Shine
Another quote because I like to be reminded of this and he says it so well.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that others won't feel small around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. That is not just some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsiously give other people permission to do the same. And as we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. " - Nelson Mandela.
Be the light you were born to be. It's not selfish. We all have something about us that is needed in the world and if we don't fully become ourselves, if we try to be what we believe someone else wants us to be, what we believe we "should" be, the gift that is us is lost, never given. Be you.
I was joking with someone last weekend about how we "control" the spontaneity and creativity and openness in children so thoroughly, to force them into a societal mold (some of which is necessary to function in a society), that we then have to spend our whole adult lives trying to get back to it.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that others won't feel small around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. That is not just some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsiously give other people permission to do the same. And as we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. " - Nelson Mandela.
Be the light you were born to be. It's not selfish. We all have something about us that is needed in the world and if we don't fully become ourselves, if we try to be what we believe someone else wants us to be, what we believe we "should" be, the gift that is us is lost, never given. Be you.
I was joking with someone last weekend about how we "control" the spontaneity and creativity and openness in children so thoroughly, to force them into a societal mold (some of which is necessary to function in a society), that we then have to spend our whole adult lives trying to get back to it.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
It's over now
"We would all like to be part of; to create that theatre which we could participate in with pride, on which we could reflect with pride. To do so one must buy a ticket. The price of admission is choice. Choice to participate in the low, the uncertain, the unproved, the unheralded, to bring the truth of yourself to the stage, not the groomed, sure, "Talented", approved person you are portraying, not the researched, corseted, paint-by-numbers presentation without flaws, not the Great Actor, but yourself, as uncertain, as unprepared, as confused as any of us are." -David Mamet
I like these people, it was a privilege to spend the past eleven weeks with them. To show up every week and pay a witness to the work done in private, the work done apart from one another. It went well, for everyone. I want to see how far it can go. 17 days until clown class. 19 days until interviews. 23 days until we work together again. Counting down. "To live truthfully under imaginary circumstances..." why should it matter, what difference does it make? Somehow it does though. Letting it all be open-ended, following the questions, the wants, out to wherever they lead, and trusting in the process. Trusting that where I am at this moment, is the right place for me to be.
I like these people, it was a privilege to spend the past eleven weeks with them. To show up every week and pay a witness to the work done in private, the work done apart from one another. It went well, for everyone. I want to see how far it can go. 17 days until clown class. 19 days until interviews. 23 days until we work together again. Counting down. "To live truthfully under imaginary circumstances..." why should it matter, what difference does it make? Somehow it does though. Letting it all be open-ended, following the questions, the wants, out to wherever they lead, and trusting in the process. Trusting that where I am at this moment, is the right place for me to be.
Spot has replaced the singing robin as an alarm clock
Woke up to the dripping of rain, sometime during the 4 am hour. A little later my new bird alarm called out: the robin has been superceded by Spot's rough-voiced singing, (and my computer is making a buzzing sound, can't be good. New thing.) Last class tonight. We ran thru lines last night in a park, someone had offered to let us use the last 1/2 hour of their studio time, but it was really hot and stuffy in the building. Dreamt about a group-therapy session where people were talking about this photographer I used to know, it was in a house, in the town I grew up in, on a street without sidewalks, and that had been covered in rocks and gravel because it needed repairs and there wasn't any money for it. (I must've had the radio on to a news station while I was sleeping-the transportation bill that would have covered infrastructure upkeep and repairs failed, so we will have cuts in transit, unrepaired roads and failing bridges. Short-sighted, it will costs much more to replace than maintain things. The radio is off now.) I probably need to get this computer looked at.
Still need to salvage my frying pan, I don't think I've cooked in over two weeks. I don't really have another one that works as well. I think about it every morning and then run out of time. I could at least wash it again and dry it on low heat, no time to stick it in the oven, and I don't have any lard or Crisco to treat it with. It's supposed to get into the 80's today, you'd never know that looking outside now. Lately, I only seem to be home long enough to sleep.
It was really stuffy in the building. Humidity at 92%...still great weather for plants. Still really high for here, in spite of being surrounded by water. There are figs ripening on trees now something that rarely happens here, even by October. Perhaps we are becoming sub-tropical. My window is fogged up, and it's open.
After lunch, humidity back up in the mid-80's, the cool pin-pricks of falling drizzle felt good. Window open again for some air flow. Think I might have encountered a raven and baby. Lower, scratchier voice than the regular crows, baby sounded different as well. They aren't usually hanging around in the city.
Ack. Almost time for an open rehearsal with an actual audience. Nerves.
Still need to salvage my frying pan, I don't think I've cooked in over two weeks. I don't really have another one that works as well. I think about it every morning and then run out of time. I could at least wash it again and dry it on low heat, no time to stick it in the oven, and I don't have any lard or Crisco to treat it with. It's supposed to get into the 80's today, you'd never know that looking outside now. Lately, I only seem to be home long enough to sleep.
It was really stuffy in the building. Humidity at 92%...still great weather for plants. Still really high for here, in spite of being surrounded by water. There are figs ripening on trees now something that rarely happens here, even by October. Perhaps we are becoming sub-tropical. My window is fogged up, and it's open.
After lunch, humidity back up in the mid-80's, the cool pin-pricks of falling drizzle felt good. Window open again for some air flow. Think I might have encountered a raven and baby. Lower, scratchier voice than the regular crows, baby sounded different as well. They aren't usually hanging around in the city.
Ack. Almost time for an open rehearsal with an actual audience. Nerves.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Interview
Well, scheduled my interview. It's at the same time as my clown class, but hopefully I can go to it. The two early spots were already spoken for. Now need to put together a resume. Don't know if I can do it without a scholarship, maybe. It's $740/quarter for the discounted amount. If not, there are other classes I can take, so it'll be fine either way. It would be good to get the intensity of training, but my world won't end if I don't this year. (The world is also not going to end because the SCOTUS upheld equality for ALL US citizens today.)
It's very moody out today (and humid.) Bright then dark alternating moment to moment. The trees swaying ever so slightly, as if they are listening to some cosmic music and can't decide to join in the dance or not.
It's very moody out today (and humid.) Bright then dark alternating moment to moment. The trees swaying ever so slightly, as if they are listening to some cosmic music and can't decide to join in the dance or not.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Home
Just got home from the Meisner showcase. Somehow I thought it might run until 9 pm, but the scenes ended after 10:20 pm, and there was Q & A with the actors which I wanted to stay for, but needed to catch a bus, so ran out. There were seven scenes, split into three groupings (3, 2, 2) the first and last were comedies, and the last one is the only one that made me cry. It's from the same play that I'm doing a scene from, almost the end. They did a great job with it, it runs hot/cold and emotionally all over the place. Sam Shepard's A Lie of the Mind really stood out for me as well. And there was a whole lotta simmering heat overall.
Found out the Meisner interviews are on the 16th of July, and you have to have a resume. I'll need to look that up; what do you put on one when you are just starting out? Also, I was talking about the clown class (with George Lewis) to some other students and now I'm even more afraid. They were afraid to take it as well, but it's full. Someone said that they heard that if you survive it, you are afraid of nothing. (And that's a normal length course, this one is crammed into three weeks.) Yes, I'm scared. If I start to feel like I'm going to lose it, I give myself permission to quit (I never do that.) And I'm taking off the second week from work (the other class starts that week as well, that one might be intense, but it won't be scary.) I think he's the man to learn it from though, so I will. Shit.
Anyway, this was the first night where the bus tunnel was hot, I'm usually freezing in there. The bus might have been late, but it was packed and a steam bath inside. Thankfully, someone finally decided to open some windows, they'd been fogging up and everyone was sweaty. The smell reminded me of the old busses we used to ride out to the strawberry fields when I was a kid. Summer jobs. I guess there was a baseball game earlier, which accounts for the crowd, more than usual.
My last class is this week, and then it all starts up again in two-and-a-half weeks. A short break.
Found out the Meisner interviews are on the 16th of July, and you have to have a resume. I'll need to look that up; what do you put on one when you are just starting out? Also, I was talking about the clown class (with George Lewis) to some other students and now I'm even more afraid. They were afraid to take it as well, but it's full. Someone said that they heard that if you survive it, you are afraid of nothing. (And that's a normal length course, this one is crammed into three weeks.) Yes, I'm scared. If I start to feel like I'm going to lose it, I give myself permission to quit (I never do that.) And I'm taking off the second week from work (the other class starts that week as well, that one might be intense, but it won't be scary.) I think he's the man to learn it from though, so I will. Shit.
Anyway, this was the first night where the bus tunnel was hot, I'm usually freezing in there. The bus might have been late, but it was packed and a steam bath inside. Thankfully, someone finally decided to open some windows, they'd been fogging up and everyone was sweaty. The smell reminded me of the old busses we used to ride out to the strawberry fields when I was a kid. Summer jobs. I guess there was a baseball game earlier, which accounts for the crowd, more than usual.
My last class is this week, and then it all starts up again in two-and-a-half weeks. A short break.
Another wet morning
Spot was on the wire, watching me leave this morning, soaking wet, both of us. Now that I'm no longer outside, it has stopped raining.
Well crud, the elephant that came up in voice class is still lurking around. I thought I'd been facing it, dealing with it, but I just brought it up to someone and it made me cry as much as it did at the time. Oh, really want to start hacking away at this before the clown class starts in 3 weeks. I know that if I don't face it now, it will come up then. Sigh. I should have gone to therapy, I guess, but couldn't afford it, don't know how to find a good one.
Incidentally, in spite of my attempting to go to sleep earlier so that I could sleep more, I woke up at 3 am.
Well crud, the elephant that came up in voice class is still lurking around. I thought I'd been facing it, dealing with it, but I just brought it up to someone and it made me cry as much as it did at the time. Oh, really want to start hacking away at this before the clown class starts in 3 weeks. I know that if I don't face it now, it will come up then. Sigh. I should have gone to therapy, I guess, but couldn't afford it, don't know how to find a good one.
Incidentally, in spite of my attempting to go to sleep earlier so that I could sleep more, I woke up at 3 am.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Garden's getting watered
Still humid, but cooler and stormy now. (Very humid and warm last night, close to 100%, which is rare for here.) The crow family were outside waiting when I walked out the door this morning. The one, still off in the distance from the others. They must live in one of the trees of a neighbor, I put out some leftovers in the yard and they were watching from a couple rooftops over. There's a hummingbird sitting on a branch outside my window now, getting rained on. It looks like it might be singing, but I can't hear it. Probably looking for insects, there aren't any flowers.
There is a new source of robo-spam, I won't click on it, maybe it will go away. If the ground isn't too saturated tonight, will attempt to salvage my two tomato plants that are still in those little pots, probably root-bound. Leaves are yellow, but I think that's a deficiency as opposed to a disease, at least I hope so. They've been in those pots almost two months now. I'll go even if it is raining, I need to weed. Really need to weed. This is the kind of weather plants love and the weeds are going nuts.
It's nice to have a bit of free time.
Ate lunch in the community center, it was pretty quiet. Sometimes someone plays the piano, but no one was when I walked in. I thought perhaps that was only during the regular academic year, but then ten minutes before I had to get back to work a student came in and began to play. Beautifully. I also decided at lunch that it's not working for me to fall asleep every time I sit down, so goals: 1) no caffeine after noon, and 2) try to get to bed by 10:30 pm on most nights. I'd like to get to bed earlier, but trying to be realistic. At any rate, I need to get more sleep.
I think the "sense" a friend tried to talk to me, might have actually lodged inside my head. That could be a good thing. (Others have tried.) I will respect his choice to know me from a distance, if at all. Oh, guess I must've done alright on my final exam, I got an "A" for the quarter.
After gardening and walking home, I'm so tired right now, I might actually fall asleep before 10. (Pulled weeds for over an hour. That's a lot of greenery. Barely made a dent in it.)
There is a new source of robo-spam, I won't click on it, maybe it will go away. If the ground isn't too saturated tonight, will attempt to salvage my two tomato plants that are still in those little pots, probably root-bound. Leaves are yellow, but I think that's a deficiency as opposed to a disease, at least I hope so. They've been in those pots almost two months now. I'll go even if it is raining, I need to weed. Really need to weed. This is the kind of weather plants love and the weeds are going nuts.
It's nice to have a bit of free time.
Ate lunch in the community center, it was pretty quiet. Sometimes someone plays the piano, but no one was when I walked in. I thought perhaps that was only during the regular academic year, but then ten minutes before I had to get back to work a student came in and began to play. Beautifully. I also decided at lunch that it's not working for me to fall asleep every time I sit down, so goals: 1) no caffeine after noon, and 2) try to get to bed by 10:30 pm on most nights. I'd like to get to bed earlier, but trying to be realistic. At any rate, I need to get more sleep.
I think the "sense" a friend tried to talk to me, might have actually lodged inside my head. That could be a good thing. (Others have tried.) I will respect his choice to know me from a distance, if at all. Oh, guess I must've done alright on my final exam, I got an "A" for the quarter.
After gardening and walking home, I'm so tired right now, I might actually fall asleep before 10. (Pulled weeds for over an hour. That's a lot of greenery. Barely made a dent in it.)
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Sunday
Finally went to church again, after probably 3 months. Then there was a picnic and I went to that. It rained, but had some good conversations with people. It's funny, when I wasn't going (partially because I couldn't sing anymore and partially because I was tired and not getting up on time) I ran into people I know from there (even though some of them no longer go, but I met them there) all over the place (and it's a relatively small congregation) at a dance concert, at Folklife, walking down the street, and other places...I saw more of them than anyone else I know, and it made me realize how much our lives intersect. I'm Lutheran, for the record, since second grade. Have struggled much (an understatement, a hard won relationship) with what I believe but decided to stay, I still struggle with it. I seriously thought about converting to Catholicism because of some powerful spiritual experiences I had, and because I like the ritual of it, but in the end chose not to because of a very smug (Catholic) encounter followed by a very welcoming stance (and openness and the ability to ask questions and the kindness) from my own church, and so internally, I recommitted to mine. The most I can say about it is that I believe in a loving God, and try to follow the teachings/examples of Christ, not Paul, just the Gospels. (As a woman I have a hard time with Paul. And Christ accepted everybody. He was love in the flesh, which for me seems like a good direction to move toward in life.)
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Where I ended up
Beach. Extremely low tide, I guess makes sense with the supermoon tonight. I wasn't expecting to find that, nor the crowds so early, coulda' walked north for miles. I didn't of course. I attempted to walk to the water's edge, found myself trapped surrounded by water to wade through, but sloshed on through the eelgrass beds. (Finally just got around to rinsing out my shoes.) I didn't see a lot of critters, though I did find these large, green, water dwelling arthropods. (Photo is blurry.)
They looked like super-sized versions of something we used to call "potato bugs." There were other colors, greys, beiges. Someone found a large cockle, and some kids were shouting about a bullhead and an eel. Under the dock were gigantic starfish, and frilled anemones, then a school of salmon circled around, I suppose on it's way to the Locks.
I shot a few pictures but was more interested in mucking around and looking at stuff. Had to rush back up the hill to the bus after the dock, so that I could get to rehearsal on time. Barely made it. I got lucky on both the bus home and the bus downtown. Rehearsal went okay. It was our last one. I asked if we could meet again before the performance to run lines, connect. It felt like too long of a break in between rehearsal and class last week, I felt separated from it. I don't like what I'm doing with my hands, but I did figure out more regarding the first things I say. Also, for the last 45 minutes all I could focus on was the fact that I was hungry. Note to self: EAT before rehearsal. It was super distracting. I was hoping to meet up with a friend, but haven't been able to contact, so will watch a movie instead. Not sure if I like enough of the pictures. Will see how the film turned out. I think they want ten submitted, to choose one from. It's really hot in the house now. The lovely full moon is crossing the night sky very atmospherically behind wisps of clouds. I think it's gonna rain.
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| Green arthropod at beach/LHerlevi |
I shot a few pictures but was more interested in mucking around and looking at stuff. Had to rush back up the hill to the bus after the dock, so that I could get to rehearsal on time. Barely made it. I got lucky on both the bus home and the bus downtown. Rehearsal went okay. It was our last one. I asked if we could meet again before the performance to run lines, connect. It felt like too long of a break in between rehearsal and class last week, I felt separated from it. I don't like what I'm doing with my hands, but I did figure out more regarding the first things I say. Also, for the last 45 minutes all I could focus on was the fact that I was hungry. Note to self: EAT before rehearsal. It was super distracting. I was hoping to meet up with a friend, but haven't been able to contact, so will watch a movie instead. Not sure if I like enough of the pictures. Will see how the film turned out. I think they want ten submitted, to choose one from. It's really hot in the house now. The lovely full moon is crossing the night sky very atmospherically behind wisps of clouds. I think it's gonna rain.
Saturday
Woke up before 6 am then fell asleep and woke up after 7. Have a wicked headache, think it's a combination of back strain, dehydration and someone smoking in the house. Took something, waiting for it to start working. Still don't know where to go shoot today, have rehearsal at 3 pm, so can't go too far out as I need time to get there with all my prop stuff. I should probably get up and just start moving, it might help the head pain, too. Was trying to look over the digital pictures, but the program is slow this morning, so I'm waiting. Still waiting. I think it's broken. The baby crows are begging for food outside my window, they are quite loud. And I just lost the bathroom to the housemate that always leaves it dirty.
Still haven't left, but about to. Checked my phone messages, had 13, only two of which left messages, one from a survey and one from a friend. I haven't been a recluse this year, but I haven't seen this friend in over a month, and the one I went to the show with a week ago I hadn't seen in probably two months. I really like these people. I need to do what I am this year, but I've gotta' find the time to see them (and others.) There are people I've connected with this year that I want to be friends with, and I'm trying. The timing thing is hard, I want these people in my life. A lot of personal stuff has come up this year, and I want to (need to, really) face up to it, deal with it, or pursue it as the case may be. I have to learn to put myself first, I always put other people first because I thought I was supposed to, that it was selfish to do otherwise, but I totally lost me, I'm starting to get that back. I don't want to lose that, but I know friendship is a big part of what I want too, and I don't want to lose that either.
Still haven't left, but about to. Checked my phone messages, had 13, only two of which left messages, one from a survey and one from a friend. I haven't been a recluse this year, but I haven't seen this friend in over a month, and the one I went to the show with a week ago I hadn't seen in probably two months. I really like these people. I need to do what I am this year, but I've gotta' find the time to see them (and others.) There are people I've connected with this year that I want to be friends with, and I'm trying. The timing thing is hard, I want these people in my life. A lot of personal stuff has come up this year, and I want to (need to, really) face up to it, deal with it, or pursue it as the case may be. I have to learn to put myself first, I always put other people first because I thought I was supposed to, that it was selfish to do otherwise, but I totally lost me, I'm starting to get that back. I don't want to lose that, but I know friendship is a big part of what I want too, and I don't want to lose that either.
After six hours of marathon
If I'd had the tripod or any other surface to balance on, I would have shot how the (almost SUPER, but still, always super) moon shone down on the resevoir. As it is, I just admired it, and the general loveliness of the sky. I caught the bus home just after midnight, and when I sat, I could barely stay awake. A music performance student was explaining music theory to a man from Thailand a couple seats over from me. I was trying to stay awake to eavesdrop because it was an interesting conversation. Still, I'll try to look at the digital stuff before I fall asleep. Battery died, and I wasn't excited about any of the film stuff while shooting it, but you never know. Wasn't really going with either concept, we were just exploring, he hasn't really spent much time in that area. His night stuff was pretty cool. I'll get back to my original ideas in the morning. Not sure where to go, but I've got time. I'm interested in the 120 film I picked up, so want to finish that roll, but even though the sun was still out, the light was somewhat low for a Holga. Not sure who still develops color 120 in town, all the labs I used to use are gone now. (And now I have that XTC song stuck in my head, Supergirl, which is a step up from the fake dance track I had in my head earlier.)
Friday, June 21, 2013
Friday
Spent ten minutes looking for a t-shirt I wanted to change into this morning, because I thought it would look better than the one I was wearing. Finally realized I don't actually own that t-shirt. I may have tried it on, but for some reason I bought this one instead. Sigh. TGIF. But still, I have a busy weekend, last one for a few weeks. Maybe my mind will return. Feeling alternately scattered, and blank.
Shooting in a 24-hour photo marathon beginning tonight. A fundraiser for The Photographic Center Northwest in Seattle. I've shot 3 of the 4 years, first year, I left before my work sold, second year my picture sold really early, third year I didn't like anything I did, so didn't submit and last year I didn't participate because I was going to Finland and didn't have time to print and frame. I have an idea, hopefully it'll pan out. (And then a back-up idea if it doesn't.) Shooting with a friend for part of tonight. I've never actually stayed awake for the whole thing, fallen asleep at 2 am and woken up again sometime in the 5 am hour. I'll need to sleep at some point tonight as well. Have a rehearsal mid-day tomorrow, and we need the work, at least I really do. Like I said, I didn't feel good about how it was going last night, and I don't know if we'll be able to get in another rehearsal before the performance. The Meisner class is doing a showcase on Tuesday night in one of the spaces, plus I want to go to it, so Tuesday night is out as far as rehearsing goes.
The auction is sometime in July. You submit work, and then turn in whatever the jurors decide, and then there's a party/auction where every hour the prices go down. I think they all start at $1000 at 5 pm if you want to buy outright. The official auction usually starts around 6 pm. Around midnight, everything that's left is either $100 or less than that. It's fun. I still need to get sponsored, haven't checked to see how much it's supposed to be, it's usually $100. Oh, and everything we do is donated (time, film-for me, processing, printing, and framing). It's the only framed work I've ever had sell. People are participating all across the world. http://pcnw.org/2013/long-shot-whos-doing-what-on-june-21-ideas-from-our-community/
I'd still take any stupid crumb...they never fall. I make acknowledgements, offer encouragement, I try to connect...I was asked to, so I followed through. But enough of that...back to my life and who I am. Photo marathon in an hour. Need to remember how to load the Holga. Can't recall how to put the film on the reel without seeing it, I haven't shot it in ages.
Shooting in a 24-hour photo marathon beginning tonight. A fundraiser for The Photographic Center Northwest in Seattle. I've shot 3 of the 4 years, first year, I left before my work sold, second year my picture sold really early, third year I didn't like anything I did, so didn't submit and last year I didn't participate because I was going to Finland and didn't have time to print and frame. I have an idea, hopefully it'll pan out. (And then a back-up idea if it doesn't.) Shooting with a friend for part of tonight. I've never actually stayed awake for the whole thing, fallen asleep at 2 am and woken up again sometime in the 5 am hour. I'll need to sleep at some point tonight as well. Have a rehearsal mid-day tomorrow, and we need the work, at least I really do. Like I said, I didn't feel good about how it was going last night, and I don't know if we'll be able to get in another rehearsal before the performance. The Meisner class is doing a showcase on Tuesday night in one of the spaces, plus I want to go to it, so Tuesday night is out as far as rehearsing goes.
The auction is sometime in July. You submit work, and then turn in whatever the jurors decide, and then there's a party/auction where every hour the prices go down. I think they all start at $1000 at 5 pm if you want to buy outright. The official auction usually starts around 6 pm. Around midnight, everything that's left is either $100 or less than that. It's fun. I still need to get sponsored, haven't checked to see how much it's supposed to be, it's usually $100. Oh, and everything we do is donated (time, film-for me, processing, printing, and framing). It's the only framed work I've ever had sell. People are participating all across the world. http://pcnw.org/2013/long-shot-whos-doing-what-on-june-21-ideas-from-our-community/
I'd still take any stupid crumb...they never fall. I make acknowledgements, offer encouragement, I try to connect...I was asked to, so I followed through. But enough of that...back to my life and who I am. Photo marathon in an hour. Need to remember how to load the Holga. Can't recall how to put the film on the reel without seeing it, I haven't shot it in ages.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I think I know the action
I like him, he's moving too fast, I have a history of bad decisions: action is I want him to slow down. (F and J and the Clare de Lune.) Last rehearsal tonight. Short, because we also have to run a tech. Performance, next week. Then two weeks off and then start all over again. Really should make a prop list, been kinda' randomly putting stuff around the set, misplaced one of the dresses after I washed it this weekend.
Had my annual review at work, which I always live in fear of, and they are usually good, but when you don't get any feedback all year, there's no way to know. Am being recommended for maximum possible raise, but as the state can't bother to actually produce a budget, it's just a very nice thought at this point. It is nice to be appreciated. Hope we all have jobs on July 1 (and are not all furloughed indefinitely.) I think I've mentioned that I haven't had a raise in eight years. Work responsibilities and cost of living have however, increased during that same period of time. In spite of that, I feel pretty happy today. Part of it's relief that I still have a job, part of it is completely unaccounted for. (And still, annoyingly, getting blasted with robo-spam from Russia.)
Later, after class. Don't feel good about anything tonight, usually I do after class. Need to spend more time thinking about what I want, how to get it. She took away my physical action, and I'm feeling unanchored again. Just really irritable, and then the roof is leaking at home now because the gutters still haven't been repaired. Maybe I had too much caffeine today, everything is bugging me now. 154 stupid spam hits.
Had my annual review at work, which I always live in fear of, and they are usually good, but when you don't get any feedback all year, there's no way to know. Am being recommended for maximum possible raise, but as the state can't bother to actually produce a budget, it's just a very nice thought at this point. It is nice to be appreciated. Hope we all have jobs on July 1 (and are not all furloughed indefinitely.) I think I've mentioned that I haven't had a raise in eight years. Work responsibilities and cost of living have however, increased during that same period of time. In spite of that, I feel pretty happy today. Part of it's relief that I still have a job, part of it is completely unaccounted for. (And still, annoyingly, getting blasted with robo-spam from Russia.)
Later, after class. Don't feel good about anything tonight, usually I do after class. Need to spend more time thinking about what I want, how to get it. She took away my physical action, and I'm feeling unanchored again. Just really irritable, and then the roof is leaking at home now because the gutters still haven't been repaired. Maybe I had too much caffeine today, everything is bugging me now. 154 stupid spam hits.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Grounding
Just being blasted with robo-spam (or whatever it's called "robo-hits?") today. Finally went and found a pair of new jeans, had my size in stock and they were being discontinued and I had a coupon and a gift certificate, so basically, they were free. Now still need hiking boots, dress boots, a haircut and socks. Exciting. I bought some t-shirts and a couple tank tops, too, so it costs me a little more than "free" but the tank tops I've been wearing really should be recycled. Really bad shape. Pretty much missed all the busses home by that point, so walked. Took the way through the forest, checked first for presence of people before dropping down to the trail, there are some side outlets, but not many. There are usually joggers and walkers. I stop and listen for voices, look down to see how many people are passing on the trail below. The ravine was cool, damp, grounding. I'm taking a short break from doing homework for the acting class that we got this afternoon and from reading one of the library books I've had for a while. Back to it. Boa noite to you couple of live people out there. (Portuguese for "good night.") I'm gonna go sniff the rose-scented body lotion I bought on my way to work today. Skin is really dry and the scent of the lotion makes me happy.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Twenty
So, though I fought against it as much as I could, and cliché as it might be, 20) my favorite flower, hands down, hands and hands down, is the rose. And no, not some "perfect" red bud, fragrant-less and thorn-less from a florist's shop. No, the kind that grows wild along the side of a road or in a rose garden, preferably someone else's, that I can stumble upon unexpectedly on a hot day, admire, bury my face in and breathe, experience sensory overload with scent and color and texture, so much that I want to eat them. See the various stages of blossom and decay, all mixed up together. Growing more beautiful as they age until they collapse into a pile of petals on the ground.
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| Late summer roses/L Herlevi |
This was gonna be a little more cheeky, but I just saw a movie about poverty and I'm pretty pissed off right now. http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/american-winter/index.html
Feeling subdued, too much sleep?
Tried to get enough (more than four hours) sleep last night, so went to bed with a movie before 8 pm. Woke up for real just before 5 am, slightly glum, because at some point I had turned on the radio, so woke up to news. Hard time with the meditation thing, didn't feel like doing it, but I think the point might be to do it anyway, make it a habit you keep (like exercise, or yoga, or a healthy diet) so forced myself through it. When I walked out of my room, pleasantly surprised by how bright the yard looked through the window. Remembered I had to take the kitchen garbage out, so went to do that. Someone had thrown some pizza in it, a bird shadow crossed over me, and so I threw a crust into the yard for the crows. When I looked up again, one of the adults was flying up to the roof, crust in beak. The rest of the family waiting up at the top. There were five again. That fifth crow now appears to also be a baby, on closer look, but it keeps a distance, tries to feed itself. The other two, aggressively crying, begging, flailing wings, and jabbing at the adult with the food. This other, a couple feet away, then chasing a small, quickly rolling, white ball of crust down the roof with a series of hops and short flaps. Crust lands in drain. I didn't see if it picked it out, but it began to walk back up the incline. Adorable. Maybe it was born earlier. It seems less attached to the rest, but it flies and lands with the group. A bit later, getting on the bus, my first thoughts were, "The bus is full. Full of adults." Not typically either. Amazingly blank today, and I feel groggy. I think I slept too much. One of my colleagues bought me a mocha, not even Friday today. Now, I'm wired.
"Many things become possible once you get on your own side."-Holiday Mathis, June 18, 2013
19.) I believe in redemption, endless second chances (starting to believe in it, even for myself) out to infinity: as many chances as it takes to get it right.
"Many things become possible once you get on your own side."-Holiday Mathis, June 18, 2013
19.) I believe in redemption, endless second chances (starting to believe in it, even for myself) out to infinity: as many chances as it takes to get it right.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Robin sang really early
The robin sang briefly around 4am this morning. It must be busy. Incidently, what I said about suffering was unrelated to the performances I saw, even though they dealt with that. It was in response to articles and pieces I've read recently that mention it with such certainty, that it's a given that that's all there is, all we can expect out of life. It's only one belief, but repeated so certainly, almost by rote sometimes. Mine's just another one, to counter it, a pause to plant a seed of doubt in that idea. To provide that option that maybe you don't have to blindly accept it. There are examples in the world to support either, I just would rather have hope.
Later. At work. A robin just landed on my window sill, chirped, when I looked up and saw it, it looked back at me and then flew away. Oh, now it's leaping from branch to branch in the camilla bush.
Oh, wow. A bit of chills in my body. I looked up the plant. It would be good for all of my health issues. Who was that man?
Just read a compliment for a theatre thing I've been working on, and not feeling like it was getting anywhere. Means a lot and needed hear it. So much art happens in a vacuum.
I'm trying not to write another post. I realized the other thing that threw me off about Paul's performance was that original press info for the show didn't sound like it had anything to do with what was actually presented. I'll have to look to see if I can find it again (something to do with "this is a great, great town, with great, great people," and that doesn't sound like a show about death and loss and attempted suicide.) And my friend got side-tracked and missed the whole mainstage this past weekend, so I can't ask her. She was also confused by the same piece I was for the studio showcase. Oh well. Visually interesting at any rate.
Later. At work. A robin just landed on my window sill, chirped, when I looked up and saw it, it looked back at me and then flew away. Oh, now it's leaping from branch to branch in the camilla bush.
Oh, wow. A bit of chills in my body. I looked up the plant. It would be good for all of my health issues. Who was that man?
Just read a compliment for a theatre thing I've been working on, and not feeling like it was getting anywhere. Means a lot and needed hear it. So much art happens in a vacuum.
I'm trying not to write another post. I realized the other thing that threw me off about Paul's performance was that original press info for the show didn't sound like it had anything to do with what was actually presented. I'll have to look to see if I can find it again (something to do with "this is a great, great town, with great, great people," and that doesn't sound like a show about death and loss and attempted suicide.) And my friend got side-tracked and missed the whole mainstage this past weekend, so I can't ask her. She was also confused by the same piece I was for the studio showcase. Oh well. Visually interesting at any rate.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Waiting for my sheets to dry so I can leave
And a lot of posts today. 14) There's an idea out in the world that life is suffering and the best one can hope for is to endure it, or endure it with some kinda' grace maybe. I don't buy it. I think we (as a species) are capable of so much more. You can see evidence around you if you look for it. Maybe it's not sustainable 24/7, but it's possible. Misery's not really sustainable 24/7 either. 15) If there's a scenic route, I'll usually take it, or took it. Apologies for my lateness. 16) I get excited about all the reading possibilities when I enter into a library or a bookstore. 17) I love sitting around a campfire with friends (new or old) and singing songs and making s'mores. Need to find excuses to do it more. 18) My garden is in a general state of neglect (as are my eyebrows.) I will go visit soon. The garden that is, the eyebrows will have to wait.
Later. Much later than I thought. Stopped to eat something before continuing on to the garden. Read a few magazine articles. Sun hadn't set yet when I got there, figured I would mostly just harvest a few things, lettuce, artichokes, over-ripe cauliflower, water and go. A strange man walked into the garden where I was alone. Asked me about a plant, what I knew about it. I finally figured out what he was talking about, knew the name, couldn't remember anything about it. Suggested he go to the medicinal garden at the University and ask. Tried to describe where that was. His words left his mouth as if he were just learning how to speak, he refered to a street as "that famous street with the shops."As he was leaving me, he pointed out that the moon was out (which is odd only in that it's the sort of thing I would do.) I had to finish watering and chop up some fennel. I saw him in the distance again, almost no one else in the park. Somehow, we didn't cross paths again. The sun had set by this point. Only a couple people left, further away from where we were. The sky was still light, I stopped by a video store on my way home. While I was wandering around they made an announcement that they were about to close. It was 10 pm already. Keep forgetting it's almost solstice. How did that happen?
Got my movies and continued to walk home. Ten blocks from home, the only sound I could hear was the flow of steady traffic on the freeway. Every-couple-of blocks a car would rattle past me up the hill, tail lights disappearing around the bend. The stop-lights had switched to blinking red, sky still pale in the west, stars beginning to emerge. Once, the clatter of bottles behind a fence. Shrill cry of a killdeer briefly cutting through the silence then, just as suddenly subsiding. Then one, then a second plane flew overhead. Probably too late to watch a movie now.
Later. Much later than I thought. Stopped to eat something before continuing on to the garden. Read a few magazine articles. Sun hadn't set yet when I got there, figured I would mostly just harvest a few things, lettuce, artichokes, over-ripe cauliflower, water and go. A strange man walked into the garden where I was alone. Asked me about a plant, what I knew about it. I finally figured out what he was talking about, knew the name, couldn't remember anything about it. Suggested he go to the medicinal garden at the University and ask. Tried to describe where that was. His words left his mouth as if he were just learning how to speak, he refered to a street as "that famous street with the shops."As he was leaving me, he pointed out that the moon was out (which is odd only in that it's the sort of thing I would do.) I had to finish watering and chop up some fennel. I saw him in the distance again, almost no one else in the park. Somehow, we didn't cross paths again. The sun had set by this point. Only a couple people left, further away from where we were. The sky was still light, I stopped by a video store on my way home. While I was wandering around they made an announcement that they were about to close. It was 10 pm already. Keep forgetting it's almost solstice. How did that happen?
Got my movies and continued to walk home. Ten blocks from home, the only sound I could hear was the flow of steady traffic on the freeway. Every-couple-of blocks a car would rattle past me up the hill, tail lights disappearing around the bend. The stop-lights had switched to blinking red, sky still pale in the west, stars beginning to emerge. Once, the clatter of bottles behind a fence. Shrill cry of a killdeer briefly cutting through the silence then, just as suddenly subsiding. Then one, then a second plane flew overhead. Probably too late to watch a movie now.
Need to do something productive
Damn the aching. Damn my giving a damn. Being "put in my place" again for things I don't know that I did. It's unhealthy for me to care at this point. Maybe the wizard should squeeze the last remnants out of my heart, or at least make me want that.
Random things on a Sunday morning
10.) if a good genie came along and gave me the means to travel this year, I'd probably go to Montreal/Quebec City or, maybe Germany around Christmas. 11) Still want to go on a dog-sledding trip in the Yukon wilderness in the middle of winter to look at the winter night sky without light pollution. 12) I've never felt homesick when I've travelled because I enjoy the newness of the experience, want to soak up as much of a place as I can, try to stay in the "now." I may never be back there. Sometimes I'll have a passing thought about somewhere I'd like to be (back home), usually a coffee shop, don't know why, or I'll get emotional about a Celine Dion song that I hear on a radio in a bar in the middle of nowhere, but I don't think that's homesickness. I do however, when I'm home, get "homesick" for places I've visited. You must understand, I don't want to live there, but I ache for them anyway. Kinda' backwards, but there it is. But, 13) if this genie, or perhaps it's a wizard now, told me today that I had to go live in another city for a while, I'd probably go to London, or Santiago de Compostela, or Porto. (Foreign. US cities maybe Los Angeles, Berkeley, Santa Cruz, Key West for a curveball. But like I've mentioned, I'm in the city I want to be in.)
I was about to get excited about having a free weekend next week, but then I remembered that I don't. Major commitment, but fun, and I'm not tied to a schedule or location for the project.
I was about to get excited about having a free weekend next week, but then I remembered that I don't. Major commitment, but fun, and I'm not tied to a schedule or location for the project.
Last showcase
Walking out of the theatre tonight, someone behind me said they felt traumatized. Someone else answered, "I can't figure out if it was too much or just enough." Tonight's mainstage performances all dealt with death.
1) Paul Budraitis. I liked it, he's definitely a great performer, but while the beginning "speech" made sense on it's own, it didn't connect with the rest of the work for me, which is a shame. It was a solo piece, great staging for it - performer in a large, particle-board box on stage, speaking into a camera, visually projected onto outside of box, other visuals projected both onto box and to back stage wall. Began and ended with him sitting on top of the box, watching the projections on the back wall. Interesting vulnerability in that, almost child-like. (Also, I know someone that the beginning of his second story happened to, turned out differently.) First of stories, plane crash, human error. Second story, finding out your child died. I wanted to understand how it all fit together, (and I'm not dumb or superficial if I can't see inside someone else's thought processes) I asked the people sitting next to me during intermission. Maybe it represented universal suffering, somebody feeling that, but why suicide? Or is the narrator already dead? But then again, why? And how does that relate to the two middle stories? Incidently, he taught a class I took this past winter and I wanted to see his performance work, so, basically, he's why I went to all the performances. (I suppose I could ask him, but I don't think he'll tell me.)
2) New Animals. Wanted to connect with it, did off and on. Liked the choreography and there were parts of it that were incredibly moving, but enough parts that didn't connect -why the lining up of the solo cups? Interesting visually, but was there more than that?-(blurb, blurb, a little more context, please-for both pieces) that it lost me.
3) bobbevy. Interesting concept, beginning section went on too long before dancers connected, something about the visuals, or the sound tones that went with it kept causing me to black out so I missed a lot of it. Someone seated near me said they they liked the concept but it could use editing. Also mentioned they would like something to draw audience into the performance put in the program.
4) Satori Group-Ghosts. Says it's a work in progress. Narrator sees ghosts, is called into the land of the ghosts, attempts to save one. My favorite of the night (yes, that's ironic: there's an affiliation between this group and the one I wrote so much about about a month ago), conceptually well thought out, beautifully performed by ensemble. Definitely want to see more of it. Most redemptive of the four pieces tonight. Along with Josh Martin's piece from last weekend (and Pony World), my favorite from the festival. But impressive work across the board for all the sixteen performances I saw (I missed the installation piece last weekend, and I won't go back tomorrow.) Conceptually interesting (because I can't think of words right now) work, great performances, and kudos for creating new work and putting it out there, for the ideas, for the process, for the work. (I'm banning myself from using the word "conceptual" for at least a week. Get thee here o dictionary or thesaurus.) I think this was the strongest grouping overall and I "enjoyed" the performances, as much as you can say that for performances about death and loss.
Speaking of redemption, I hope I can resurrect my cast-iron frying pan. Housemate pretty much destroyed it this morning (by turning the burner on high and forgetting about it.) I've scrubbed out the ash and covered it in oil, in hopes it won't be all rusted in the morning. Not gonna re-cure it tonight. It's late, bus trip was almost 2 hours coming home, door to door. (I've gotten in the bad habit of not using articles in my sentence structure much anymore. They don't use them in finnish, but we do in english. Are those supposed to be capitalized?)
1) Paul Budraitis. I liked it, he's definitely a great performer, but while the beginning "speech" made sense on it's own, it didn't connect with the rest of the work for me, which is a shame. It was a solo piece, great staging for it - performer in a large, particle-board box on stage, speaking into a camera, visually projected onto outside of box, other visuals projected both onto box and to back stage wall. Began and ended with him sitting on top of the box, watching the projections on the back wall. Interesting vulnerability in that, almost child-like. (Also, I know someone that the beginning of his second story happened to, turned out differently.) First of stories, plane crash, human error. Second story, finding out your child died. I wanted to understand how it all fit together, (and I'm not dumb or superficial if I can't see inside someone else's thought processes) I asked the people sitting next to me during intermission. Maybe it represented universal suffering, somebody feeling that, but why suicide? Or is the narrator already dead? But then again, why? And how does that relate to the two middle stories? Incidently, he taught a class I took this past winter and I wanted to see his performance work, so, basically, he's why I went to all the performances. (I suppose I could ask him, but I don't think he'll tell me.)
2) New Animals. Wanted to connect with it, did off and on. Liked the choreography and there were parts of it that were incredibly moving, but enough parts that didn't connect -why the lining up of the solo cups? Interesting visually, but was there more than that?-(blurb, blurb, a little more context, please-for both pieces) that it lost me.
3) bobbevy. Interesting concept, beginning section went on too long before dancers connected, something about the visuals, or the sound tones that went with it kept causing me to black out so I missed a lot of it. Someone seated near me said they they liked the concept but it could use editing. Also mentioned they would like something to draw audience into the performance put in the program.
4) Satori Group-Ghosts. Says it's a work in progress. Narrator sees ghosts, is called into the land of the ghosts, attempts to save one. My favorite of the night (yes, that's ironic: there's an affiliation between this group and the one I wrote so much about about a month ago), conceptually well thought out, beautifully performed by ensemble. Definitely want to see more of it. Most redemptive of the four pieces tonight. Along with Josh Martin's piece from last weekend (and Pony World), my favorite from the festival. But impressive work across the board for all the sixteen performances I saw (I missed the installation piece last weekend, and I won't go back tomorrow.) Conceptually interesting (because I can't think of words right now) work, great performances, and kudos for creating new work and putting it out there, for the ideas, for the process, for the work. (I'm banning myself from using the word "conceptual" for at least a week. Get thee here o dictionary or thesaurus.) I think this was the strongest grouping overall and I "enjoyed" the performances, as much as you can say that for performances about death and loss.
Speaking of redemption, I hope I can resurrect my cast-iron frying pan. Housemate pretty much destroyed it this morning (by turning the burner on high and forgetting about it.) I've scrubbed out the ash and covered it in oil, in hopes it won't be all rusted in the morning. Not gonna re-cure it tonight. It's late, bus trip was almost 2 hours coming home, door to door. (I've gotten in the bad habit of not using articles in my sentence structure much anymore. They don't use them in finnish, but we do in english. Are those supposed to be capitalized?)
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Few hours of free time
Need to do laundry or something. It's gorgeous out. (8. while I might have regrets for how I handled them at the time, I don't regret any of the big choices I made, I'm liking more and more where I am internally. 9. I'm glad I didn't get married when I was younger, I didn't always hear my own voice, and I think it would have been harder living that close with someone else to find it.) The rehearsal went better, more anchored today. Starting to get moments of an actual conversation between two people, as opposed to two actors (acting students) trying to find connection and meaning in someone else's words. So, progress. Had an informative conversation about voice coaching with a voice student while both of us were waiting for our respective time slots. Something to work toward when I have the both the money and the guts. It's expensive, but I like what I'm hearing and I want to be able to have that kind of control, range, option if I ever need it. Laundry now. Hmm, we used to have a lawn chair...
Home from another show
Home really late again. Just saw my favorite live band (The Model Rockets) at the Sunset Tavern (again, this week). They totally killed it. Not enough people there, but I think it was an enthusiastic crowd, non-the-less. They're not actually together as a band anymore, I think they reunited for a fan's birthday, two of them live in other states, though, they said they are recording a single tomorrow. I started going to their shows around 1994 or something like that. My friend had seen the listing and told me about it, so I met her and another friend there. I'm really glad: they are just SO GOOD live.
Earlier in the evening had gone to another of the Northwest New Works festival showcases at On the Boards, the second studio weekend. I did like it more overall than the studio showcase last week, and I think it's because there was more narrative, though admittedly, haven't a clue what the last piece was about. Makes me wish they'd put a short blurb in the program about the pieces. Again, a bit of a pet peeve of mine, it's like you have to be in the know to get it, and I find the idea of that a little pretentious and off-putting. Do you want to build up and audience for the work or just have people pretend to get it, to like it? Just saying. Give people a chance. Go ahead and educate your audience a little bit. You don't have to spell it out in full, but a couple of sentences about the work would be helpful both for the audience and for focusing the work in general (that kinda' goes for everything.) It's not unheard of, lots of artists do it. Even posing a question. Put a seed in my mind. I was living in my own universe for a while, so I'm probably out of touch with what issues people are concerned about. Makes me feel dumb to not understand it. Don't think I'm alone in this. And I think it would add to the enjoyment and the connection with your audience. Without context, it's just people moving in space, interesting, maybe even beautiful. With context, I then know what you wanted to communicate, that you did want to communicate something.
We come together speaking in different tongues. We want to connect. Make an inroad. Please.
But three out of four I mostly understood because of the narrative context. The fourth had some narrative, but it made it somehow more confusing....like I don't necessarily get what the women in their underclothes in the background had to do with the headlights attracting oppossums and killing or injuring them. Was it about objectification? Identity? I don't know. (Some really cool physicality in it though.) A friend is seeing it tomorrow, I'll ask her about it later. She explained something else to me that I didn't get last week and it made more sense. But, in spite of my minor irritation, had an enjoyable night. I love the diversity of creativity that goes into all the works, and all the time and energy and talent that is involved in putting something like this together, both from those on and off of the stage.
(Oh, and we are not five-year olds. We are not; and yet the words are there for me, but I can't say anything either, so much time...with each passing year fewer and fewer words. But to finally get it off of my chest I'll say it here: I'm sorry. It was a really bad year for me. I didn't have it in me. That may or may not make any sense, but the apology is sincere.)
Earlier in the evening had gone to another of the Northwest New Works festival showcases at On the Boards, the second studio weekend. I did like it more overall than the studio showcase last week, and I think it's because there was more narrative, though admittedly, haven't a clue what the last piece was about. Makes me wish they'd put a short blurb in the program about the pieces. Again, a bit of a pet peeve of mine, it's like you have to be in the know to get it, and I find the idea of that a little pretentious and off-putting. Do you want to build up and audience for the work or just have people pretend to get it, to like it? Just saying. Give people a chance. Go ahead and educate your audience a little bit. You don't have to spell it out in full, but a couple of sentences about the work would be helpful both for the audience and for focusing the work in general (that kinda' goes for everything.) It's not unheard of, lots of artists do it. Even posing a question. Put a seed in my mind. I was living in my own universe for a while, so I'm probably out of touch with what issues people are concerned about. Makes me feel dumb to not understand it. Don't think I'm alone in this. And I think it would add to the enjoyment and the connection with your audience. Without context, it's just people moving in space, interesting, maybe even beautiful. With context, I then know what you wanted to communicate, that you did want to communicate something.
We come together speaking in different tongues. We want to connect. Make an inroad. Please.
But three out of four I mostly understood because of the narrative context. The fourth had some narrative, but it made it somehow more confusing....like I don't necessarily get what the women in their underclothes in the background had to do with the headlights attracting oppossums and killing or injuring them. Was it about objectification? Identity? I don't know. (Some really cool physicality in it though.) A friend is seeing it tomorrow, I'll ask her about it later. She explained something else to me that I didn't get last week and it made more sense. But, in spite of my minor irritation, had an enjoyable night. I love the diversity of creativity that goes into all the works, and all the time and energy and talent that is involved in putting something like this together, both from those on and off of the stage.
(Oh, and we are not five-year olds. We are not; and yet the words are there for me, but I can't say anything either, so much time...with each passing year fewer and fewer words. But to finally get it off of my chest I'll say it here: I'm sorry. It was a really bad year for me. I didn't have it in me. That may or may not make any sense, but the apology is sincere.)
Friday, June 14, 2013
Screeching alarms replace the robin
Was about to get up when all the smoke detectors started to screech. Jumped up and started knocking on doors to get people up in the event there really was a fire. There wasn't any smoke, so maybe someone was burning a candle, we never did figure it out, but after checking everything, I was shaky, and felt heavy as if I'd just been woken from a deep sleep. Upside, I was on time for work.
And I keep thinking, now, now, now I will have the free time to really sit down with this script and work this stuff out, but then, no, have a rehearsal in the morning. Gonna have to do what I can in five minutes here and five minutes there. Maybe I'll get up early enough tomorrow. Feeling kinda' groggy now.
4) If a cruel genie appeared and said I could only eat one type of food for the rest of my life I would choose Mexican. 5) There are these bright, single-petal roses that are planted alongside the roads where I live, that is my favorite smell, followed closely (in no particular order) by horses, coffee, pine trees, and watermelon. 6) My favorite ways of wasting time lately are reading cookbooks and watching youtube videos. 7) And if that same cruel genie said I had to stay in one city for the rest of my life (but why?!) I'd choose the one I'm in: I'm committed. (Would just have to shake off the occasional aching for other ones.)
I actually get a lunch break today, but there's no one here to watch the door. Still I should go for a walk or something, it's far too silent, it's making me melancholy again. Was trying to stream a radio station but kept losing the connection. Not interested in any of the cd's I have here. Back to work for now, there's a birthday thing in a little while. Hopefully, with LOTS of noise. (There are plenty of people wandering around outside, it's just super quiet inside.)
And I keep thinking, now, now, now I will have the free time to really sit down with this script and work this stuff out, but then, no, have a rehearsal in the morning. Gonna have to do what I can in five minutes here and five minutes there. Maybe I'll get up early enough tomorrow. Feeling kinda' groggy now.
4) If a cruel genie appeared and said I could only eat one type of food for the rest of my life I would choose Mexican. 5) There are these bright, single-petal roses that are planted alongside the roads where I live, that is my favorite smell, followed closely (in no particular order) by horses, coffee, pine trees, and watermelon. 6) My favorite ways of wasting time lately are reading cookbooks and watching youtube videos. 7) And if that same cruel genie said I had to stay in one city for the rest of my life (but why?!) I'd choose the one I'm in: I'm committed. (Would just have to shake off the occasional aching for other ones.)
I actually get a lunch break today, but there's no one here to watch the door. Still I should go for a walk or something, it's far too silent, it's making me melancholy again. Was trying to stream a radio station but kept losing the connection. Not interested in any of the cd's I have here. Back to work for now, there's a birthday thing in a little while. Hopefully, with LOTS of noise. (There are plenty of people wandering around outside, it's just super quiet inside.)
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Feeling scratchy from the mold, but good rehearsal
Feeling a bit scratchy from the onions maybe. We had our best rehearsal last time thru tonight. Physically, I felt more anchored, we also interacted more physically than we have before, and that would make sense. Perhaps she only wants him to leave when he crosses a "line." So, then I'll need to figure out what that line is. Also, what makes me put up the walls between us, and what's the action? (This is so I can remember these things, find them again.) We only have next week for in-class rehearsals. I feel like they go better in class, with other people watching, but maybe that's because we actually did accomplish something by ourselves beforehand. I think I know what her "big" want is (in the grand scheme of life, only I don't know if I want it from him.) I'm getting clearer on it, but still need to slow it down. Gotta go, my computer is about to update itself, and the battery smells weird. And I should sleep. She said that my trouble wasn't because I was a bad actress...that's actually good to hear. (What is "blogsrating." is it some sorta' spam-spreading service?)
And I've been trying to drink non-homogenized milk because it's supposed to be better for you, and I've been able to find a non-raw version recently. Now I just need to find a way to easily skim off the butter before I drink it: the fatty chunks are not that appetizing in a beverage.
And I've been trying to drink non-homogenized milk because it's supposed to be better for you, and I've been able to find a non-raw version recently. Now I just need to find a way to easily skim off the butter before I drink it: the fatty chunks are not that appetizing in a beverage.
Moldy onions
Crap. I just stupidly breathed in (really, breathed in deeply) a bunch of onion mold (I didn't see the mold, I was trying to tell if that was the bad odor I'd been smelling.) Then heaved for about 15 minutes and was consequently late for work. I hope I don't get some weird lung infection from the mold spores. Just not thinking straight, still. (And yeah, that was the bad odor. Ugh.)
But on the bright side, one of my co-workers bought me a scone because it's "scone day." Yea! I didn't eat breakfast. I'm also hoping there are leftovers for the luncheon in the conference room. Since I was late, I can't really go anywhere and I'm hungry. (Normal state. 3) I really like food, just no pretending otherwise, no dainty-ness or ordering a green salad, unless I really want one.)
But on the bright side, one of my co-workers bought me a scone because it's "scone day." Yea! I didn't eat breakfast. I'm also hoping there are leftovers for the luncheon in the conference room. Since I was late, I can't really go anywhere and I'm hungry. (Normal state. 3) I really like food, just no pretending otherwise, no dainty-ness or ordering a green salad, unless I really want one.)
Now it's tomorrow
Well, shit. (1. I started cussing around age 10 because I thought I was too much of a goody goody.) It's much later than I had planned on getting home. Went to see a friend's band's gig tonight, they played at 9 pm, hung around 'til the second band started and really enjoyed them so stayed for the entire set. Then I was talking to someone else about music stores and instruments and happened to look at the clock and it was later than I thought so I said I had to leave. Walked out, saw the bus, ran for it and have just now gotten home. (2. Favorite venue to see live bands in Seattle is the Sunset Tavern in Ballard, 2nd favorite would probably be the Tractor Tavern, also in Ballard. Advantage of being on bus lines, and have seen a lot of great shows there.) Both bands (I saw) tonight were great, and I was really enjoying being there, and didn't see a good reason to leave earlier.
When I got off work, I went to look for a kimono for the scene. I ended up buying a large children's size because it was in a more vibrant color (and cheaper). The adult ones were pastels, and I don't think she wears pastels, and I look horrible in them. The one I bought is fuschia. It smells like incense. Then I went to look for something for Father's Day, and while thumbing through a cookbook, suddenly became super melancholy. Like a deep, aching homesickness. At the time I thought maybe it was for that country that has a bit of my soul still attached, the one I won't be going to any time soon, I don't have the money nor a compelling reason to go. And I thought what a tiny corner of aching that must be compared to what millions of people feel who will never be able to go home, for as many reasons. It lasted for a couple of hours. Of course, by the time I left the show, totally gone. That's the beauty of music. Peace.
When I got off work, I went to look for a kimono for the scene. I ended up buying a large children's size because it was in a more vibrant color (and cheaper). The adult ones were pastels, and I don't think she wears pastels, and I look horrible in them. The one I bought is fuschia. It smells like incense. Then I went to look for something for Father's Day, and while thumbing through a cookbook, suddenly became super melancholy. Like a deep, aching homesickness. At the time I thought maybe it was for that country that has a bit of my soul still attached, the one I won't be going to any time soon, I don't have the money nor a compelling reason to go. And I thought what a tiny corner of aching that must be compared to what millions of people feel who will never be able to go home, for as many reasons. It lasted for a couple of hours. Of course, by the time I left the show, totally gone. That's the beauty of music. Peace.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
The characters
Of course, "Johnny" is telling "Frankie" he wants to marry her and have a bunch of kids on the first date, which is waaaay too much, way too soon, that would definitely be a red flag if you had abuse or abandonment issues in your past. I was referring to further along in the relationship, not the very start when you're just getting to know someone, see if you like each other, if you are compatible. Then, after thinking about that, I fell asleep and dreamt about an environmental engineering firm tour. Nothing to do with any of that, accept an old friend of mine was in it, and I had heard a conversation about how the legislature is distributing funds to higher education, the whole STEM thing, 'cos again, god forbid, we value a well-rounded educational system. Yes, there are jobs there, but not everyone should be going into those fields, and there is definitely value in the arts and humanities and language and cultural studies. It's so short-sighted to only value education with a dollar sign attached to it. So much talent, and other expressions of intelligence, is pushed aside, devalued, and neglected in the process. While engineers do important work, societies do need other types of thinkers, creators, artists, workers, etc, to actually function.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Should you settle?
I don't know what made me think of this right now, but the one thing that strikes terror in my heart is "settling." More so, someone "settling" for me because "you're nice, and you like me." Yikes. I want to be deeply loved, not merely tolerated until someone better comes along, while you're checking your phone or looking over my shoulder. (Been there, by the way. Awful. Doesn't end well.) A friend of mine mentioned something about it recently. I don't want him to decide to like me just because...well, for any reason than at some point he can't imagine life without me. Otherwise, if not that, I'd rather stay single. Ugh. I want to feel the same way, maybe it's unrealistic. I know at some point it becomes a choice, a daily choice even. Giving the other person a chance. (I think my character might have this, too. Her last boyfriend left her for her best friend, so...there would be an issue there, she's testing him to see if he's sincere.) And being in the rehearsal space, I'm having a really hard time with this, with connecting, with figuring out an action to do. Most of the time I want him to leave, but sometimes I want to hear what he's saying (because I do like him), and other times I want to be right and win the argument of why we are not a couple, why there is no such thing as fate. Much work still needed. Have to perform them in two weeks. Yikes, again. (I freeze up, I need someone to shout out at intervals, "What do you want?" "What do you need right now?" That would help a lot.)
Monday, June 10, 2013
Evening
Tonight, when I was trying to write after rehearsal, I knew pretty strongly that no matter what else I end up doing, I want to coach or teach or direct. It's not a new thought, thought about it years ago, just pretty solid tonight. We rehearsed on a tennis court, throwing objects at each other to indicate intention: when we are sparring, when we are asking, when we are fishing vs. when we are connecting or talking more to ourselves. I think we still could've gotten more specific on intensity of intentions, but we were hogging up the tennis court and there were a bunch of kids that wanted to ride their bikes around. They thought we were strange, one asked what type of game we were playing. It was liberating to not be in the studio, plus we need to rehearse more, and studio time adds up (you have to pay for it.)
I want to act, too. I think it would be fun, and I want to prove to myself I can, but tonight the directing/teaching instinct was a lot stronger. I might feel different tomorrow. Oh, and I definitely want to teach adults, everyone wants to work with kids, but adults need second, third, fourth, chances as well.
I want to act, too. I think it would be fun, and I want to prove to myself I can, but tonight the directing/teaching instinct was a lot stronger. I might feel different tomorrow. Oh, and I definitely want to teach adults, everyone wants to work with kids, but adults need second, third, fourth, chances as well.
Spot
When I was leaving the house this morning, Spot was sitting on the gate. I went to upright a plant that had fallen over and heard a baby crow "feed me!" cry. I looked behind me and saw a baby up on the wire, and another on the roof. Spot and co had brought the family by for a visit. Apparently, the fledglings can already fly, so, hopefully, no dive-bombing from the parents (although, since they are bringing them over to visit, they are probably comfortable enough with us not to freak out.) There were five in all, not sure who the third adult was, maybe one of those helper juvenile crows. By the time I walked out to the street, they were all lined up on the wire above me, looking down.
The robin that sings outside my window in the morning hasn't been by for a few days, maybe it's also sitting on a nest somewhere.
Here's a song for today. It's not Saturday here, but it is summer(y). The band is Guadalcanal Diary, they were part of the Athens, Georgia scene that R.E.M. and The B-52's came out of. Song is Always Saturday. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpZtj1o9Z1I Love this song.
The robin that sings outside my window in the morning hasn't been by for a few days, maybe it's also sitting on a nest somewhere.
Here's a song for today. It's not Saturday here, but it is summer(y). The band is Guadalcanal Diary, they were part of the Athens, Georgia scene that R.E.M. and The B-52's came out of. Song is Always Saturday. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpZtj1o9Z1I Love this song.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Home again
relatively early, for once. Different showcase, also quite good, though my favorite performance was by Pony World, because I'm a sucker for narrative. Didn't stay for the installation work as it wasn't for another hour and in spite of the sun still being out (6:30 pm), it had gotten quite chilly. Really wish I'd studied dance earlier in life, I know I still could and yoga would help, too. I really love dance/movement performances. I will never know why I became invisible...or why there was a (very brief) time when I wasn't. Will spend remainder of evening watching The Wedding Crashers, slightly embarrassed at how much it makes me laugh.
Sunday afternoon
It's nice out and I feel lazy. I was gonna buy a book (I have a coupon) but I spent too much on groceries this week, so no more spending for me until the 25th. Maybe I could sell some books. I need to do that anyway. Here's a song by the Monkees. (Pleasant Valley Sunday)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUzs5dlLrm0
Gonna go do laundry. Here's an encore for good measure. (Last Train to Clarksville)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGLx4WenGwQ&NR=1&feature=endscreen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUzs5dlLrm0
Gonna go do laundry. Here's an encore for good measure. (Last Train to Clarksville)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGLx4WenGwQ&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Explanation
I guess I should mention that in addition to being an introvert, I'm also an empath. I didn't know what that was for most of my life, only that I was processing everyone else's shit that I picked up out in the world, in addition to my own. And I can get overwhelmed. I often need to get away from people, to be alone to process stuff, to get it out of my system. So violence and abuse and toxicity really affect me, stay with me. But so do acts of altruism and love and beauty, and so I wouldn't choose to be anything else, and when I have a really strong reaction to violence, that's a big part of it. I don't always deal with it well, I'm trying to learn how, and sometimes my own emotions and ego get mixed up in the process, confusing things further. And unlike what I've read about a lot of other empaths, I usually love being in crowds, especially for happy occasions. And when I'm clear-headed, I like being able to understand what's really going on, it certainly helps with forgiveness. I'm not always clear-headed:) And incidentally, I rarely consciously do this anymore with individuals, I want to take care of my own life and not take on anyone else's problems, especially if they don't want to do anything to change. (So, yeah, the obvious answer to this would be to not expose myself to the things that bother me, but that's not always practical, I'd rather learn how to be less affected by it.)
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Stay awake
Managed to stay awake for the show I went to tonight, must've gotten enough sleep last night. NWNW at On the Boards, Mainstage showcase. Overall, great showcase, choreography was beautiful. Mystiquesterium made me cry thru most of it (had to do with going from freedom to enslavement), but Josh Martin's piece entitled Leftovers is probably hands down one of the coolest things I've ever seen. I can't imagine having that much awareness of each muscle in your body. It was like watching someone in a strobe-light, minus the strobe, or watching a film frame-by-frame and slowed way down. Amazing. But, great physicality across the board. Wow. (See, I do actually like or even love, some performances. I just don't have it in me to condone the perpetuation of abuse, even if you do it in the name of/or call it art. Even if it's only to yourself. Although, I did appreciate that there was a narrative to that.)
Saturday, no singing robins
Really need to catch up on the rest of my life today, just not enough time for everything, even if I do say I value it all. Went to another play last night, got a ticket in exchange for watching the door and letting people in the building. It was a comedy, well done. A student production, great accents (multiple accents), great physicality and timing, and pretty fun in general. Unfortunately, I've been so exhausted lately that I fell asleep for parts of it (what else is new? been happening a lot lately) and so woke up thinking, "Wait, when did he get shot? Who is that woman, where did she come from and why are they hand-cuffed?" Still, well done, fast-paced, believable. The man next to me looked at me oddly at one point, I hope I didn't mumble anything or fall over on him. When I woke up this morning it occurred to me that part of my problem in my acting class is that we are not in rehearsal together enough, it really demands more time, and barring that (work schedules, finding rehearsal space, etc.) I need to know my own character inside and out when I get to rehearsal. Seems obvious, but I realized that in my rare longer speeches, I'm not seeing the scene I'm talking about, and I need to, and there are some other things I haven't gotten specific about. I'll have to think about them while doing other things because I'm meeting my scene partner in 5 hours and I need to go work on my garden and run a bunch of errands before that. The advantage of riding the bus is you don't have to think about driving, and so you can focus on other things. And pulling up weeds will hopefully clear my head.
I think I need to watch some old movies with witty dialogue and quick-paced verbal sparring. Katherine Hepburn comes to mind.
The play was The 39 Steps.
I think I need to watch some old movies with witty dialogue and quick-paced verbal sparring. Katherine Hepburn comes to mind.
The play was The 39 Steps.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Rearranged
Okay, maybe I worry too much, everyone (except my scene partner) went in the same direction as me, and I like what I came up with. Think I'll hang it on my wall, it'll help me relate to her. Came home to a bunch of cop cars in front of my house, so we parked nearby and my scene partner walked me home. Turned out to be an accident, didn't look like anyone was seriously hurt, though a power pole might have been damaged. I hope someone checks it, it would suck if it fell on the house. Went inside and my housemate had rearranged all the furniture. It looks a lot better. Maybe that attributed to my feeling of liberation yesterday, moving of stuck energy. Have one more commitment for the Finnish class this morning, we have to sing Finnish songs to the other Scan Studies students. It says there will be food.
Why Shakespeare is not a requirement is unfathomable to me: class was dropped for lack of interest. (Just ran into the instructor.)
I missed the robin singing outside my window this morning. There is one singing it's heart out now though. It's 1 pm. I also seem to have a bit of food poisoning, have that weird frontal headache that doesn't get better with painkillers. I hope it stays at this state, bearable. I'm supposed to work the door for a show tonight, and I have a long rehearsal tomorrow.
Think I'll see how long I can stay off of social media again. I'm mentally healthier when I don't look at it.
Why Shakespeare is not a requirement is unfathomable to me: class was dropped for lack of interest. (Just ran into the instructor.)
I missed the robin singing outside my window this morning. There is one singing it's heart out now though. It's 1 pm. I also seem to have a bit of food poisoning, have that weird frontal headache that doesn't get better with painkillers. I hope it stays at this state, bearable. I'm supposed to work the door for a show tonight, and I have a long rehearsal tomorrow.
Think I'll see how long I can stay off of social media again. I'm mentally healthier when I don't look at it.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The dreaded Thursday has arrived
Will breathe somewhat easier when the final is over, even if I fail. It is 25% of grade, video project was only 15%, and took up most of the quarter. C'est la vie. Am taking off a couple hours to work on other thing. I have to turn in something. I know what I want to say with it, just don't know how to present that.
"There are no right answers or wrong answers today. There are just mindful and less mindful answers. The more thought you put into you response to the world, the better the reaction will be." -Holiday Mathis (Capricorn, 6/6/13)
I do not know what I do not know.
One down, one to go. And my student assistant left me granola bars again:)
Oh wow, one of my favorite bands is reuniting for a show on the same night I have tickets to something else. Guess I can leave at intermission, there is a direct bus between the two venues, or maybe they'll play last, in which case I can go to both.
"There are no right answers or wrong answers today. There are just mindful and less mindful answers. The more thought you put into you response to the world, the better the reaction will be." -Holiday Mathis (Capricorn, 6/6/13)
I do not know what I do not know.
One down, one to go. And my student assistant left me granola bars again:)
Oh wow, one of my favorite bands is reuniting for a show on the same night I have tickets to something else. Guess I can leave at intermission, there is a direct bus between the two venues, or maybe they'll play last, in which case I can go to both.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Someone mentioned chocolate
Video presentations in a hour and then that's done. Someone mentioned there'd be chocolate. Final tomorrow. Rehearsal tonight. Need to work on action, definitely have all the lines down, have varying ideas of why I'm saying them. We have two hours to run it. Someone on the bus last night inspired me to write haiku again, but my mind's been pretty blank since I stepped off of the bus. Ride was weirder than usual. (I no longer have the crush, but he was the best thing in the movie.)
My other two classes are full now, so definitely running. Five more weeks until I face what scares me the most. (And if I make it through that, maybe everything else will seem easier to face by comparison.) I should take some time off in July, the last two weeks I'm in class 22 hours/week (split over 5 days.)
I should have waited to eat lunch, people keep offering me food.
Ugh. So far to go. Don't know how to proceed. And I still don't know what to do for the collage. I feel like the expectations are really high, and I don't want to be lame. I am often in this same spot.
My other two classes are full now, so definitely running. Five more weeks until I face what scares me the most. (And if I make it through that, maybe everything else will seem easier to face by comparison.) I should take some time off in July, the last two weeks I'm in class 22 hours/week (split over 5 days.)
I should have waited to eat lunch, people keep offering me food.
Ugh. So far to go. Don't know how to proceed. And I still don't know what to do for the collage. I feel like the expectations are really high, and I don't want to be lame. I am often in this same spot.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Picture
Feeling more centered today. Should do my homework before class. I'm now seeing a figure in the middle of the picture in my last post. Ancestral? Spirit? We had visited some ruins earlier in the day, across the road and up a hill. An older culture definitely lived there before. There was nothing ominous about that day (well, the peal of thunder), so I don't think it's a bad thing. It was a beautiful visit. My eyes are probably playing tricks on me. (Face, top, middle. Eyes looking directly at viewer.)
It's almost incomprehensible to me how I am not just passing this class, but pre-final, am carrying an "A." Or how I know some of the past tense of verbs...I did study those quite a bit for the mid-term, but we haven't used them since then. Not complaining, I just sometimes feel like an idiot in class.
Thank God! The phone call went well. Such a relief!
The weather is perfect right now, 75 degrees and sunny with a nice, solid breeze flowing thru. I took a short walk to return some equipment, and now I have the window open (I'm lucky enough to have a window.)
It's almost incomprehensible to me how I am not just passing this class, but pre-final, am carrying an "A." Or how I know some of the past tense of verbs...I did study those quite a bit for the mid-term, but we haven't used them since then. Not complaining, I just sometimes feel like an idiot in class.
Thank God! The phone call went well. Such a relief!
The weather is perfect right now, 75 degrees and sunny with a nice, solid breeze flowing thru. I took a short walk to return some equipment, and now I have the window open (I'm lucky enough to have a window.)
Monday, June 3, 2013
Too much stress
So stressed-out right now, feel like all of my energy is bound up in my head and my chest ready to shoot out of my mouth at any moment. Will be so glad when this week is over. Deep breathing, not helping. Pre-emptively apologizing to people in my vicinity, and trying very hard to control myself outwardly. Did get the voice-over written and recorded, and my classmate completely understood my stress, which is a relief: she wouldn't have taken it personally, like I don't take hers personally. That's a nice place to arrive at. (But I'm still high-strung right now. Maybe I should go sit against a big tree, or in a forest.) Have dealt with garbage, paying rent, kitchen was cleaned up, sink was repaired, old tv hauled away, lawn mowed...now the last painful phone call to get thru due to communication planets being misaligned for me last week. Need to face up to it and get it over with.
(Late evening, at a lake outside Helsinki, watching the sun's fire extinguish one more time, before leaving for home. July 2012.)
When I walk outside, the sun is warm, and a flock of swallows sweeps between the buildings, sensed only by their chirping, reverberating against the stone. Then. Silence.
 |
| Last night in Finland/L Herlevi 2012 |
(Late evening, at a lake outside Helsinki, watching the sun's fire extinguish one more time, before leaving for home. July 2012.)
When I walk outside, the sun is warm, and a flock of swallows sweeps between the buildings, sensed only by their chirping, reverberating against the stone. Then. Silence.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Lawn mowing now
Had a really nice reality check earlier today, reminding me that who I am has value. Reminding me to stop thinking I can become someone (or even should want to become someone) he would notice. A sanity check.
Still trying to break through a solid creative block for a project that's due later this week. Still need to study the Finnish for the final, probably homework, too. And write the voice-over, but that section is pretty short, under 3 minutes. Our video, after the editing we did today, is just over 9 minutes, and then the extra goofy minute which we may or may not use. Need to find a kimono, too (for the theatre class.) Now, I'm gonna go mow the lawn which is pleased with itself, healthy, and tall (visited my garden earlier as well, totally overgrown, not sure when I can do anything about that.)
I love this song, (not related to this post, I watched it yesterday when I was spending too much time on youtube. It reminds me of another friend.) Sade, By Your Side http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8QJmI_V3j4
Whatever it was that I cut with the lawnmower did not smell particularly nice. Usually, I like the scent of fresh-cut grass.
Still trying to break through a solid creative block for a project that's due later this week. Still need to study the Finnish for the final, probably homework, too. And write the voice-over, but that section is pretty short, under 3 minutes. Our video, after the editing we did today, is just over 9 minutes, and then the extra goofy minute which we may or may not use. Need to find a kimono, too (for the theatre class.) Now, I'm gonna go mow the lawn which is pleased with itself, healthy, and tall (visited my garden earlier as well, totally overgrown, not sure when I can do anything about that.)
I love this song, (not related to this post, I watched it yesterday when I was spending too much time on youtube. It reminds me of another friend.) Sade, By Your Side http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8QJmI_V3j4
Whatever it was that I cut with the lawnmower did not smell particularly nice. Usually, I like the scent of fresh-cut grass.
Sunday morning
Robin singing, at a distance now. I think the morning song is slightly different than the evening one. Maybe I should record it.
Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the editing software to work correctly, I could only get a 90 minute room reservation because everything is booked up today, all projects are probably due this week. It's the last week of the quarter. Still have to write, do, the voice-over.
I dreamt I had rented a room somewhere in Idaho, and if that didn't work out I was gonna go to Salt Lake City. Then as I was finishing packing up, I realized that I had neither given notice where I had been living, nor actually told anyone at the place in Idaho that I was moving in (though, there must have been some agreement: I had already moved stuff in.) I also hadn't actually told anyone, except perhaps my mother, I think she rode in the car with me, and I was trying to figure out how and when to do that. I was leaving that night, it appeared to be winter. An anxiety dream? I think it involved cheaper rent or something.
Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the editing software to work correctly, I could only get a 90 minute room reservation because everything is booked up today, all projects are probably due this week. It's the last week of the quarter. Still have to write, do, the voice-over.
I dreamt I had rented a room somewhere in Idaho, and if that didn't work out I was gonna go to Salt Lake City. Then as I was finishing packing up, I realized that I had neither given notice where I had been living, nor actually told anyone at the place in Idaho that I was moving in (though, there must have been some agreement: I had already moved stuff in.) I also hadn't actually told anyone, except perhaps my mother, I think she rode in the car with me, and I was trying to figure out how and when to do that. I was leaving that night, it appeared to be winter. An anxiety dream? I think it involved cheaper rent or something.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Recommended for me on you tube
I'm wasting time on youtube. For some reason this has been recommended for me:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzt0cXdUW3k 8 odd sounds from other languages...probably related to a voice class I took last fall.
And that last #9 sound he makes seems almost impossible for me to try to replicate, makes me hurt in places in my head I can't really put a finger on.
Okay, one final attempt to watch Prizzi's Honor. (Each time I try to watch it, I make it one more scene in before falling asleep, and then wake up when they try to kill each other at the end. Every time. Have no idea what happens in the middle.)
And that last #9 sound he makes seems almost impossible for me to try to replicate, makes me hurt in places in my head I can't really put a finger on.
Okay, one final attempt to watch Prizzi's Honor. (Each time I try to watch it, I make it one more scene in before falling asleep, and then wake up when they try to kill each other at the end. Every time. Have no idea what happens in the middle.)
Afternoon
Well, the editing software that we have on the computer doesn't seem to want to let us do fine enough cutting, so we might have to find some other software to edit on. The good part is that we got the super rough edit done, and it's in the order we want (but at 17 minutes, too long, and with another rough cut we can cut the time at least by half, some shots I only want a couple seconds of.) The other good part was the bad stuff was hilarious and I really needed to laugh. (We probably don't need to keep the last segment in, but it is oddly a very Finnish moment.) Then I went and used another one of the prescription massages, and came home and dealt with the garbage, getting a shard of glass in my hand in the process, it bled a lot, so hopefully won't get infected. My former housemate left a very long and convoluted message on my answering machine, at one point talking about skateboarding past my house last night. That actually made me laugh, too. I need to reserve space for the editing again. (And I didn't realize how much I talk like a valley girl until I watched the video or that my voice tone in Finnish is totally different than when I speak in English. Guess I write like a valley girl, too.)
The traffic slows, the light fades and the robin sings its evensong.
The traffic slows, the light fades and the robin sings its evensong.
In a funk, venting
Been in some lousy funk all week. Woke up, still there. I don't think it's depression, just all the stress and facing up to reality and then mixed with others peoples' stress everything has just sorta' built up badly. At home the kitchen is disgusting (dirty dishes piled up for over a week), the bathroom's disgusting (but I'm hoping the mess means the bathroom sink was repaired, I've been asking them to fix the leak for 2 years, there's mildew everywhere, so if it was, I can deal with the mess, though I'm afraid to touch anything) and someone dumped their garbage everywhere, so I'll have to go clean it up, and I don't want to. I should get out of here and go for a long walk. Have to edit later, too. (The house stuff is typical roommate issues, but still, I don't want to deal with it. I want them to be responsible adults.)
Yes, moving should be an option, and I look now and again for something I can afford, that is close enough to work, or on bus lines where I can go out and do stuff at night and still get home. Rents in this city are ridiculous. And I don't want to live in another city. I like this city, and since I'm a generalist, skill wise, my opportunities for a living wage job are higher in a city than somewhere else. I saw someone advertising studios for over $1,000 (or you can live in a parking spot size apartment for $600). They justify it by saying the apartments have "great amenities," but when your take home pay is less than $2000/month, not really affordable, especially not with first and last. I don't think you should have to spend half your salary for a decent roof over your head. And if you have to work two jobs to pay the rent (I don't currently, but lots of people do, and I have in the past), who has time for amenities? I think the idea is that you should only be spending 1/4 to 1/3 of your salary on rent. If you were working full-time, making somewhere over minimum wage, your take-home pay would only be around $1280/month. I know in some places, that's a lot of money, but the cost of living here is high, transportation, food (in recent years, we were one of the most expensive cities for groceries in the US), utilities, rent, are all high, and that's if you don't get sick, 'cos health-care costs are really high. (Even with health insurance, I'll probably still be paying off my doctor bills from this past winter into the fall. And the throat's not better.) And for societies to thrive you need all types of workers, not just tech workers. And all those lower wage workers need to live here, too. There are other good qualities that people have that benefit a neighborhood or a city besides wealth. It's just frustrating when shared-housing is torn down to build "luxury" apartments, where are all those displaced people supposed to go? Not a new problem. Seems to be accelerating again.
Here's the idea of balance again. Life should be about more than just trying to survive. I think we are here, alive, for more than that. And sometimes I feel like I'm wondering when I can breath again (financially). Though maybe I'm alone in stressing about money. (And yes, I could pay my bills off before I take classes, but classes keep my hope alive that things could get better. And learning, expanding my life makes me feel good about myself and about life in general. And I'm starting to doubt that I will ever get my bills paid off. And I was gonna go to grad school to get a better job, but the debt freaked me out.) I apologize for this post. Getting new bills in the mail really stresses me out. I'll figure something out and get over it.
Yes, moving should be an option, and I look now and again for something I can afford, that is close enough to work, or on bus lines where I can go out and do stuff at night and still get home. Rents in this city are ridiculous. And I don't want to live in another city. I like this city, and since I'm a generalist, skill wise, my opportunities for a living wage job are higher in a city than somewhere else. I saw someone advertising studios for over $1,000 (or you can live in a parking spot size apartment for $600). They justify it by saying the apartments have "great amenities," but when your take home pay is less than $2000/month, not really affordable, especially not with first and last. I don't think you should have to spend half your salary for a decent roof over your head. And if you have to work two jobs to pay the rent (I don't currently, but lots of people do, and I have in the past), who has time for amenities? I think the idea is that you should only be spending 1/4 to 1/3 of your salary on rent. If you were working full-time, making somewhere over minimum wage, your take-home pay would only be around $1280/month. I know in some places, that's a lot of money, but the cost of living here is high, transportation, food (in recent years, we were one of the most expensive cities for groceries in the US), utilities, rent, are all high, and that's if you don't get sick, 'cos health-care costs are really high. (Even with health insurance, I'll probably still be paying off my doctor bills from this past winter into the fall. And the throat's not better.) And for societies to thrive you need all types of workers, not just tech workers. And all those lower wage workers need to live here, too. There are other good qualities that people have that benefit a neighborhood or a city besides wealth. It's just frustrating when shared-housing is torn down to build "luxury" apartments, where are all those displaced people supposed to go? Not a new problem. Seems to be accelerating again.
Here's the idea of balance again. Life should be about more than just trying to survive. I think we are here, alive, for more than that. And sometimes I feel like I'm wondering when I can breath again (financially). Though maybe I'm alone in stressing about money. (And yes, I could pay my bills off before I take classes, but classes keep my hope alive that things could get better. And learning, expanding my life makes me feel good about myself and about life in general. And I'm starting to doubt that I will ever get my bills paid off. And I was gonna go to grad school to get a better job, but the debt freaked me out.) I apologize for this post. Getting new bills in the mail really stresses me out. I'll figure something out and get over it.
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